It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Ok, peeps, I am beginning to feel very lonely here.....

BM, I have called you and left messages...... I don't want to be pushy, but I hope I haven't offended you somehow or something!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I swear sometimes I don't know if I am doing great, or failing miserably!!

Things are going well with interactions with STBXH. He is coming over Saturday to do more work on the house. He is bringing over a bunch of supplies for the work too, which he gets free because it's "left over" from his work place. We are also going to talk about the finances...... I'm a little nervous about that one, but not much, because we have been working very well together on those things too.

Everybody tells me how great I am doing....how great I look.....and I still often think they are nuts because they don't see me crying in the car as I drive home after work. Even my C says I am doing remarkably well, and these mood swings are normal, but I hate it!!

I have been missing my H so very bad, and yet I know that I don't want the man he is now. And actually, I don't want the man he was either!! I want the man I know in my heart he can be!! What I mean is, he was always so "tight" and judgemental and emotionally distant, and I never felt I measured up, but I believe in my heart that he did love me, and I know he tried to be a good husband and father.

He was a great husband as far as the "practicalities" go. He was a "good provider" as my Granny used to say. He was handy around the house. Things were great in the bedroom. But, he always nitpicked and found fault with me, from the clothes I wore, to how I did my make-up, to how I spent my time. He didn't dictate to me really, but he just was always critical and I was never accepted. But, I know that is because he had no idea how to speak in the language of emotions. H was one of 8 children, but he only ever saw his father kiss his mother once......on the cheek......on their 25th anniversary!

My STBXH is a good man really, and I truly believe that we could be happy together....... if he could ever learn to open up and be vulnerable and if he could learn to accept short-comings in both himself and me! I see such potential in him and it just saddens me so much!! It makes no sense!!

I really one day want to be in a relationship where I feel loved and accepted and cherished and understood! I want that with STBXH!! But I know he probably never will be able to do that...... at least not with me (and our C thinks not with anybody).

I feel like I should happy because I don't want my old M, and I have hope for my future "love life"....... and yet it still hurts so very very much!!!

[peacetoday]

Silent

so good that you and STBX get along well--I miss that we also got along well until recently

letting go-


Its all part of the process what you are going thru
I too saw so much potential in my xh
it is an ILLUSION though
we imangine they can become what we want them to be
but they dont want that -they have other plans for their life
my xh was also emotionally distnt in the M
unsupportive for the most part
he is most likely always going to be that way
in some cases it probably can work
in mine I doubt it..too much damage and too much work
You sound strong-- well grounded and realistic
you will let go in time-- I think the process takes 2plus years for us LBS to consider moving on
first BF you have will pull you right out of it all ,and the focus will shift for the most part to BF
so hang in
it is not over
the best is yet to come
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, (((((Peace))))).

I don't think I've ever been accused of being "grounded and realistic" but I'm really trying!!

As I said in my reply over on your thread, in C today, we talked about why I still think about it and hurt so much, and C helped me understand that it's because I am mourning for loss of the future we had agreed upon and I had counted on. It was not a fantasy but very real.

C also said that it normally takes about 2 years to get through the grieving process, and he doesn't think I even started until just before Xmas last year when H told me he wasn't coming home like we had agreed when we seperated, and that he really wanted a D. So, I am still less than a year into this.

C explained that much of the feelings I have of still wanting to talk with H and such are just the normal stages of grieving (i.e. denial, negotiation, etc....)

I am and have always been a hopeless romantic, and I have wondered if I just have so much pent up love to give and no one to give it to (since my kids are out of the house too) so that makes it harder to let go, ya know? But, I really want to be careful about getting into another relationship, because I definitely don't want to get attached to someone because I don't want to be alone! That wouldn't be good for me or them.....

[peacetoday]

Silent
That makes sense what your C said about mourning for thre loss of the future
I also mourned for the loss of the family
that was the hardest for me to give up
the family unit could NEVER be the same again with xh
My parents stayed together my xh parents did not
so that was hard for me as I was raised to work it thru NO MATTER what!

smart also to not get in another R until you are ready-
In my case I mat my BF dancing right after D was Final..I was taking lessons with another friend and we would frequent this place weekly
the attraction was strong and dancing with BF made it worse
I resisted it for many months
and we were friends and I would not go out with him
then
I decided to try
so far it is working out
so you will know or sometimes it just happens and God knows?
follow your heart..you are smart to continue the grieving till the end
then it is over
not that I dont sometimes still think of XH
But I dont feel the same for him as I did even 8 months ago
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Dancing, huh, ((peace))? I am into dancing now myself and want to get into it more. That is something I always wanted to do and STBXH was never willing.

I actually went dancing tonight and had a really good time. The best I've had in a very very long time. I think I have made a new friend. Her boyfriend and her are in one of my classes, and I found out they live almost within "spittin distance" from me. Her BF is a Navy submariner the same as my STBXH. He had duty tonight, so couldn't go to the dance so she and I went and we had a great time!

So, Saturday STBXH is coming over to discuss finances......fun times! But S18 said that STBXH asked him to come over so they could watch the Notre Dame/Michigan game together (news to me). So, now I'm wondering if I should join them for the game (which would be a 180 for me) or just give them their guy time (which my S18 is in desperate need of quality time with his dad)....... I'm thinking I will leave them their space.

[dl443322]

Hey S, I have been really busy of late, so I am sorry I havent called you back.

Please dont put a timeline on when you will really let go. We do it when we do it.

You seem stuck on the idea that you want someone to love you for you. I get that feeling, but, you have to love you first. Now, I know you say you do, but I mean really and truly accept that you are a wonderful human being.

You will one day find what you are looking for. But I think you have to go through the whole process of grief.

So, just go with it. Live your life, try new things, fixup your house, change your wardrobe, plan a little trip. Embrace you.

Let your son and h have their time together. That is important.

Come on girl, you can do this. Time for SC to shine.

[peacetoday]

Silent
what kind of dance lessons do you do?
I do east coast and west coast swing, two step. cha cha and waltz so far
there is more i still want to learn
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((BM))))))!!

I was beginning to think that I had pi**ed you off somehow because I hadn't heard from you! I was wondering if I should be worried about any mafia contacts you may have from Brooklyn......

....Please dont put a timeline on when you will really let go. We do it when we do it.

Yes, I know...... I think maybe I should have gotten my "patience" tattoo on my forehead rather than on my shoulder blade.....that way I would be reminded every time I look in the mirror and it may have helped more!!!

........you have to love you first. Now, I know you say you do, but I mean really and truly accept that you are a wonderful human being.

Yes, this is one I really struggle with too. I'm a caregiver by nature, so it's hard to think of putting myself first. I try to look at it as caring for myself.....it helps if I think of it in those terms.

..... I think you have to go through the whole process of grief.

This is what my C said and we have been talking a LOT about grief in my sessions. He says I am getting there....... I'll have to take his word for it because I often don't feel like it....

.....Come on girl, you can do this. Time for SC to shine.

Yes I can and Yes it is!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Journaling....

I had a long talk with STBXH, mostly about finances, but also about other stuff. There were some tough moments (about money issues) but in the end we came to a good understanding and agreement, which I was sure we would, but it was just hard to wade through the muck of our different perspectives and realize that neither of us was trying to be an a**hole. But we were able to get through it.

He said he was going to stop over at my Mom's on his way home to say Hi. He stopped there last week when my sister was there and had dinner. He said he just figured there was no reason not to. I said there was no reason at all, and told him that no matter what, I would always consider him "family".

He then told me that last night, at a birthday party for one of GF's family, her XH was there! They have been D'd for 20 years. Her ex is (or was?) a minister when I asked what happened, STBXH said that he stepped out on her.....several times.....with parishoners!!! The STBXH looked at me and said "I guess it happens a lot". I just said "Yea, so I hear."

I then couldn't resist..... I asked him if he has told GF about his affair with secretary. He said "No and I don't plan to. We don't talk about previous relationships and I want to keep it that way." I had to chuckle at that one. I just told him that so long as he is happy, or some reasonable facsimile thereof, then that was good for me.

On a sad note, S18 never came over and had his phone turned off. Though STBXH hid it well, but I know it bothered him. On a good note, D24 came over with GD to do laundry. She was downstairs while STBXH and I talked, but through much of our talk, he held GD and she eventually fell asleep on him! That is the first time he has held his grand-daughter for more than 5 minutes since she was born!!! That was very cool!