Saffie, my friend. Thank you for your support. Yes those trips actually can dibilate me. As you know exactly what I mean.
Last night I just layed in bed and all I could think about is what he has put me through and continues to put me through. My life with him hasn't been all bad, but when it has been, its been really bad. From the porn, to the emotional abuse, lying, finding letters he wrote someone else, the start of a EA with someone else... Its coming all crashing down.
Yes he is worried about money, but we are ok at the moment. Two months ago we were a lot worse, but we are still ok, not great, but getting some bills paid. Yes I know it does take its toll, but this has always been a stress for us. I just im getting tired of this being his excuse for his treatment of me.
Yes I have your email still. Did you get the picture I sent you?
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Fightingquite irish, just catching up with you. And not caught up with all of you either as I didn`t get to read all your posts.
Just so sorry you`re feeling so stuck, stuck with H, your money worries, kid worries and your mother worries.
I know that place too well.
Best thing I did is get a therapist for ME! yeah, H is MLC crazy guy but I had to sort out my craziness too. And yup, family of origin stuff, why we chose the guys we chose and the effects of the Crazy Dance in MLC territory all come into it.
But mostly, I learnt to love me. Yeah!
And to stay calm.
You rock, girl. You`ve gotta pull your head out of you h`s space to do that.
Watch him try to bait you back to that place he`s familiar with...
Watch him pull your strings and laugh cos you won`t be at the end of them.
Stick your fingers in your ears and tell em Naw, you don`t want to hear crazy stuff.But listen if he calms down.
Play your cards close to your chest. Listen, don`t agree, just show you`re listening and then buzz off and have more fun.
Go learn to hug YOU and love YOU and you`ll be an even better Momma to your kids.
Pull your head out of your Mother`s space while your at it.
Have fun any which way you can.
Keep venting here.
It can save your M or at least lead you to a calmer place from which to separate if that`s what is needed.
Had a few really bad days. I wanted to write to you guys so badly but he's hanging around so much I never get to post anymore.
We did have a really good day at the Ren Fair, but then the next day it was horrible. He cannot ever give me a compliment, I swear (and Im not talking about looks or anything like that) Im talking about something that ive done well... He is constantly critizing me.. I can't take it.
He has no problem padding himself on the back mind you, not at all.. it drives me crazy. I don't know.
Today has been ok, but he's been in and out of the house.
I don't know if I told you all, but we split the business up. Without getting specific, one business he will run and I will run the other. I applied for minority businees status and am waiting for approval. This is actually I very good thing for me, because it will be my own.
Although H is still trying to tell me what to do, I told him to back off, and that I didn't need another father figure in my life, I have one of those.
im just fustrated and tired of dealing with the unknowns everyday, not knowing what his mood is going to be. Its like living with a loose cannon.
Anyways, I try to have a positive outlook, Im actually ok today, trying to get work done and finish setting up my office is one of the rooms in house.
Thanks everybody.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
WEre the businesses split up equally? Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I tend to think of things legally these days. I'm so sorry you are going through such tough days with your H.
didi, Yes, that is he owns his own 100% and I own mine 100%.
Each business does something different where as before everything was under the one business and he was the sole owner. Now I have something of my own which is good.
Journaling...
He is out for most of the morning today, had a meeting. S3 is in preschool, so I get 2 hours to myself. Which is well needed. Things are the same, I just wish there was something else I could do about it.
I had a really bad dream last night that he was cheating on me and apparently I must have been crying in my sleep, he woke me up and said I was crying. This morning he asked what the dream was about and I told him. I got no reply. he has no remorse for anything he has done to me in the past, and I guess he just doesn't get that it still does affect me in one way or another.
He really thinks the world revolves around him, and he's so damn selfish. For example. He was supposed to have this meeting today, and it was set like three days ago, that means having to take my care because its all the way in MASS and the gas bill for the truck would have been $200. So that left me with no car today and not being able to take S3 to school.
Im so tired of him not planning out anything to think for once how it may affect someone elses stuff. He could care less last night, I was running around trying to find someone to take S3 to school, all the while he lays on the couch watching tv, meanwhile its 8pm and still no luck. If I would have known this even a couple hours ahead of time I could have rented a car.
I finally got one of my good friends to actually lend me his car. He is a family friend. Of course once again, I can NEVER count on H to help out in this way. If I was stranded on the side of the road, he is the type that would do what he had to get done, THEN come and get me.
I can't change him, but im also loosing my tolerance of the crap anymore.
Its always someone else helping me out, never him. and if he does, he feels like he constantly needs to take credit for it... He went to the dr.s yesterday and well he wasn't happy with what he weight was... so when he came home, he tried blaming it on me!!! "i cook too much"... I couldn't freakin believe it. I said then don't eat, knowone forces you to take second helpings. You have to want to lose the weight, I can't do if for you buddy.
UGGGGG... He is so fustrating.
Well enough of that.. Have to go and listen to the quiet for a change.
be well.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Yes, we are all pre-disposed to be selfish and self-centered, to one degree or another, from birth. But as we mature as human beings we are supposed to learn how to compromise our own interests where necessary and realize how much more we actually gain by putting our personal interests second to those of family, friends and neighbors. Your H sounds like a wounded animal who blindly strikes out at anyone around them in his pain. I've said it before, he needs to wake up.
NC ~ Yes you are right.. but what doesn't make sense is that he would help out a stranger before he'd EVER help me. There was a woman driving with a hole in her tire the other day while we were together, He jumped at the opportunity to help her out... It just doesn't make sense.
He has been home ALOT this summer, but has not dived in to help me at all with house stuff and or kids stuff for that matter, only to play with them. Which im not saying is bad, but you would think that since he has been home so much he would lend a hand, seeing how is my work load hasn't changed.
Nope.
Just doing little things like picking up after the kids a little bit, or cooking dinner one night or giving them baths out of the blue would mean LOADS to me, it would show me that he does care about the things I do, but he just doesn't do that. Why is it so hard to explain. I have told him a little goes a long way, but he couldn't be bothered.
If something were to happen to me tomorrow would just mean it would be a total inconvience to him, hell who would pick up after everybody... that is the way I feel and have felt for a long time, and its just getting worse.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
The fact that he would go out of his way to help someone else just means he's not totally lost. I hear what you're saying but the fact he still has the capacity to help others shows that he at least has a good heart somewhere in his chest cavity.
As for why he will allow himself to do good things for others and not for you or your family, I can only guess that perhaps there are no strings attached with the former? Or maybe he feels the stranger would be more likely to show appreciation that he thinks he doesn't get? Yes, it is very maddening, but obviously he hasn't quite figured out his own mind yet or put things into proper perspective. I think there are a lot of anger and self-protective rationalizations behind his ignoring your pleas. He's probably at a point where he's thinking, right or wrongly, that his own family doesn't appreciate him, so he'll be more likely to put his energies in helping strangers. He's locked into me, me, me and he can't see the alternative because he thinks you and everyone else is out for themselves. Maybe?
Again, I really don't know. That's why I really think therapy is in dire need for him.
