I lived that for 10 months. Then it was a little calmer and so I haven't had a bunch of those days but I guess I'll just see where the week goes before I start dreading the weekend.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
wow what a question and I was just thinking about that last night. Anywhere between three and a half to four years give or take. I haven't quite pinpointed what I believe was the beginning, but more of a time span when I think the denial sort of crept in. Full replay began in fall 06, got hot and heavy until 8/07, let up for a while then picked back up 3/08, slowed again this spring. Depression on and off his whole life but it crept into the MLC slowly from 9/08 (evident depression). Sort of was lifting for a bit, but then back to full replay in June, now much depression. Worse than I've ever seen it. He looks right through us sometimes. Other times, he sees but the sadness is there, and sometimes gone completly. And he can cycle through this in a matter of hours. Monday was ok most of the day, yesterday was good until around 11pm, then this am we have the anger again. Now silence. Who knows what tonight will bring. And I must say anger was in full force throughout the hard replay times. That was when I was the devil walking for months on end. Wierd things happening again though. I'll tell you on the alt when we find each other.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Interesting, Cat. Hindsight tells me H was in MLC mode pre affair. That was April 07 so you`re at least a year ahead of me. Not that it matters; this thing varied so much from one sitch to the nextt
Haven`t had time to investigate the alt fully, though I believe I have a presence there in our group.Don`t want to risk H finding me there and can`t log on at work but am looking forward to meeting up there.
H came back early from his golf trip yesterday. Didn`t engage with the kids at all-well, at the most said two words to the younger two. Just went up to my room to watch TV and then ring an old buddy of his from long ago(yup, back to his single days)I think he was trying to tell me he has friends too and he ccan spend an hour on the phone. I feel like telling him, hey for you that`s an annual event and anyway, your friend does most of talking.
But of course I didn`t.
At least he`s not angry and not being deliberatelely silent either. Today that is.
i can see in your story Cat-the ongoing depression, moods, anger and silence,-so much of our own story.
DBing has helped me react so much more calmly. Finally I am ok and am not-usually-reactive to his moods.
I`m trying not to cover my feelings from me though. I love to put on a brave face to the world but when I meditate now I let myself dip into the well of sadness before sinking into the well of calm.Keeping in touch with my heart is really helping me love better at this time.
How do you help yourself through this angry phase?
DBing, ironically, seems to have made H angrier. Have you found that? As if he really wants me to suffer too cos of course I`m to blame for how he`s feeling.
One of the biggest things in the DBing department for me was to stop hiding my emotions. H had a whole bunch of anger with that. Of course, he wanted me to be how ever he imagined I should be feeling and when I wasn't that made him angry. He also wanted to believe this did not affect me at all. So that made him angry. Now I just say, you can be pissed if you want, not my problem, I have feelings too and I'm sorry if you don't like it.
He did not want to believe that this affected anyone but him. But he is beginning to not be so aggravated when he has to face that. Although I do believe he feels guilt, which I also will not own. If you feel guilty, then you feel guilty. You are the one doing what you feel you must so....
You know, I may very well drive him right out of my life because I wont' accept responsibility for his feelings anymore and I don't hide that. I also do expect him to pull his share around here if he is going to be here, and I have clear expectations of what our S needs from his father. I DO NOT tell H how to act or what I expect, but I do not hide from him the fallout of his behaviors/words either anymore. For a long long time I did because I didnt' want him to get scared and run off. But now, if the moment feels right, I tell him what I need to tell him. It is in small bits for the most part. But I have seen that he does think about it and then things change a little.
But I look at it this way, if I had a friend who was doing something that I knew was causing someone else pain, I would probably mention it. I just don't harp on things. I say them, and let it drop.
Of course I do the meditation and that has helped. I also vent on here when I have to. Just so much going on right now, here, with work (opening a second business), with S that I have to be careful not to get too overwhelmed and was not so successful yesterday. LOL. Back on solid ground this am though.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well, maybe I`m too successful at hiding mine! H is jealous that I`m doing so well. He doesn`t see that I`m missing what we had so much and now, I`m faced with losing it, I am so worried for the kids and to a smaller extent, myself.
You know, my H also sees me happy. He doesn't say much, just seems to enjoy himself more when I am.
I understand what you mean about H finding you in the alt. It is sort of wierd. I never hid anything and now I feel like just to live I have to hide stuff. Only because you just don't know what might bite you in the butt so to speak.
I too worry, mostly about S anymore, but we all can survive and thrive.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
There`s a difference Cat between your H and mine: mine positively fumes when I am happy.
He was home for an hour this pm. I`d just finished up bbq with the kids and he turned off the music I had on. Did it twice so of course I didn`t get locked into a turn of the stereo war-just left it.
He also turned off the water I`d been heating for a shower.
Silly little things.
And he should be happy because he`s getting the separation he wants so much.
