It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

I swear sometimes I don't know if I am doing great, or failing miserably!!

Things are going well with interactions with STBXH. He is coming over Saturday to do more work on the house. He is bringing over a bunch of supplies for the work too, which he gets free because it's "left over" from his work place. We are also going to talk about the finances...... I'm a little nervous about that one, but not much, because we have been working very well together on those things too.

Everybody tells me how great I am doing....how great I look.....and I still often think they are nuts because they don't see me crying in the car as I drive home after work. Even my C says I am doing remarkably well, and these mood swings are normal, but I hate it!!

I have been missing my H so very bad, and yet I know that I don't want the man he is now. And actually, I don't want the man he was either!! I want the man I know in my heart he can be!! What I mean is, he was always so "tight" and judgemental and emotionally distant, and I never felt I measured up, but I believe in my heart that he did love me, and I know he tried to be a good husband and father.

He was a great husband as far as the "practicalities" go. He was a "good provider" as my Granny used to say. He was handy around the house. Things were great in the bedroom. But, he always nitpicked and found fault with me, from the clothes I wore, to how I did my make-up, to how I spent my time. He didn't dictate to me really, but he just was always critical and I was never accepted. But, I know that is because he had no idea how to speak in the language of emotions. H was one of 8 children, but he only ever saw his father kiss his mother once......on the cheek......on their 25th anniversary!

My STBXH is a good man really, and I truly believe that we could be happy together....... if he could ever learn to open up and be vulnerable and if he could learn to accept short-comings in both himself and me! I see such potential in him and it just saddens me so much!! It makes no sense!!

I really one day want to be in a relationship where I feel loved and accepted and cherished and understood! I want that with STBXH!! But I know he probably never will be able to do that...... at least not with me (and our C thinks not with anybody).

I feel like I should happy because I don't want my old M, and I have hope for my future "love life"....... and yet it still hurts so very very much!!!