You see.. something is changing. One day a thought popped in.. "I think I'm near the end of my mourning."
It's not like I consciously knew I was in mourning. My perspective on things gradually changed. Living in this house has gone from being the home for our family, to a place with a big chunk of energy missing, to did he even live here?, to seeing the cobwebs of what was lingering.
I'm looking forward to selling the house, having my own place, what works for me. I'm not fearful like I was. I've tossed so much stuff that I have stacks of empty plastic bins. A good friend once chided me... "What, do you buy bins to put things in so you feel like you're organized?" Ooops!
A sense of disbelief still lingers.. that did he really disappear into a new life, wife.. etc? This guy I knew for half my life?
And slowly the reality sets in.. when it was good, it was very very good. I was shocked remembering how we worked together when his brother was so ill a decade ago.
I guess, getting away from the nitpicking allows a healing perspective to come in.
It broke. It just broke. And it would run but it was never fixed.
After he left, I realized still had all the same emotional issues I had the day we got married. Holy cow.. was that a bummer! You mean, my husband leaves me AND I have the same crap that's been lying around for a few decades????
And miracles happen. The gift of forgiveness, of the flow of love to my father.. having a relationship with him, being able to be there, to WANT to be there.. to love, pure and simple. In losing a husband I gained a father.
I still walk around feeling like I don't do things right.. I'm my own worst enemy. But I get up and try, and do. Folks are constantly commenting on how much I've changed in the past year or so. I know I'm calmer, less on edge, able to do more.
AAhhhh, to listen to her is a gift upon itself. How much fun to fly and leap into the water. I felt as if I were with you! You should write and write and write and fill those pages with your hearts desire. I have missed your calming voice.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Gosh y'all.. you make me feel so special. *hugs and smiles*
My brother told me in the midst of the emotional chaos that I had a good 'bullshit meter' and should use it. I started doing that and at the same time listening to the quiet 'inner voice'. So many times sign posts, markers, hints about what to do emerge.
For years my daughter begged to see the American Idol tour. The only tickets I could ever find were astronomically priced and I personally thought it was a little weird. I don't check my email as often and saw a two day old email from a friend offering tickets to the show. When I contacted her the tickets were gone but I saw the original price and decided to call the box office since the show was that night (yesterday). Lo and behold, tickets were available. I texted my daughter to see if she was interested and free to go. With her reply YES!!! I purchased the tickets without really checking to see where they were. Just do it... listen to what's in her heart and do it.
The good news was, we had fantastic seats. The oops news was that she'd forgotten that she and her dad were supposed to have dinner that night. She hasn't seen him since July. I told her that he could buy the tickets and take her. In the end he made her feel guilty that she'd forgotten, she felt so bad. Then she said, "You know, Mom, I think he forgot he was supposed to be here." Ugh.. that brought back memories of feeling like a worm pierced on a hook twirling in agony. Where he was in the wrong, too, but opted to place the guilt solely on me. I shared that getting together with her Dad was a two way street and that perhaps having a schedule would make it easier for both of them to remember.
Anyway... we were just a few rows up on the side of the stage. We were close enough that the featured guitarist was checking out my baby and could make eye contact with the performers. We both had glow sticks whose movements danced in the air. It was great!
At intermission, I switched seats with a friend of hers so they could both relish moment. Her seats were farther away, which offered a different perspective. Unfortunately the screamers were right behind us. It was the type of shrill shrieking that sent pain into my brain, slowly awakening the type of agony I had after the head injury. I knew once Adam came on they'd be insane so I left, preferring the corridors to the show.
I tried standing in the stairway where my daughter was but was told I had to move. After telling the usher my situation, he gave me a seat even closer but near enough that my daughter saw me. Goodness, what a show Adam put on. What smiles were on my daughter and her friend. At some point I noticed her friend had left and my daughter motioned me to come back up. Although I sat in three different places, my favorite was with her. I shared that with her after the show... because it was her energy that made everything so good.
I've come to realize that ex-spouses are people, too. Not demonic nor necessarily hateful.. just folks who have chosen a path that no longer includes their original partners.
We all enter relationships with our strengths and flaws, either grow, stabilize or regress with continuity of the union, for better or worse.
What may seem like the worse, losing a spouse, separating a family, can at times become a gain for the individual.. though rarely for the children. Theirs is a loss of security, belief.
In many ways I'm in much better shape than while married. The decline was slow and steady. He was the best thing that ever happened to me when we met, we shared in the birth and growth of our children. There were many good years.
It's sad that it broke. We broke. I felt that if we worked on the issues, we could remain whole. He felt differently. We each gave up in our way.
Yes, he left in a really rotten way. And he's the person he is, always has been.. brilliant in business, uncomfortable with emotional conflict. He can be intimidating, bullying and manipulative. Or compassionate and caring. But oddly enough, never unfair when it comes to a spreadsheet. And I'm wonderful with the soul, the intangibles in life and incredibly insecure over change and conflict.
So.. a 'me' emerges from the lala land of having hidden away. I'm still at a loss about 'what to do'.. taking that leap to write.
Just do it, Kathleen. Risk and change are good things.
As someone recently told me, write at least a sentence every night. Do not criticize it. It is what it is. Perhaps it is the part of an adventure, the beginning of the tale or it's sweet ending. Right now that doesn't matter, just do it.
You write lovely here, I feel it is one of your many gifts. Please dare to share it.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
