You see.. something is changing. One day a thought popped in.. "I think I'm near the end of my mourning."
It's not like I consciously knew I was in mourning. My perspective on things gradually changed. Living in this house has gone from being the home for our family, to a place with a big chunk of energy missing, to did he even live here?, to seeing the cobwebs of what was lingering.
I'm looking forward to selling the house, having my own place, what works for me. I'm not fearful like I was. I've tossed so much stuff that I have stacks of empty plastic bins. A good friend once chided me... "What, do you buy bins to put things in so you feel like you're organized?" Ooops!
A sense of disbelief still lingers.. that did he really disappear into a new life, wife.. etc? This guy I knew for half my life?
And slowly the reality sets in.. when it was good, it was very very good. I was shocked remembering how we worked together when his brother was so ill a decade ago.
I guess, getting away from the nitpicking allows a healing perspective to come in.
It broke. It just broke. And it would run but it was never fixed.
After he left, I realized still had all the same emotional issues I had the day we got married. Holy cow.. was that a bummer! You mean, my husband leaves me AND I have the same crap that's been lying around for a few decades????
And miracles happen. The gift of forgiveness, of the flow of love to my father.. having a relationship with him, being able to be there, to WANT to be there.. to love, pure and simple. In losing a husband I gained a father.
I still walk around feeling like I don't do things right.. I'm my own worst enemy. But I get up and try, and do. Folks are constantly commenting on how much I've changed in the past year or so. I know I'm calmer, less on edge, able to do more.
