Separated and Stuck?

[eternaloptimist]

Still GALing, doing some 180s that seem to be working... Seeing some small changes right now but they could all reverse tomorrow b/c of his personality disorder.

I want to keep journaling here because it helps me to document what is going on, particularly if I should need to demonstrate for a custody situation how very little he is involved in our son's day-to-day life.

I haven't been calling him or emailing him except if it was urgent about our son. I've been very consistent with that and with my moods and interactions with him. We've had very little contact but I never let him (despite his efforts) draw me into any conflict. If he starts to rage, I calmly tell him that I do not like the way he is talking to me and either walk away or politely end the phone call. He always calls me back right away and once apologized for losing his temper.

Recently, I decided to stop answering his calls right away. I also decided not to talk to him when he calls for our son at night. This has frustrated him I think too. When he calls my office, I let my voicemail pick up; I'm honestly so busy with work that I can't get back to him right away. Since he doesn't have anyone else to rage at anymore, I think my making myself unavailable to him is driving him crazy. He called my office 6 times today! I was in my office and did not answer the phone. Instead, I let my voicemail pick up. Then he tried calling me on my cell phone. He called me again in my office and I finally answered. He sounded frustrated and confused that I had not returned his call, even though we agreed to discuss most of the logistical stuff over email. I explained how busy work has been. Then we talked about logistics for our son's upcoming visit. He "dragged out" the conversation and has been doing that for a few days now. But I always make a point to end the call first. This is working for me because the less contact we have right now, the better it is for me to detach and regain focus on my life.

Our son is doing ok. He's showing a lot of anger, hitting me from time to time (which I immediately address) and he continues to have some distress during the day, missing his Dad the most in the mornings and at night. Those are the hardest times of day for him. I have so much compassion for my little man; it breaks my heart into a million little pieces to see him like this and miss his Daddy so much. I validate how he feels and even say that I miss Daddy too. This always calms him down and then I redirect him to something else. I am trying not to let it make me angry at my husband, but some days it takes all that I have to not scream at the Heavens about why this is all happening. Of course, my husband gets defensive whenever I tell him that our son is acting out. Our son doesn't display this anger with him, so I must be doing something wrong, right? Ugh. Of course he blame-shifts and tries to make me feel badly that our son is acting out. Now he blames bad behavior on the fact that my Mom and I buy him new toys. I admit to spoiling our son. But, again, ugh. I can see it for what it is now...emotional manipulation and projection. I'm sure that my husband feels guilty on some level.

Tomorrow, our son has a visit with a play therapist. She has been helping him for a few weeks now. And no surprise that my husband thinks the therapy is a waste of time and money. Fortunately, the therapist is very good and will see right through his tactics to question the validity/utility of the play therapy.