Journaling: Tuesday Evening: Arrive home from work in a strange calm. My W plans to tell the girls that we are seperating that night. I greet D6 and MIL as I walk in, D3 & W are upstairs. I walk up and greet them as well, D6 follows me up. The 4 of us play on the bed in what is now my bedroom. From the looks of it, we are as happy as a family can be.
A few hours later, W comes to me and asks if we can talk. We go over what is going to be said. I tell her that I will say as little as possible, but not be combative. She is OK with that. I then ask her to enumerate the reasons that she is leaving, it is somewhat confusing to me. I think it is confusing to her as well. She admits that EA has something to do with it, but it is not the only reason. She says she has a need to break free and be independent, to prove it to herself. She says that our relationship is not the same as it was. M: "When we kissed this morning. You said you loved me. How long did that feeling last?" W: "Through the afternoon." M: "Is that when you called OM?" W: "No. He called me. He asked if he could stop by and see me. I told him I couldn't, I had a lot of work to do. Later, he stopped by with salads anyway. We ate in silence, I was not good company. He asked what I was thinking. I told him I was thinking about you and the girls. He told me he understood, fixed something on my computer and left."
During the conversation, she promises that she will not date. She says that if she decides to date, she will seek a divorce first.
W took MIL to her new place while I got the girls ready for bed. She was going to tell them when she got back. We read a few stories. When D6 said she was tired and ready to go to bed. W began. W: "D6 come here, I have something to tell you." D6: "Yes." W: "You know how your friends X and Ys' parents live in different houses." D6: "Yes." W: "Well mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses. I am going to take you tomorrow to mommy's new house." D6: "You mean I am going to have 2 rooms? Like friend X." W: "Yes." D6: "Yeah!" - D3 starts cheering with D6
Shock comes across both our faces. D6 starts talking about what stuff she is going to take to the new place. I am in complete disbelief on how this turned out.
D6: "Daddy, are you mad?" M: "No. I'm not mad. Let's say our prayers" ...
W takes D3 to bed while I finish with D6. After putting D6 to bed, I go to lie down and process things. I am upset at myself for being initially dissappointed that the girls were not upset about the seperation. I think I should be happy that the girls took it so well; am I a bad person for being dissappointed? Even D6 saw it on my face.
W walks in the room. I motion to welcome her next to me on the bed. She lies down next to me. W: "What are you thinking." M: "I am processing why I was initially dissappointed in D6's reaction. Am I selfish for thinking that way?" W: "No. A selfish person would have told her not to be excited that she should be upset. You did not do that. I was shocked by her reaction. But they are just kids, they don't understand." ... M: "I have been struggling with where to put my boundaries. I argued a little with Bill (IC) today. I told him that I feel I am pushing you right into OM arms by being so distant. He told me that maybe I am. But since I am his primary client, he needs to tell me how to protect myself. And to do that, I need those strict boundaries." W: "I have not liked the person you've become the past couple of weeks." ...
I sit up, turn to face her, straddling her waist with my arm and look into her eyes. W: "Would you like me to go. I don't want to confuse those boundaries." M: "I'm fine. Go if you like."
We sit in silence for several seconds, staring into each others eyes. I kiss her, she returns the kiss. I will spare the details, but this continues into the early morning. It was one of those nights to remember. If it was the last night of us being together, it was a wonderful one.
