If your parents are anything like mine, dealing with your father man-to-man and letting him explain the new status to your mother is the way to go. That's exactly what would happen in my family too.
I told Mrs. Thinker about the conversation with my parents.
She opened up and let me have it - angry!
Not about the conversation. That seemed to satisfy her.
She opened up and got angry about "13 years of being treated badly" by my family.
She also told me that she saw me as standing by and doing nothing to defend her, and that it had made her angry, and that eventually she had grouped me in with them and became disgusted with the whole lot.
I agree with SmileysPerson:
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I think my sense of its incredibilitude has to do with the fact that W told you.
Why?
Because you don't tell people about your secret hurts unless you trust them.
And trust is a positive emotional-affective response to another; which is an opening; which could lead to more trust and more positive emotional-affective responses; and the next thing you know it's like a shampoo commercial...and so on and so on.
This stuff hurts to hear, but it makes me happy that she is saying it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
She said: "You have never put me first! You always prioritized your family over me!" Well, I know that that is not true - I can think of numerous times when I ignored, cut off, angered, or otherwise pushed my family aside in order to be able to do what my W wanted to do, but I don't think she saw that. What she did see is her struggle to be accepted and the criticism that she was getting and the fact that when she came to me I would normally brush it off.
She didn't want me to ignore my family, she wanted me to visibly stand up for her against my family - and I wasn't doing that.
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Although I knew it would be uncomfortable, when we scheduled our Retrouvaille weekend I asked my parents to come here and care for the kids. No other choice - they are the only ones I felt comfortable asking.
Last night, Mrs. Thinker told me she had asked her sister to come and watch the kids instead. She said "The last thing I want is to have your parents here and see them right before we leave to go on the weekend, and then see them first thing when we get back."
Knowing the depths of the issue between her and my parents, I readily agreed. It will be more comfortable for all of us. I'll have to have another uncomfortable discussion with my parents in which I now "un-invite" them, but it's the right thing to do.
It tells me that she is still readily going to the weekend, AND is taking steps to make it a better experience. If she wasn't readily going, she would have just said "We can't go because I am not comfortable having your parents come here" and used that as the reason to cancel.
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8 days to Retrouvaille
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
She said: "You have never put me first! You always prioritized your family over me!"
You can make this easy or hard. Your choice...
The easiest way (and most successful)
"I know. You are right honey. I did do those things and can see exactly why you feel the way you do. I was wrong."
THAT'S IT... Then be quiet... Agree, with her view, be sincere in your agreement and then be quiet.... JUMP on her side of the issues... the interesting thing is that once you do, then she will back off and start to say things like..."well I didn't really mean "never" and she will be more likely to start to defend YOU.....
This WORKS.. You are making something simple into something deep..... Just agree with her view of what you did, apologize, be sincere, then drop it.....
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Knowing the depths of the issue between her and my parents, I readily agreed. It will be more comfortable for all of us. I'll have to have another uncomfortable discussion with my parents in which I now "un-invite" them, but it's the right thing to do.
THAT is how to do it. See? That isn't so difficult. You agreed with her and it prevented division. No biggie. I notice you say you "readily" agreed. PERFECT.
Be a happy man. Be confident. Learn to agree happily. It saves needless arguments.
Our Retro weekend starts tomorrow. Originally my folks were scheduled to watch our kids. Recently W has shut down contact with them as I posted earlier. She wanted to change the plans and have one of her sisters take the boys one night. I agreed and had the conversation with my mom about what W said. At first she was upset, partly because she had made plans for the whole weekend for them, but also because of W's actions. I explained to her that right now it would be better to agree to this because in her mind she feels alienated by them. Mom eventually understood. Turned out that niether of W's sisters could take the boys, so my parents will have them anyway.
Nervous but happy about starting Retro tomorrow.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Knowing the depths of the issue between her and my parents, I readily agreed. It will be more comfortable for all of us. I'll have to have another uncomfortable discussion with my parents in which I now "un-invite" them, but it's the right thing to do.
The discussion with your parents might be a bit uncomfortable. But, just explain the situation and how you feel that this is what you have to do right now. While they may be hurt initially, if they really love you (and they do - you're a parent so you know), they will understand and get over this. I suspect that despite being hurt/angry at first, your father will see this as you being a man. End result is, he will be very proud of you - I know I would be if my S ever had to have that discussion with me.
She said: "You have never put me first! You always prioritized your family over me!"
"I know. You are right honey. I did do those things and can see exactly why you feel the way you do. I was wrong."
With the exception of a word here or there, that's exactly how I replied last night. And you are right, it worked. The conversation was easy and ended well.
Thanks
Last edited by Thinker; 09/10/0902:02 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
