Wow, Thinker. Way to go. In particular, the text you put in blue? That could be describing me, my H and his mother. I get along just great with his father, but his mother thinks I am devil-spawn.
Thanks Dia
In my case it is both of my parents - each with their own complaints - feeding off of each other.
It has gotten to the point where my w is not comfortable visiting them, and from my Parents point of view it is worse.
The most recent "insult"
When I was at my parents house last weekend (with kids, but without Mrs. Thinker), S6 told my parents that their house was messy (it was - truth out of the mouth of babes). He later told my W the same thing over the phone. My parents overheard his side of the phone call.
They said nothing, but were supremely insulted.
Between them, they agreed that it must be because my W is prompting them in order to "turn the kids against them".
What!! Paranoid Much!!!
Again, I heard nothing from them. Not a word. Not a sign. Nothing but pleasant smiles.
But when I asked I heard from my sibling that my parents had already complained bitterly to them about it.
This has GOT to stop!!
Last edited by Thinker; 09/09/0903:47 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Concur absolutely that it is an incredibly important development, but I think my POV of why it is differs rather radically from yours.
For you, it was incredible (or so it "reads" from the follow-on posts) because it opened a window into what W has been going through.
Agree.
I think my sense of its incredibilitude has to do with the fact that W told you.
Why?
Because you don't tell people about your secret hurts unless you trust them.
And trust is a positive emotional-affective response to another; which is an opening; which could lead to more trust and more positive emotional-affective responses; and the next thing you know it's like a shampoo commercial...and so on and so on.
This is one area I think I did pretty well in. LOOONG story about my mother and my W. Let's just say, I don't talk to my mother any more (and haven't in about 9 or so years) after she "borrowed" something from my W without asking.
Let's just say, I don't talk to my mother any more (and haven't in about 9 or so years) after she "borrowed" something from my W without asking.
Ouch!!
That's also not where I want to end up. My parents are good, loving people, but they are horrible communicators and are completely irrational when it comes to their children.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yeah. I guess I just had to, at an early age, BE teh adult for my mother. Shehas some real issues to deal with - bipolar not being the least of them.
I also have a sister who took it upon herself to b!tch out my W for not "letting me" come "home" for Christmas early on in our M. Very much like your sitch.
Since I grew up with the D'd family, with all my extended family in the same town, my holidays growing up were like progressive dinners on steroids. I would hit 3 different households on the particular holiday.
When I got M'd, I knew some day we would have kids and I did not want my kids having to do that. I didn't want my W to either. So, I just made it a rule that my W and I would have our holidays in OUR home, and whoever was more than welcome to come to us for the holiday. My W's parents always have been with us, so I'm sure that bred a certain amount of resentment with some of my family.
You know what to do. Your family won't shut you out. Your W just might if she thinks you're not on her side.
I told my sister that if she had a problem with my W, she needed to take it up with me, not her. I, not my wife, was my sister's flesh and blood relative.
I told my sister her actions were wrong and inappropriate and never to do it again. And she hasn't. My sister and I are on good terms now (truth be told, my mother was behind getting my sister to strike out).
Bless her bones. I think Mrs. Thinker and I have the same challenge with in-laws and I completely understand her tears.
For you to see/know this about her is an intimacy. Just speculating but based on a lot of experience in this very arena (!), that woman believed she was protecting you from this. She probably struggled with not wanting to be in the position of making you choose. And being good enough. And presenting children to your parents who are good enough. And belonging. ALL VERY TENDER AREAS FOR A WOMAN.
I'm so happy for her that you can see this. Now she has a partner
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Just had a very civil, but very blunt and to the point discussion with my parents.
It overall went well. Note to anyone who has to have a similar conversation: I highly recommend the book "Crucial Conversations"
I got them to vent out a list of their complaints - and predictably they started blaming everything on Mrs. Thinker
I then took personal responsibility for each of them - "Don't blame her for that. That is not her responsibility. I am your child, not her. If you are going to be angry, then be angry at me. I'm right here."
Regarding the infrequency of our visits, I told them the (painful to them) reasons that I am not comfortable visiting. Again "Don't blame this on Mrs. Thinker. This is MY choice."
I asked them to please, if you have any issues with me or my family, address them with me.
I think it was very uncomfortable for my Mom. She completely denied that any issues existed at all and then dropped off the call early. It ended as a direct, honest, man-to-man discussion with my Dad.
I don't think they are happy, but they understand. First time I have been this open and direct with them. I had to do this to clear the air.
I've now drawn the line.
Last edited by Thinker; 09/10/0902:30 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
