After 30 Years!

[Eskimo Nell]

Oooh Rabbit - some similar traits going on with us, here - especially

my security was in H not in myself or my own abilities. So he was tested to the full extreme to prove his love! although genuinely I didnt realise I was still doing it but maybe the damage was done long ago I dont know? Im just concerned that my 180's could be seen as "more of the same" revenge, just being cold and caculated and getting on with things!

I feel exactly the same but have no answer on this one, I'm afraid.

Two things that I can pick you up (kindly) on:

1) Try not to say anything to family or friends about your sitch. I know that you need them as sounding boards at times but I have learned to do that here instead - it's less risky! It really takes a lot of strength but whatever you tell to people will come back - all of it like Chinese whispers. People don't mean to do it but they can't help themselves - and they mostly get it all wrong. YOU are the only one dealing with the fallout. Let them know that you are OK and you are getting along with life but that's it. I only give my folks a one liner now and NOTHING that can be mis-construed.

2) Your phone call seems to have gone well overall but don't tell H "you know where I am" as that lays out the doormat! Also, (I know, easy to say) you should have kept the conversation to an absolute minimum and YOU should have been the one to end it by saying you were too busy to talk right now. (Not clear from your text who did end the convo but I am guessing it was H?)!!

So, what you did good was to explain the sitch re the bank cards, mortgage and sick friend. What you also did was to reflect on the talk when you got off the phone and you looked for other peole's wisdom here to be able to bench mark how you did. That's awesome! You were able to draw up some goal from that and that's a big step on from where I am ... I keep trying but failing!

You have certainly embraced DB'ing very well, IMHO! I think that you are right not to hold your breath on a phone call from H in a few days time ... remember - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do! It's a good 'out' for them as well, to get off the phone without losing face or being the bad guy. The old "I'll call you" routine! We've all been there!

So, I reckon that you handled that well overall. Try to prepare yourself for next time you speak on the phone and remember to breath. It's also OK to say "I really don't know how I feel about that right now (any situation) so I need some time to think before I let you know" - not dismissive but not compelling you to anything either.

Well done Rabbit ... top of the class - though others may have different thoughts ... !!