My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[Steve McQueen]

Let it go. One way to catch a monkey is to put a nut in a box with a hole in it big enough for the monkeys hand to go thru and small enough that the monkeys fist won't come out while clutching the nut. The monkey won't let go and then it's doomed to be a captive. Squeezing the nut harder and pulling with all it's might won't work. To be free all the monkey has to do is let go.

I love this analogy. Is it really true?

NAW. There are a number of men on this site whose wives reached right in pulled 'em off and now dont have to do the dishes, vacuum or help the kids with the homework and they are free do to what they want.
SMcQ

[RedSoxFan]

I tell her this but she says that she does share and does accept.

Why don't you believe her?

I do believe her. Thats what she thinks. That doesn't mean either or both of us are or are not correct, right? Ultimately I used the term feels because I'm not sure its fact. I know that its what I feel. I believe it bares out in fact but it seems like I somehow lack confidence to stand up for myself or something!? Not sure.

First, I always feel like she uses double standards. I feel as though she holds me to a different standard than herself.

Second, I feel like even though I am responsible for probably 75% of the problems in the relationship, she holds me accountable for 100% and never truly accepts her part.

I feel like for years I've just wanted to have her share some of it with me.

Lot of feeling going on. It's good to have feelings, do you understand why you feel the way you do? While women want men who "feel" they don't want a man who lets his emotions lead him. What do you think she meant when she said "she does share and accept" ?

well, she basically disagreed with me about the 75/25 thing and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes telling me why everything was my fault. I pointed it out and she didn't have a response. I go back and forth between thinking that I am at fault but unwilling to accept 100% responsibility and being mostly at fault but deserving some shared responsibility.

Using words like always and never are signs of pessimistic thinking. Google - Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism"

Damn, you are good Coach. The pessimism is a chronic problem for me. I have been working on it for years and have improved dramatically. Often I go back through and delete the always and never. If you've noticed in my posts over the last week or two I've become very negative and pessimistic. I really need to figure out how and why I'm sliding into negativism, pessimism and losing hope

[Coach]

I really need to figure out how and why I'm sliding into negativism, pessimism and losing hope

Change your thinking.

Learn the ABC technique.

[RedSoxFan]

Change your thinking.

Learn the ABC technique.

Activity-Based Costing?

Seriously, is this a DBing technique or other? Don't recall it from the book.

[Coach]

ABC is a Cogntive Behavior Therapy technique to get your thinking straight. Once your thinking changes then your emotions do. Seligman made a interesting discovery about "learned helplessness." If you can learn it then you can unlearn it.

[bonnyh]

ABC - I thought of activity based costing too.

[Thinker]

A: Adversity - something bad happens
B: Beliefs - we believe something is the cause or grounds for the adversity
C: Consequences - those beliefs have consequences for our emotions and our responses

With the idea that if you change your beliefs about why something is happening you change the consequences to your emotions and therefore change how you respond, there are then 2 more steps

D: Dispute - challenge the beliefs with alternative (more positive) theories about why the bad things happened
E: Energization - the changed beliefs energize you to take a new, more optimistic approach

ABCDE

The whole book "Learned Optimism" is great! Really worthwhile.

[RedSoxFan]

ABC is a Cogntive Behavior Therapy technique to get your thinking straight. Once your thinking changes then your emotions do. Seligman made a interesting discovery about "learned helplessness." If you can learn it then you can unlearn it.

Got it. Generally familiar with the theory. Have been practicing it for many years with PC. Better work harder ;-)

[RedSoxFan]

ABCDE

The whole book "Learned Optimism" is great! Really worthwhile.

Thanks. Good text to have on hand. Latest edition $10.20 on the way from Amazon.

[antlers]

Let it go. One way to catch a monkey is to put a nut in a box with a hole in it big enough for the monkeys hand to go thru and small enough that the monkeys fist won't come out while clutching the nut. The monkey won't let go and then it's doomed to be a captive. Squeezing the nut harder and pulling with all it's might won't work. To be free all the monkey has to do is let go.

Coach, you keep posting stuff like this...and it's so insightful! Thanks.