I'm following your sitch with great interest because it's very similar to mine. I am also at the end of my rope, and ready to just move on. Maybe it'll make my W come around, who knows? I know I can't keep going on like I have been, and if that means my M is over, then so be it.
You've mentioned in the past that your W continually brought up your behavior from long ago as justification for her actions. My W is doing the same thing. Do you mind if I ask what is it you did that she can't let go of? What was your response to her? Sure seems like she's willing to let it go now!
She said that I didn't treat her son my SS well--BS. I've thought about this for a long, long time. Funny thing is, he's been contacting me and not her--weird how she thought that discipline and teaching my son to do the right thing can be misconstrued by her to do what she wants. I'm not saying I was a perfect parent though-don't believe for a second that I don't have regrets about things I've said and done.
Another thing she mentioned was that I never gave her any attention. This was partially true. I did give her attention but it was not as much as she wanted or needed apparently. We got caught up in a rut and took each other for granted.
Now that I look back at it after having cut communication with her and thinking more logically it just appears that these were normal marriage/communication problems that could have been easily addressed. Instead, she used them as reasons to justify her actions--sleeping with multiple men, falling in love with one of them, leaving me the day after I got back from Iraq, leaving her daughter, risking her career(adultry is a crime in the military as is fraternization), not speaking to her parents anymore or mine and on and on and on. And the lies, oh there were so many lies.
I couldn't respond to her any way that mattered to her. I apologized and told her that I was willing to work on the future but that there was nothing that I could do about the past. She simply told me that she was unwilling to forgive it--yet another way to justify her behavior.
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Sure seems like she's willing to let it go now!
It sure does but for some reason I'm not in a celebratory mood. I know exactly how she feels(at least I think I do). The thing about it is, I don't think I can take her back at this point. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want me to suffer either. It was only a matter of time before this happened--she had to have known. Maybe if I had tried this before--but then again, I wasn't ready to go out and have fun and do what I wanted to do. Each person on here will do things in their own time and my time is now. We've been seperated for over a year now--remember I spent 6 months in Iraq and she has been living out of my house for 7 months now. I know I'm rambling here but it feels good to get my thoughts out where people who are objective can look at them and provide feedback. I think that things are too far gone to fix and I've given about all I can and don't think that I want to try anymore with this woman when there are other women out there that won't do this to me.
Long answer, huh?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I think your course of action is pretty clear from that last post, John. You sound more at peace with things than at any other time since I first started following your threads.
You never know, you could still get back together down the road. I'm not certain of the statistics, but I think it's something like 20% of divorced couples remarry each other. Treat her with grace, civility and forgiveness as you exit, and you never know what the future may hold.
Thanks for your candid answer. I agree with Puppy, you seem like you've gotten off the emotional roller coaster, and are now looking at things clearly and rationally.
My W is also claiming things that are either outright untrue or highly exaggerated. I guess that's script in these situations. However, there is one thing she is dead right on, and I carry deep regret for some of my behavior long ago when we first met. She is using that to nullify our whole R and M, which is so obviously just to avoid her own guilt. I've owned how I hurt her, I've apologized deeply and sincerely to her, and I've clearly and consistently shown I'm not like that anymore. What else can I do?
It's time I employed the tried and true Gucci approach. If she decides she wants to work on our R, maybe I will too, and if she doesn't, then it's all over.
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Treat her with grace, civility and forgiveness as you exit, and you never know what the future may hold.
I've owned how I hurt her, I've apologized deeply and sincerely to her, and I've clearly and consistently shown I'm not like that anymore. What else can I do?
As far as she goes, there is nothing else you can do. She knows that you owned hurting her and that your apologies have been deep and sincere. And I believe that she knows, as evidenced by your clear and consistent behavior, that you're not like that anymore. Trust yourself and respect yourself. And, you can continue to grow and learn and become better and stronger in every aspect.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Great, more drama. Got an email from the wife today telling me that SS has gotten his GF pregnant. Remember how he cancelled his wedding a few weeks back and has no job, etc? My SS has failed to tell me that in our conversations and apparently the wife found out from her ex about this.
She wrote the following:
John, if I ever needed you it’s now. If we can just talk for a little while, it will make me feel so much better. I understand I’ve hurt you very deeply and I wish I could take it all back and undo it. I can only try my damnedest to make it up to you if you will let me.
I am aching to see you and hold you. I am so sorry for everything. I love you and I miss you. You are the love of my life and I fear I’ve lost you forever.
How do I respond to that? I feel bad but hey the two events are not related. I don't want to be sucked back in. I'm not trying to be a jerk but what do I say? Call your BF?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
You can choose to be a male role model for your SS without getting pulled back into her drama. You could tell her that you will help by directly contacting your SS. she doesn't need to be an intermediary. Not anymore than I need to be a father for my wife's love child.
You're doing great. Stay strong.
Now I'm going to get my free anniversary dinner my wife is offering, cause I'm cheap!!
Wow, just like how my W uses our little kids to pull me back over and over. She knows how I'll always put their needs above my issues with her.
I understand your conflict about this. If she just needed you to act as a father here, she wouldn't have laced her e-mail with "I need you", "I'm aching to see you", "I love you", etc. This is about her. If you feel you should take some action with her to address the situation with your SS, then definitely do it, but you could make it clear to her this is about HIM, not HER.
You can choose to be a male role model for your SS without getting pulled back into her drama. You could tell her that you will help by directly contacting your SS. she doesn't need to be an intermediary.
