I had a thought. Something that might make things a little easier for you. When I was flipping and flopping and really uncertain, my posts looked a lot like yours. Good if H was ok, not so good if H was being really wierd. It took me a ton of time (in my mind anyway) but when I finally committed to a course of action, it made it easier to not be affected by H's actions so much. As I really understood what he was going through, in a group sense vs. and individual sense (what MLC is, not what his MLC is), it was sooo much easier to detatch from it. To focus on self and S and let H flap in the wind. It isn't an easy thing to do, it is painful and scary to have no idea what the outcome will be, but when I fully accepted that I did have power in the situation, that I can walk out the door at any second if I choose to, if it gets to be too much, if I just don't want to do it anymore, it is much easier to just see what is going to happen. I do not wait for H. I wait for the Lord to do His work. In the meantime, I work on me, let Him work on me. For years, I never smiled just to smile. I was a very serious person. I had NO patience. I had little tolerance. I am not that person anymore. I smile when I have a happy thought, I smile when I wake up, I have unbelievable amounts of patience. Unbelievable. I never thought that I would have even an ounce of patience compared to what is within me now. But I am not powerless. This is not all in H's hands. It is not all up to him. Yes, I still have bad days. I still hurt. But the bad days now make me look within to see what else there might be to work on. They allow me the ability to state and set boundaries. I see H and his behaviors much more objectivly now.
Your S, your oldest, is prepubesent. He is going to be going through some very interesting things in these next couple of years, and I actually think it is more emotional and harder for boys than girls. Believe me, they get very PMSy, without having PMS. LOL. In my mind, I have put H there as well. With my S, I can talk to him (not so easy with H but...)but I have to let him make his own way. As he understands biology, he knows what is going on with his body, but the rest is harder.
Mom, do you think I'm ready to date? Well S NO, NOT UNTIL I AM DEAD, but I can't say that. Who do you want to date? How does that make you feel? What do you think about that? Now it is back in his hands. No dating yet.
Mom, I want to try beer, what is it like to be drunk? OH MY GOD. Ok S, you can have one beer. Here at home. No, I won't play drinking games with you like your friends parents do, this has been my experience with alcohol. Still curious, but not so much because he knows the dangers.
The list could go on and on. But I can't do it for him. I can be here, I can guide him, I can listen, but I can't do the work or make the choices. Only he can. Just like only H can. The choices may not be the ones that I want, but I will always love him no matter what. I may not always understand the choices, but when I don't, I have started looking to see if there are changes down the road based on the choice he made. I know where my boundaries lie, most days, and that is what I look for. Are they being disregarded? Do I feel powerless? Has this become a bad situation for me?
I hope this makes some sense.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Picking up on Cats first part, I think the MLC can throw us too. Don't forget that MLC is a type of depression, depression is recognised as a major medical event. If your H hits depression soon (and I reckon he would be likely to hit hard!) it is actually easier cos then you can see there is something there tangable.
Okay folks! Update! (Yeah and I forget the original question too SR...)
I realised yesterday I was panicking in anticipation of H`s foul humour on Sunday night AND because I hadnt made rung up the mediation people(they`re a free pubblic service here to help spouses agree terms of separation.
In ringing them up I am letting H go.
If I don`t ring them I`m tying him.
He has finally made a decision. Hurrah!
Not the one I want.
But I have to let him roll with the consequences of that.
Or at least let the ball roll on til he can actually see what S entails for all of us.
I calmed yesterday. I felt the lightness of being I`d gotten last week. I said let H confront me if he must cos I am ready.
Loooong story, but we spoke for an hour and a half. I calmed H to the point that I was painting my nails, rubbing in body lotion(into me!)able to be light hearted and laugh, yet listen and validate as much as poss without-I hope!-going over the top.
Its too late now! I`m jealous of you! You`re happy, I`m not!
They were the things I heard, but at the end of the convo he `s still adamant that he wants to move out. Not too clear on the details-apartment in town/with parents 100 miles away.
I`m ringing mediation people today. Let him go, if he must.
I sympathized with H when he said he found living in our home too difficult for him and asked him to let me know if I could make that any easier for him.
Aim:I want the next couple of months to be as pleasant as poss while we wait for this appt to come through.
I thanked him for the conversation, for his frankness and for making the decision which I know he finds hard to do.
Oh and I gave him all the other options which he shot down.
Cool on the FB. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want.
It sounds like a calm talk. It sounds like this may be what he needs. Some of them do have to go. I have wondered if being here was too difficult for H as well, but I have to let that be up to him for as long as I can handle it.
The mediation MIGHT make things seem more real to him. It might open his eyes just a tiny bit. You just never know. I read on here all the time about the S who wants it ending up being the one slowing it down when it actually comes. Just wierd but some times we have to actually experience things to grasp what they really entail.
Sorry for losing the train of the original thought. LOL.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Cat, yeah I checked out FB and am adding it to my GAL goals (and R goals-let`s keep H jealous!) to get on there this week.
I`m hoping my signing up for mediation will take the tension out of the air. H has got what he wanted. They`ll ring him today to tell him.
I`ve just confirmed my attendance with them and thy`ve told me it`ll take eight weeks til we`re in negotiations for S, 3 weeks to run through the negotiations if they`re straight forward.
I`m sick for the kids but H has threatened again last night just to land the story of our M problems and S on them out of the blue. at least if we mediate we`ll get a proper plan in place in terms of how/when/where to tell them-and what to say.
In my heart of hearts of course I`m hugely saddened by this course of events but I`m keeping the tears for 3 am and keeping the sunny side out.
Among the ridiculous things H said last night -I want to move nearer home so I can mind my parents when they`ll older(can`t mind his own kids...) -I realised I`m a small town man(20 years after living in a big town) -I`m moving into an apartment in the middle of Big Town(even though I`m a small town man) -When I get the urge for intimacy I go to a football match(doesn`t bear thinking about...) -I can`t get interested in the kids or my job and I keep avoiding ppl(so separation is the logical answer) -I`m a nice person really -I want to do the things I did when I was a kid -I hate that ppl are talking about us(even though we`ll be the talk of the town when they get wind of the separation) -Your brother is happy being separated(but his kids are not-but that doesn`t matter, right?)! -I feel like telling the kids right now all about us(great!)
Oh, naturally I bit my tongue.
Well, on with the goals of this week-looking good and being very very mysterious.
Oh, and maybe getting a bit of WORK done around here!
H was home an hour early from work yesterday. I kept things light, asked him how work went. Not well he said but I didn`t pursue the topic. The mediation people would have contacted him yesterday to confirm my registering for an appointment. Hasn`t made H any happier.
He snooped through my internet files this am. Just found where I`ve been looking at fb. That`ll get him worried since he never saw me there before. Thankfully, db files deleted.
He`s still curious about me then. And I`m staying cool and looking good. I`m gearing up for separation though. He may need to have his ass out of here before he truly realises what he`s given up-that`s if he ever does.
He`s gone this pm. At least he told me this time he was off on a golfing trip.
Oh, and his former OW`s former H contacted me yesterday. Basically to vent about his ex. Haven`t heard from him in a year but he`s a lesson in how not to separate;just so full of anger, kids tossed between the two of them, court battles etc.
Whatever happens, as long as I keep my cool and keep my dignity, it will make things easier.
Hmmm, see you`ve taken a snide comment from your H too. They just can`t resist it at times. My H has said-in all too brief moments of clarity-that he is jealous of me `being so happy` `doing so well` and it would be easier for him if I were miserable.
They really seem to need to bring us down at times.
Glad I`ve taken up meditation lately. It helps to stick my mind into some place really peaceful!
Hugs to you. Haven`t a clue about the alt but have established a presence!
Yea, just a simple snide comment that really should not have meant much, except it sort of just means the beginning of more if he is around. Which means that I am grateful he is working the next couple of days and I will have minimal contact with him.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yeah, but do you ever find they still come back after those times in worse form and you`re dreading him coming back anyhow cos you know the mood that`s coming?
