We haven't talked in a long time. I'm dropping in.
You are doing well under the circumstances, which is pretty crappy nevertheless.
There's the betrayal and abandonment.
There's losing your husband.
There's financial hardship.
There's losing your friends/family/spiritual community.
There's the implioit support of your husband's affair by his church and family.
There's watching your daughter be forced to cozy up to the OW.
It would be enough to drive me crazy. Crazy, angry, exhausted, bitter and depressed.
Your WHOLE world turned upside down, gravity turned off, your life taken away from you. The absolute loss of control over your destiny.
Some thoughts....
1. Get some kind of schedule from your ex-husband for his visitation times. Get your lawyer in on this. You can't plan to have a social life with a floating schedule set according your ex-husband's convenince. If your ex agrees, it's better for you and your daughter. If he doesn't comply to the set times, he doesn't get to see his daughter. I don't think she needs be shielded from his selfish shennanigans. If she sees less of the OW, all the better. You are not called to continually be crucified for your ex-husband's sins. Let him take the heat for some of them. Playing along and killing yourself so that your daughter can have more time with your ex is not healthy. Excercize more control here. You can set a schedule. That way you can have a life.
2. You can control your breathing. Use your breath as a meditative device.
3. You can control your body. It's the most basic form of self-control and self-mastery. Begin to take care of it more. Eat healthier. Excercize it. Walking, hiking and biking are all cheap or free. If you feel you can gain mastery over your body, you will begin to regain some form sense of control over your life. Start inward and work your way out. That's what I'm doing these days, and it's making a world of difference.
4. Community is not an option for you. Socially OR spiritually. In general very, very, very few of the saints were called to be ascetics or hermits. Even monks/nuns live in community. You CAN'T survive spiritually very well without a church family. Find a Catholic parish you feel comfortable in. Join some of the groups. Open youself to friendship. You have a lot to offer. Others have lots to offer you. Ask for help. There are people ready, willing and able to help you. I was never big on the "me and Jesus makes a majority" kind of faith. I know you are not either. But pragmatically speaking, the Christian faith is IMPOSSIBLE to live without community/church. It was not designed to be a solo experience of long, tired and dry obedience. It wasn't even designed to a solo experience of ecstatic mystical experiences -- a kind of auto spiritual eroticism. We experience Christ primarily through his body, the church, imperfect as it is. You will only find a church by visiting some. So whatcha doing next sunday? Go ahead, excercize control over that part of your life, too.
5. Friendship and fun are necessary too. You may find that your church is a way to connect with people. Look online. Meetup groups are often hobby or interest related. Many of the activities are cheap or free. Knitting, hiking, orienteering, dancing. I saw a meetup called Theology and Beer. It's basically sitting over a pint and talking about the "great" issues for hours. If you meet families at church, invite them over for lunch. Plan a picnic. You can take excercize control over that part of your life, too.
Is what I'm saying easy? No. But once you star taking even some small steps, it will get easier.
If many of us lived closer, we'd be there in a second. But since we aren't, you're gonna have to reach out a bit more.
Sermon over.
I'm a big fan of hoosiermama.
You are strong, sweet and sexy. Yeah, your beat up, but your an amazing woman.
