I've read almost all of your posts the last couple of days. My curiousity was piqued when I saw mention that your bf suffers from depression. Our stories are amazingly similar. My H and I separated for 18 months and have been back together for three years now. I'm posting to say "thank you" for posting your journey so openly and honestly! It's been a blessing for me to read and confirmation that my H's depression was largely responsible for our break. Although we are very, very happy, I've wondered why we've never discussed and gotten to the bottom of the reasons he said IDLYA, left, and had a relationship with ow. It hasn't been much of an issue between us, and like you, we went back to our former relationship (improved though!), and haven't looked back. My H is also positive that he will never stray again, and is soooo loving, even more than he was before the break. If it eases your mind at all, my H has said everything that your bf has said. That he wasn't thinking right, that he can't remember, and he's amazed at the things he did while he was in "the black hole". He said he loved me, but couldn't FEEL the love he knew he should be feeling for me. That it haunted him, and he started searching for happiness and relief from the black fog that surrounded him every day. He left and was deeper depressed and couldn't catch happiness. He didn't pull out of his fog until he was treated for his depression and says he doesn't know the person he was while we were separated. He totally can't relate to who he was or the things he did then.
You are correct that depression is something that you will most likely deal with long term. It isn't easy, but it's easier knowing what his illness is and how it can affect him. Most importantly, he has a name for his unhappiness now, and it's not mine! We also battle sexual issues (mostly due to ADs). For a long time I thought it was fallout from his R with ow. He felt guilty for hurting her. He felt guilty that she didn't mean anything to him. He felt guilty for hurting me and our kids. Most of all, he felt like he had missed out on so much while we were separated and just wanted to move on. He doesn't want to waste a minute of time talking about the past, or hashing out reasons. I was unable to accept that for a long time, but I've come to realize we have a reason. Depression. We can't figure out logically what happened and how our depressed WAS felt because everything they went through defies logic. That's why it's an illness that is treated.. it's not normal.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing! I hope it helps you just a little that there is another WAH out here whose experience mirrors your bf's. I truly don't think you have a thing to worry about in the future. I'm living that future in my R and it's FABULOUS. Accept it.. you deserve it!!
