I think that was GIMA's point. What do you have control over?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Just a funny observation: It really seems to pi$$ her of that I am not the a-hole that she wants me to be.
Example:
She acts strange and distant. I say "Hi, what a beautiful day outside."
She acts like a total b**ch. I say, I'm sorry you're having a tough day.
It seems to bother her. She really seems to want me to be a jerk to justify her actions toward me. It seems to make her more mad when I am not.
An E-mail from a minute ago got me thinking. I sent her a message to let her know I'd be home late tonight. I didn't say why and that seems to bother her (my IC appt). Her response was short and snippy, so I had to send one back..."I hope you're having a great day! ---no response from W.
As the great Bugs Bunny said..."Ain't I a stinker?"
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She's been back in her room the past two nights. I didn't invite her in though. I've made no advances. No hugs, no kisses. I didn't tell her that she was welcome to come in either. I'm just going with her flow. Should I invite her in?
Nope. And here's the attitude to foster in yourself - not that YOU want HER back, but that SHE needs to have SPACE to FIND HERSELF. That can be a good thing in a M. Like her book choice shows - if she finds herself, she can find love. If she feels you UNDERSTAND - because you really do, not because you are trying to convince her - that she needs space to find herself, she may not move out to do it.
I had a MLC before our bomb. It means I am not at all just a victim of WAS. I hit 40 and my S started school fulltime and I didn't know who I was. It hit me haaaaard. I wasn't as thin, young, independant as I once was. I felt trapped as a wife and mother, not because I didn't want to be but because I wasn't facing my feelings about growning older and letting go of my youth.
Had I been able to admit this to myself, I could have talked to my H. Had I talked to my H, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am today.
May I suggest read "Eat, Pray, Love" and put your feelings and fears aside. Be open to imagining what she is getting from it and what she needs. Then you can come to her and say, "I understand" that's really all I ever wanted from my H and many of my girlfriends and the books say that is what women reaaaaaalllllllllly love. Understanding. Compassion. Support her need to find herself. Don't put it in terms of D because that is irrelevant - keep it coming back to an inner feeling of freedom for her. Like you are supporting her development of herself. Perhaps then she can stop blaming you for "stopping" her from finding herself and she can do the work herself and see she has a loving supportive partner along the way.
Just my two cents from a woman's perspective. Good luck EB
Do you have any suggestions on how I can be supportive without coming off as trying to "fix" her? That's been a real issue for me. Anything that I do to try to be understanding or supportive seems to come off that way to her.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I thought the numbness from early last week would have worn off by now. It hasn't really.
She's still in my house. No more talk of leaving. No talk of staying. The uneasiness that was there between us before I said I accept that she is moving out seems to be gone. No more coming into my room or touching, but not anger either.
I'm really starting to question what I want now. I am truly sorry for my role in this, but do I want to be with a woman who treats me like she has? Should I see this as a terrible time that if we work through there is a great marriage waiting on the other side?
If nothing else, it helps me understand how she has gotten to her place a little better.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm really starting to question what I want now. I am truly sorry for my role in this, but do I want to be with a woman who treats me like she has?
This is normal. Especially the doubting part. Just realize, you "feel" this way b/c she is not meeting your needs right now. And remember, this is why we don't trust our "feelings." Love is a decision.
Quote:
Should I see this as a terrible time that if we work through there is a great marriage waiting on the other side?
Absolutely. Who knows what will happen with anyone here. And, that includes what you will want. But, if you understand why you feel the way you do right now, and that feelings are not a solid base for a decision, you can understand that the answer to this question is "yes."
---no response from W.