I think my brain is going here ... the folks I'm talking to seem clear that they haven't wanted to speak to their husbands about what is wrong. If it's me, and I'm not getting something I need, I'm gonna speak up. Now, maybe that thought is shaded by my post-bomb awareness and hyper-sensitivity to the subject. It just seems like there is something in their mind that says, "I shouldn't have to tell them." My W freely admits that she never mentioned that anything was missing, until after she had found someone else.
or ... it could be that I'm trying to make sense out of something that for many of these folks is just justification for actions they know are wrong ... addicted to the feeling.
Do you guys really want to know what goes on in a woman's mind?
This could be a little long, but yes like Jack said, they have, we have complained. Maybe not in the right way but most do speak up.
Women start out young, attractive, pretty to themselves. And obviously to the man who is interested in them. They get married and life happens. Women have children, which changes us chemically, physically, and emotionally. Suddenly, you are responsible for another human life. Yes, so is the H, but he can walk at anytime. For most women, they know this in the back of there mind. Not a ton of men take their kids when they leave. So responsibility sets in. In a major way.
Their body now has stretch marks, hemmorroids, extra weight that just won't come off. They are not all that pretty in many ways. They are busy constantly taking care of someone. Dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be washed, the toilets need to be scrubbed. Most H's want Martha Stewart in the house, the porn queen in the bedroom. The kids want mommy, which doesn't fit into either of those scenarios. We, most of us, also work outside of the home. So there is that responsibility too.
So as the years go by, you begin to wonder, do I wipe the nose, put on the lace (and why do I need to, I didn't when we were younger and do I really have the energy to do that anyway when the kitchen floor needs to be washed?) or the apron to make dinner? How many hands do I need to have, or maybe I should just be cloned.
All most of us want to do, is sit down, and talk to someone, anyone, for a half hour or so a day about what is going on. We do have brains but they only really get to relax when we are going to sleep.
Feeling like a human being is often what ends up missing. A human being that is liked for who they are, not what they do for others. Who doesn't feel like in some area of her life, she is letting someone down. And asking for help is most often interperated as nagging or controlling. Saying you are tired is interperated as not having interest in your partner. Not being willing to give to the sexually out of sheer exhaustion is failure.
So suddenly, one day, you wake up and you wonder who you are. Why no one hears you. Why does my husband want to watch the sexy 20 somethings on the tv before he touches me? Does he need that to be attracted to me now? Then you look in the mirror and oh my God, you see your mother, or your grandmother. And you are only around 35 or 40. When did you get so old? Then you start listening to yourself and you sound like your mother. How did I become this person?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
And my pet hate "you are a great mother". People mean it well, but its not a compliment about a woman as a person. That would be "you have great patience with your kids" or "I love your ability to explain complex things simply"
Just like saying "you look pretty" is not at all like saying "I love it when you wear your hair like that" or "that outfit realy suits you"
Not being a mum until mid 30s, I have found the way people talk to you changes overnight. All anyone seems to want to talk about is your kids! Yes, it is up to us as well, of course. But it is a two way process.
ok now i'm cracking up. But I would have no problem with it if I could get some rest once in a while.
Mach is right though. And I wasn't trying to be blaming or anything. It really is what goes through our heads.
Maybe if a man would say, hey gimme me stouffers and make yourself pretty for what I really want, it would seem so much easier. And remind us daily that we don't look like our mothers (even if we do, LOL)
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
