Are you still feeling stong today? It looks like you and I are starting to get the same attitude of strength at about the same time.
I'm so glad to hear that EB! I'm definitely better - I was literally paralyzed the last few days - complete panic attacks. That's mainly gone now, and I'm still keeping my chin up. That's progress. Do I feel like superbabe who can handle anything? No. Do I want to hide from all this crap? Yes. Am I totally confused - one minute feeling he wants me back, one minute feeling he is just being nice to get what he wants from me - one minute loving him, one minute hating him - yes.
But for once in a long while I am dealing with the feelings instead of running away. What is it about distance that makes you see your part in it (once it's too late) - I was so wrapped up in how H hurt me - blaming him, fighting with him for not being passionate with me, not being more emotionally available for me, being a workhorse and not a romantic - and I forgot to see and listen to how I was feeling, he was feeling, and deal with both openly.
I would run off and do theater every night - admittedly an important part of who I am, but I would fantasize about the emotionally open men in the performing arts who seemed more attractive - instead of working on this with my H, I stayed out of the house and in fantasy. I avoided him to avoid my feelings. And this hurt him. He felt rejected. I didn't realize it then, because all I thought about was how hurt I was. And now - god help me if it's not too late to try a relationship where I can be less selfish. That's why when I'm with him I try to be much more understanding of him, more attentive, more appreciative, more selfless. I am opening to him in ways I hadn't in years. Hoping he will open up in response, and if you read my thread, in so many ways he has opened up in new ways - even with all the bluster of OW and Legal Separation - he and I feel good together again, and he's around again - a month ago there was none of this.
So, yeah, there's Hope!
How are you????
It really boils down to a fear of intimacy and I'm still not sure why I had that or how to get out of it - but I need to face it with whomever I end up with.
