I think it's just been so natural for me to put my own needs aside that I struggle still with making my needs a priority - and I know that I have to do that - in a healthy way - in order to be a better father, man, etc.
Losing a pet can be so very brutal - I don't think people realize just how sad it can be to lose such a beloved part of our lives. While still together, B and I had a dear cat die of cancer a few years ago - it was just devastating.
How is the recharge and refocusing going? I've been trying to do a lot of that myself the last couple days. The long weekend was much harder than expected. I had wonderful day with S2 at the beach on Saturday - but then spent far too much time by myself on Sunday and Monday...I did get to see S2 Monday afternoon, as always, but the time alone made me feel the absence of my children in a big way. By the time S2 was home with me on Saturday, I was holding him above me, laughing with him, and once again - the joy brought a torrent of tears...same thing happened to me again yesterday..a lot of it just comes from missing S12 so much.
S12 called me late Monday night - he was crying when I answered the phone - and he told me that he missed S2 and me very much - and that he tried talking about it with his mom and her husband, but that he really just wanted to talk with me. It was gut-wrenching to hear him cry...I told him that I was proud of him, that he's a remarkable boy and that I knew he would thrive while there. I also said that sometimes we deal with tough moments in our lives, and don't always see the good things that will come of it, but as we work through them, and keep doing what we have to do, that we will always be fine. I then told him that I admire him, and respect him - and that I knew he would make the most of his time while we're apart.
When we hung up the phone...I fell apart....
I still have a lot of work to do on myself...still have a lot of healing to address...I think the trick is not to dwell on the pain and sadness - to feel it - let it go - but then to do things...just do things, since who we are, in the end, is so very determined by our actions...not our thoughts about our actions...it's true about how we love, and true about how we live.
