RSF- checking in mobally here. One thing that stands out to me is that you take responsibility for her cheating on you in the past. I really have an issue with that. She chose how to handle her feelings and what actions to take. This is only relavent because I think part of your controlling and self-centered impulses may be generated from guilt and your desire to make things right for your own peace of mind. But your marriage and the past are now past, she is absolutely culpable for her cheating. Women have husbands who go away for years and stay faithful. Once you told her you were done and you moved on, that is different to me. But, while you were together, though it is big of you and essential to own your part, ultimately, she broke a very important covenant.
My H cheated many years back and I made what I think now was a misguided choice, in my effort to save my marriage, to assuage much of his guilt by taking too much responsibilty. Now, I see that I affirmed and kind of cosigned that I have that kind of power in the relationship and he never really stopped operating from that place. And even now, he has justified so many of his choices by adeptly connecting them to something I did or said. Even my 9 year old knows and states that people make their own choices.
My point is that if you can even the scales in your mind a bit and try to process that where you two are was a long time coming and must be lived out fully and lived through to get to a clean place in which she feels responsible for herself and you for ypurself and you create a new, fresh relationship with a sustainable paradigm.
I think that I might have been able to get my H back this time with the right amount and type of pressure but, I'm done being that person. I hope something I've said make sense. iPhone typing...
