Does anyone have any thoughts on how I should approach the MC session tomorrow? H said he was inclined to let the MC set the agenda and follow his lead. After any introductions or whatever- should I try to jump in first and set the tone, or let H lead things off?
I imagine it would be best to let the MC set the agenda...and then spend a lot of time listening. Be assertive without being aggressive - and make it clear that you want to set boundaries - which, I suppose, is all part of knowing why you are there in the first place...if you're there to try to work on your M...then it will be more about listening than making accusations...since listening might give your H an opportunity to see where his mindset and attitude toward M/R will eventually lead him...it may also prompt the MC to point out some of the reasons people get addicted to their desires.
It's very possible your H will leave the session feeling attacked...I would not shelter him from that feeling.
Hi Carlos- Your mention of H's mindset reminded me of one other thing from last night. He notices my detachment because he said that I looked like I was already checked out of the M (i.e. looking for apartments) and was trying to push him into being the bad guy to say that he wants out, especially with the recent no-sex boundary besides. I told him that it wasn't meant as a punishment, but something I needed in order to get my thoughts and feelings clear in my head. He saw it as just something to hurt him.
His response to you is just more of the same kind of manipulation...or at least an attempt at it. I guess the odd thing to understand is that to him, his perspective of you and the situation is very real - and that's also why I think it's important not to get sucked into his versions of reality. In his reality, you don't really have an individual persona - you are too entangled and enmeshed - and there isn't a clear distinction between where his "self" ends and yours begins...and so...to him, anything you say or do is about him - and that's not a healthy way for anyone to be. When you engage in conversations about why you're doing what you're doing - you risk stepping into his version of reality - and also risk exposing yourself to his methods of manipulation.
But you cannot teach him to see you as an individual - nor can you change him so that he sees things your way...only he can take care of that for himself...and I think that process would call for understanding why he needs sex in that way...Just to be clear, though. While I'm not into swinging, it makes sense to me that there should be rules involved in participating in that lifestyle - chief of them, respect for the willingness of each partner to take part - if he cannot respect your decision, the problem is not the swinging, it goes much deeper than that - and that's not the kind of thing I think MC can help.
While I'm not into swinging, it makes sense to me that there should be rules involved in participating in that lifestyle - chief of them, respect for the willingness of each partner to take part - if he cannot respect your decision, the problem is not the swinging, it goes much deeper than that
For a non-swinger, you nailed it, I'm impressed. There are rules, and some couples have more than others. No. 1 rule for everybody is "No means No". H doesn't want to accept that from me as a permanent answer. But, he claims this is a minor issue... It's not to me.
I suggest that you write down in about 4 paragraphs a brief description of your marital issues, the swinging and how it has affected you, and your feelings about how your H blames you for everything.
Go back through some of your more recent posts if you want - you have already written some good stuff.
Then when you get to the appointment, hand a copy of it to H, a copy to the MC, and then read it aloud while they both read along. Read it calmly and clearly, showing that you are not just irrational. But don't break down or show too much emotion either. In other words, deliver the FACTS of the situation to the MC straigh out of the gate. Don't just let H humm and haww for months worth of talking out the side of his face...get down to business with the MC and get this stuff on the table in writing.
I thought I was looking forward to meeting with the MC, to having a neutral 3rd party listen to both sides, and help us listen to each other. Now I'm dreading it.
Bunny, he's set you up for that! He's good at it. I would bet that the timing of his "talk" was not an accident. He wants you questioning yourself, and off balance. He still thinks he can manipulate you, as he has done for years. It's time to put a stop to it.
I'm the one who asked him last night if he still wanted to talk before the MC or if he wanted to just wait until Thursday. His saying that he wanted to talk and then not saying anything was really bothering me.
I think he took down our couple profile today, or he changed the password. I tried logging in (I wanted to check on it's status and his single status) and couldn't get in. Could be either- he may have finally taken it down if he was discouraged after last night.
I know I shouldn't, but I hate feeling like I've let him down. I'm really torn up. I could just "take one for the team" again, but I don't want to do that anymore, and my standing up for myself is making us both miserable. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
