Need Advice

[Bworl]

A big part of the success of boundaries is YOUR mindset and attitude.

If you are acting out of anger, or even PERCEIVED to be acting out of anger, you should expect anger and hostility back. Carrying yourself with dignity and confidence, all the while trying to maintain the love you have for this woman is quite the tightrope to walk. For that reason, I think establishing these unequivocal boundaries too soon can actually be counterproductive at times.

That being said, you have tolerated an ongoing affair for too long without some kind of response. Asking her to stop the relationship may sound like the nice way to do it, but sounds like it came across as weak and needy to her.

Consider that your wife, as Coach suggested, has been trying to straddle two worlds. She wants to play in the new sandbox, but she's not sure that it will turn out to be better than her current sandbox, so she's holding on to that one too. Telling her that you may possibly be shutting the door on your sandbox is naturally going to provoke a response from her.

We're tempted to do things to keep the peace. But it's a false peace. And it's really not a peace at all, because your spouse is actually causing massive destruction to your family through her actions.

What I see here is a man who needs to get himself grounded on a few facts.

1. Your wife is having an affair. One that you know about, and she does not care that you know about it.

2. EA's frequently turn to PA's, and then you will be sharing your private parts with HIS private parts when you choose to allow yourself to be her boy toy.

3. In your wife's current state, she is NOT going to make decisions like she used to, nor is she going to respond to logic that she used to respond to. You are not going to rationalize her out of this relationship. Save your breath and devote your time to something more beneficial.

4. You may well be faced with continuing a life without her. While I'm not suggesting that you force the issue on things like divorce, I am telling you that it's not too early to start thinking about how you want that life to look if she does choose to leave.

5. If she is not carrying out her parental responsibilites responsibly, you are the one who must fill in the gaps. And to that end, don't you DARE willingly leave that house. I almost made the same mistake with my ex. Thank God I realized before it was too late that her NEW lifestyle was NOT consistent with her being able to be a responsible parent to our son.


You can do this. But you have to get YOU under control first.

Your actions must carry your confidence and your integrity. They must be motivated out of what is true and right, not out of pettiness or anger. Your wife must see in you someone who's character cannot be called into question.


Blessings,

Bill