Of course we didn't screw them up as kids. Most of us didn't even know them then. But I also agree that we fall into patterns of interaction with them that resembles parental relationships.
Snodderly, I did notice a period of resentment from H toward S. I sort of thought that part of it was just having to be responsible, but I also wondered if some of it was more related to the fact that S gets to be a child, in a loving home, what H may have wanted and didn't get kind of a thing.
One odd thing is that I sort of encouraged H living through S to an extent. I loved watching them play together when S was younger and actually envied H's ability to "get on S's level", as I am very serious and always worried about the what if's. What if he falls? What if he chokes on something? What if he hits his head jumping in the pool? You know those sorts of things.
FG, it is essential to look at ourselves for more reasons than I will list. That is a process but one that I believe is very worth it.
TIF, I have no clue on the who should give them the approval they are seeking. It is sad to actually SEE it now and see that it still is not coming. Although S is now being treated the same way by H's parents, and I know that is making H realize that he is not the only one. So maybe, someday, that will help him to see that it is her and not him. I don't know.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yes, I agree that we all play a part and have to look at ourselves and own things we may have done. We had a marriage that up until the months leading up to the bomb was "good." Really, no big problems. Yes, we had our occasional fights and like most couples with small kids didn't spend enough time alone together, but nothing that warranted all the anger/outlash/etc. I had actually starting noticing changes I wanted to make about myself pre-bomb and had started doing that, and I really think that may be why post-bomb his anger (at least outward that I could see) toward me to a major slow down and stop quite quickly. Things he was doing to push my buttons no longer did, etc. I have barely seen any anger towards ME in quite awhile.
Trying to sort it all out just about makes my brain explode so I have tried right now to just be me and make changes I want and let him figure out himself.
You sound a lot like me - the more serious one, the worrier. My H too (pre MLC anyway) was always better at playing with the kids, and he is thankfully starting to get there on very small levels again. I guess I was too busy being "mom."
I have tried to see if there are patterns like his parents' in our marriage but I don't see a whole lot. He is not like his dad and I am not like his mom (or vice versa) at all, and our relationship and interactions have always been quite different.
It is painful sitting back and watching him seek the approval of whoever because he doesn't accept the approval he gets. He has gotten a lot of positive feedback through work, etc. and yet he doesn't accept it, says blah blah blah about it. I used to push more, but why can't you accept it, etc., but I have just let it be. He needs to look within himself for that.
Guilt, confusion and fear yield changing moods. You may feel like you are living with a Manic Depressive—perhaps you are, but Midlife Crisis is like Manic Depression; it doesn’t mean your spouse is clinically diagnosable as Bipolar. Some change moods every few minutes, whereas others may change over weeks. They may manifest through anger, reckless behaviour or passivity. Some change their minds about leaving every few minutes or weeks, while others leave and seem consistent with their choice. What is noticeable is that they seem like a different person some or all of the time.
In order to avoid Self-reflection and responsibility, the MLCer blames the spouse. Often he will rewrite history, stating the marriage has been falling apart for years. Midlifers hurl accusations: you are the bad guy, you are in denial, you are the one who is confused, you are vindictive; often these are all things the MLCer subconsciously feels about himself.
I read from this site often. It gives me the daiy reminders that this is her path.
The site was created by a former ( if there is such a thing ) DB'er.
Very wise and has seen a lot in her day...
Many of the "Old Timers" will remember her story from here.
Rollercoasterrider I believe was her posting name.....
TIF, FG, Cat04, This really is not about us ya know....
That is sage advice. I guess you can't post the name of that other website on here?
I recently found an anniversary card and V-day card I received from H in 2008 (so not that long ago) in a drawer I was cleaning out (not where I keep my "special" stuff so I think I was meant to find them at this point), and the sentiments written were NOT those of someone who had been unhappy for years in the marriage.
I think they have to get to a place where they can give themselves their own approval, look in the mirror and be happy with who they are. Thats the whole journey. Just like telling someone they are beautiful will not make them feel beautiful even if they are a supermodel.
Mach, love that site. I found it googling her name and midlife crisis. Found her posts very insightful.
I am not sure if I have seen the resentment towards the kids, maybe its a different word I cannot explain? Like the radio off station when trying to relate to them?
I remember RCR. She is not from so long ago. Although time is relative I guess.
I will have to look it up.
Mach, I know this is not about me. I know this is about him. I just wish he knew it wasn't about me. Because I am done being the scapegoat for the world. I have severed ties with much of my own family over the years for that very reason. I look in the mirror and I know I am a good person, sure I have made mistakes, who hasn't? My life has been full of people just putting it all on my shoulders as to how what I did caused their behavior. So I don't know if that makes me feel any better about all of it. I don't know if it really matters. I am tired today. I think the weekend is finally hitting me. I just don't really care today if this is about him, me, or the man in the moon.
Anger is returning with H. Snide comment this morning to make me feel really stupid. I'm not stupid. At least not according to the IQ test I had as a kid. More like almost genius. Not that it makes any difference here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks SR. I just needed to vent a bit. The cycling just wears me out some days. I know each one brings more progress for H, but it always hits me hard at the beginning. Even though I know to expect it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
