Hey JR, From everything you write it sounds like you've got the right attitude. I agree that DBing is a test of one's willpower - no matter what the outcome - it's a test of one's determination to push through and improve oneself, no matter how any obstacles tumble from the mountain.
I'm sorry that you missed your S12's birthday. I know how hard that must have been - though I'm also certain that he felt the intensity of your love for him even with the distance.
I haven't heard from W since the divorce proceedings were dismissed last week. I called twice to talk with the boys and my w, but the phone kept ringing and ringing, so I just left a message twice. I decided to not call again for now. My W usually is good at calling back for the kids to talk with me, so I don't know what's going on or what to think of it. By this time I'm sure my W also knows about the dismissal of the D proceedings.
I decided to not read much into it and carry-on as I've been doing with GALing activities. Yesterday I went to the gym and spent the afternoon with a co-worker's family and had dinner with them. It was good to be with a family. I sure miss that atmosphere.
Today, I'll go back to the gym, work on the yard, and go to a church dinner to just be around people. I have to say I can't help it but thinking about my W and kids. I really want to call again, but I don't want to appear as if I was desperate, needy, or stalking my W if I repeatedly call. So I decided not to call. My W will eventually call to let me talk with the boys.
I have no idea. I just keep thinking positively and give my W the benefit of the doubt. I always try to never think ill of her and hope that there surely was a good reason why she couldn't answer her cell phone when I called twice on THU.
Anyway,when will all this end?...
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Called my W's cell phone today. She answered and I got to chat with one of my boys. Felt great. I also touched base with my W and asked her how she was doing with her school, health.I asked her about our oldest son's religious ceremony since he turned 12. I told her she could have her father officiate if it's too much of a hassle for me to come up because of the distance (900 miles). But she still wants me to do it for my son.
She never mentioned anything about the D proceedings being dismissed which means we are still married. I never raised the issue, and she never brought it up. I keep thinking she could easily tell me she still wants a D regardless and pursue it. But she never said anything.
In any case, I kept it all leveled and when she said she needed to go, I didn't insist and thanked her for taking the time to chat a bit. I sure would have liked to chat more, but it's a good thing I acted "as if" and didn't cling to the phone, although I failed to end the conversation first. But that's OK. I'll do better next time.
I know I should stop "wondering why", or reading minds. Don't assume. Don't ask why. Don't read into it. Don't guess. Don't interpret. The positive take-away is that my W took the time to chat, never brought the issue of D, and certainly didn't hang up on me. All positive points indeed. I did well.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Great to hear from you. I have to say I am blessed to have you, Carlos, and Veronica as my best sounding board. Thanks for the encouragement. I had a 4-day weekend(like you, right?)and did my best to stay somehow busy with yard work, college football, a couple of dinner invitations, church, and PT.
Do you really think I am thoughtful in not calling all the time? I didn't look at it that way. I just do my best to remember to give my W the space she wants. I hope she notices that. No idea.
Anyway, still holding on. I hope you are doing well Michelle. You always sound to be very much in control of your emotions.
Thanks again for the encouragement.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hey JR, Sounds like you kept busy this past weekend - that's great to hear - and a good way to be reminded of who you are outside of your own thoughts and emotions.
I agree with Michelle, you are being very thoughtful and considerate of your W's needs - and it shows a lot of love on your part - a healthy kind of love. Getting to that place of being lovingly detached is so hard - but it's just such a different place to be...and it yields a lot more calm understanding of what we have to do next...maybe not a better understanding of how and why things fell apart - but certainly a better sense of how and why we have to continue to push forward.
It's a good discipline to avoid the mind-reading and wondering why...sometimes I think that mind-reading is like trying to pinpoint a spot in a swirl of emotions and then responding to that spot as if it were indicative of the entire swirl...and that's just impossible.
From another perspective - I think if someone were to try to make sense of me based on stuff I say when emotionally twisted, they would come away with a very different impression of who I am when I'm not feeling so emotional, vulnerable and confused. I think the same goes for the people we love...which is why it's often best just listen to what they have to say - and then offer our love without expectations.
Called my W yesterday. Very pleasant conversation. We talked about the boys, her school, health as I always do. I really wanted to ask her about our R, but guarded myself from doing so. I figure when she is ready, maybe she'll approach the issue. I sounded upbeat and calm.
My W even volunteered info about her school, and managed to squeeze in some humor. It's been a long time since she shared humor over the phone. That was refreshing. She sent me an email a couple of days ago about our possible linkup for our oldest son's religious event. Brief email, but nice: she acknowledges me by my first name, and closes by writing "thank you" followed by her first name. There is an obvious softening in writing and over the phone. And no mention of the dismissed divorce proceedings.
I must keep on DBing. This time I ended the phone conversation first. I talked to my oldest son as well, and asked if our two other sons were already in bed. But I told my W nothing was pressant and there was no need to wake them up if they were already asleep. I just said I'd call back again to chat with them later.
Good phone conversation. Could my W be warming up? Time will only tell...
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I got off the phone with my wife this evening. Brief conversation. We'll link up this weekend so I can perform this religious event for our S12. My W worked out the paperwork so that's good news. Unfortunately it will be a very quick weekend for the both of us since we have to go back to work/school next MON. We live 900 miles apart and will meet half way, which really is still 600 mile-drive for me...10 hours...
Since the event will happen next SUN, I asked my W if I could have the boys SAT afternoon and evening for an overnighter. I told her I'd bring them back when we link up SUN morning for the religious event. My W said No. I asked her why not. She replied she also wanted to spend time with them other than at home. She said I could have 2 hrs with them.
I really bit my tongue and carefully weighed my reply over the phone. I thought I wasn't asking for much, just one night with the boys. Last time I saw them was 2 weeks in JUL. I just didn't understand the reasoning. I hesitated a bit in my response and my W said " So you wouldn't even take 2hrs for your boys?"
I kept my composure and calmly replied "sure, 20 min or 2 hrs is fine. No issues. It's better than no time at all. That sounds fine." I have to say I was really struggling with her decision. I just didn't understand why one overnighter would be such a big deal.
In the end, I am glad I didn't argue over it. Maybe some would say I should have. I thought maybe this was a test from my W, a test to see if my changes were consistent and durable. Maybe she noticed my reply and how I kept it "as if" and didn't fuss about it. I hope she did.
In any case, It bothered me. I'm not a criminal,I am a good father. But I am glad I reacted calmly. Total 180. The conversation was brief but ended calmly. That in itself is still a good encounter and a victory for DB skills. I did well.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hi JR, So glad you'll get to see your boys - though I'm sorry to hear that you won't get more time with them...that said, I think your response was fine - and a good sign for yourself of just how much you've changed. I think not making an issue of the time with your boys is good - and I think it's also a good thing to let your W think about what it would mean for them not to get to spend that time with you - if you say too much, it would save her the trouble of having to think about it some more - by not saying much, by being open and accepting, I think you allow for her to be more thoughtful as well - which is good for everyone involved.
I understand why it would bother you, though - since you are right, you are not a criminal, you are a good father - that's the tough part - when being a good father means responding to situations in a way that wouldn't have made sense to oneself just a few months or years before...
