Over the Shock and GALing 6

[gucci loafer]

She says "God your dad is F...ked up! He's such a .....", which leaves me saying / thinking "Back off!! that's my family you are talking about!!"

I understand and think it is a good approach. I struggle with agreeing with her.

Oh, I thought you wanted to solve the problem and have a better relationship with your wife. I guess agreeing with her so that she feels heard and understood would be going against your princieples huh?

I find it interesting to observe that you DO KNOW that your dad can be a jerk and is critical, but find it amazing that you just "struggle" with agreeing with her...

Ok. The way I have suggested WILL solve the problem between your wife and you. I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable having a problem solved.

A wise man makes it short and sweet...

Yes Honey, my dad is f....ked up. (get off the high horse of whether she is right or not.. WHO CARES? the issue is for you to learn how to respond to a woman that you love, not whether you HAVE to be right.)(screw being right, if your wife loves you more for being wrong on these types of issues)

You don't even need to go to your dad and say anything (your wife WILL be furious if you do that without first warning her)

When you OFFER to do it she will NOT want you to do it...

Agree.. offer to say something..

She will then tell you no, don't say anything to him

AND she will feel closer to you for understanding..

And I believe you DO understand how your dad is. Shame on you for allowing your wife to feel alone and that it is "her" against your family... Shame..

and here I thought you WANTED to make your relationship better.

[Coach]

I was brought up with "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"

But your Dad doesn't seem to really buy into that does he?

Gucci's saying the same thing I am in a different way.

[Thinker]

She says "God your dad is F...ked up! He's such a .....", which leaves me saying / thinking "Back off!! that's my family you are talking about!!"

I understand and think it is a good approach. I struggle with agreeing with her.

Oh, I thought you wanted to solve the problem and have a better relationship with your wife. I guess agreeing with her so that she feels heard and understood would be going against your princieples huh?

Thanks Gucci,

I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I agree with the approach you suggested. It is correct. I also agree with my wife that my Dad often acts like a jerk.

The struggle I was referring to is with the instinctive defensive reaction I have when she is vehemently attacking my family (and me by proxy??). I find it difficult to agree with her at in the heat of the discussion at that moment. My initial reaction is to fight back against her tone and her language rather than to agree with her statements. I'll solve that.

You are right, however. I have historically left her feeling alone in this. She only recently started voicing her emotions in this area, but it has apparently been building for a long time.

[Thinker]

I was brought up with "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"

But your Dad doesn't seem to really buy into that does he?

Example:

Thinkers Dad (Said to an empty room but loud enough that everyone can hear it) "God D@mn It!! one of the kids spilled milk in the kitchen!!"

Thought reaction of everyone in my family (including me): "There he goes again, bla bla bla, just calm down will you, they didn't do it to make you mad, and someone will clean it up."

Thought reaction of Mrs. Thinker "He's blaming this all on me. He's calling my kids unruly. He's saying I'm a bad mother"


Until recently, I thought she was just ignoring like I was. Now I know differently.

---

We don't need to keep the discussion going unless it is helping someone else. I understand what I need to do.

[antlers]

The issue is for you to learn how to respond to a woman that you love, not whether you HAVE to be right.)(screw being right, if your wife loves you more for being wrong on these types of issues)

This is pretty insightful stuff...thanks.

[SmileysPerson]

I have historically left her feeling alone in this. She only recently started voicing her emotions in this area, but it has apparently been building for a long time.

Hey, my brother-from-another-mother.... I've read this particular post a couple times now, and those two sentences above keep leaping out at me, as if written in neon.

Why do I find that to be an incredibly important development?

[Thinker]

I have historically left her feeling alone in this. She only recently started voicing her emotions in this area, but it has apparently been building for a long time.

Hey, my brother-from-another-mother.... I've read this particular post a couple times now, and those two sentences above keep leaping out at me, as if written in neon.

Why do I find that to be an incredibly important development?

Why? Because it is an incredibly important development - bigger than I ever would have thought...

to quote one of the many books I have read "The worst thing a man can do to a woman is to leave her alone"

First: Thank you to all for the 2x4s from yesterday. They prompted me to pick up a shovel and start digging into the relationship between my W and my parents, and what I have found so far has not been pretty. In fact, it is horrible.

Yesterday, I used the following example:

Example:

Thinkers Dad (Said to an empty room but loud enough that everyone can hear it) "God D@mn It!! one of the kids spilled milk in the kitchen!!"

Thought reaction of everyone in my family (including me): "There he goes again, bla bla bla, just calm down will you, they didn't do it to make you mad, and someone will clean it up."

Thought reaction of Mrs. Thinker "He's blaming this all on me. He's calling my kids unruly. He's saying I'm a bad mother"

Well guess what! Mrs. Thinker is right. That's exactly what he was saying.

What I am discovering (realizing??) is that for a very very long time, my parents have taken EVERYTHING that they don't like about me and things I am doing and blamed it on my wife.

We don't visit them at XMas, prefering to go elsewhere - it's obviously her fault.

They don't approve of the way I am raising my kids - it's obviously her influence.

They don't get a Thank-you for something they did for us - it's definitely because she is inconsiderate and not because I was supposed to send it and forgot.

They visit and aren't made to feel welcome enough - it's definitely because she does not like them, and not because I was a workaholic who couldn't bother to take time off of work while they were here.

on and on

and over time, they have been building it up in their minds to the point where I am their "perfect" son who has been (corrupted, influenced, taken advantage of, stolen, ...) by this horrible woman.

and they have been pointing their anger at her, and never said anything to me.

I never realized that my family was THAT dysfunctional!!

and I have been allowing it to happen by not actively standing up to them ("We are not coming to visit at XMAS because I don't want to") and by being clueless (in denial?) about what was going on.

F_ck!!

My poor wife.

I told her this morning that I now realized what was going on with my parents and her, that I agreed with her, and that I was ashamed that I had not seen it earlier and had let it go on, and that I was sorry for what my family had put her through.

She cried.

[Sara]

Wow! That is a huge breakthrough!

[Coach]

Good man! That will pay dividends.


Cheers

[Dia]

Wow, Thinker. Way to go. In particular, the text you put in blue? That could be describing me, my H and his mother. I get along just great with his father, but his mother thinks I am devil-spawn.