The only bet I'm making is on you. You go to the C even if he doesn't. Him not going would show you how serious he is about this. Right now you sound a little angry. Its understandable in the circumstances, but you will need to get beyond angry and work on your personal growth.
I would say the odds of you coming out a stronger, more confident woman are very high.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I think I'm more angry at myself. Why the he!! did I let myself be talked into this? Why did I listen to him? Why did I give up? I knew better, but I was scared and weak. About two summers ago, I went into a wild period and I still can't believe what I did. I realize now that it was an attention-getter for H, trying to shake him up: "want me to f*** around? OK- I'll give you f***ing around..." Well, that backfired- he enjoyed it, and I looked like a two-bit tramp. By the end of things this winter, I felt like a hooker who was too stupid to charge, and he still wanted me to keep going. I had enough- I have more respect for myself than this. If I want cheap sex, I know where to get it, but I sure like it a lot better when there's a connection. Too bad that's not with H anymore- his loss. I'm not scared and weak anymore. OK, maybe a little scared, but I can deal with it this time around.
Well, we talked last night. And just as I expected, it went the same way it always has before. Nothing is resolved, he dumped it all on me again- my insecurities. I don’t get it- Am I really that bad? I feel fine, happy and well-adjusted. He makes it sound like I can’t function in life, like I’m a scared little girl, afraid to leave safety of the house. He asked if I was a different person at work because he sees me have the “deer in the headlights” look pretty damn often. And he mentioned that he can’t give me constructive criticism without me getting defensive or “lashing out”. I’m not a screamer, so I guess he must mean when I point out to him when I think he’s off-base. There are times, he says, when he’s given up on trying to “help” me.
And the swinging issue- I brought that up to start things off and he changed the subject and delved right into medication/insecurities. We came back to the subject later and he just can’t let that go, he enjoys it too much. And not just for the sex- he enjoys the sexy, naughty atmosphere at the clubs and the whole taboo, going against societal norms part of it. He reiterated how much better our sex is after we’ve been with someone else- it breaks up the rut and re-energizes things. The thrill of chasing and catching someone new makes life exciting. And yes, my issues with it are because of my insecurities. I told him I felt like a free hooker, and evidently that’s just because of my bad attitude.
He mentions the medication again. He feels that everything that’s wrong with me (not wanting to swing, not being a social butterfly, being too nice to people, unnecessary worry, etc) can be traced back to my insecurities. I can’t reconcile that in my mind- I am a quiet person, and I do worry too much probably, but I feel like I lead a full life. I thought I was a reasonably happy person. I’ve been involved with band and show choir booster groups at the HS, I worked my way up to green belt in karate (stopped when I started having knee problems), I’m a productive member of my office… I don’t understand.
I admitted my role in the breakdown- I know I should have spoken up more and made myself more known. That’s something I’m always going to have to work on. Then I said “You’ve put a lot of this on me, do you think you’ve had any role in the breakdown?” He replies with “I’m sure I’ve probably done something” and just that hangs… “Umm, ok, such as…?? Maybe being unapproachable?” “No, I don’t think that’s accurate…” and proceeds to tell me why. Ok- I’m wrong again.
He closes with that it’s been established for the last 20 years that he has an insatiable sex drive, and that I knew with-holding sex would be the one thing to really hurt him.
OK, fine- I’m just wrong. Everything is my fault. If I was just more outgoing, more social, more fun, more aggressive, having wild monkey sex at the clubs, everything would be just hunky-dory. I didn’t hear one thing about my hurts, my pain, just his frustrations and hurt, and when I tried to bring them up either they don’t count, they don’t exist, or it’s just my issue.
Don't spend energy hating him. Use those resources to love yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
One of you is certainly a bit maladjusted. It's just that I don't think it's you!
I think it is bothering him a lot that he isn't able to manipulate you this time. So of course, it is all your fault. And certainly, you must need mediation! Bunny, you are not the one with a problem!
I will stick to my previous advice. Get that apartment, and get out. If he wants to change, he can have a chance, and pigs might fly, etc. He can rationalize, and justify all he wants, but the life he wants to live isn't one you have to sign up for.
I agree with VH. He is hopeless. He is a selfish, narcisstic jerk that is blaming everything on you. He is not strong enough to look within. You are. You deserve to be with someone stronger that is willing and ABLE to do THE WORK.
I dont see him ever changing. This wild and exciting guy that you hooked up with just a USER and ABUSER. He's like the friend you knew in high school that hasn't changed a bit 10 years later.
I agree. Work on you. Go to counseling for you. Dont listen to anything that pig has to say. YOU CANT RATIONALIZE WITH IRRATIONAL PEOPLE!!! He doesnt get it and I doubt he ever can or will. You are just noticing it more now because you have been WORKING and CHANGING.
Get your apartment and get out of there!!! Start loving yourself again...
Well, we talked last night. And just as I expected, it went the same way it always has before. Nothing is resolved, he dumped it all on me again- my insecurities. I don’t get it- Am I really that bad? I feel fine, happy and well-adjusted. He makes it sound like I can’t function in life, like I’m a scared little girl, afraid to leave safety of the house. He asked if I was a different person at work because he sees me have the “deer in the headlights” look pretty damn often. And he mentioned that he can’t give me constructive criticism without me getting defensive or “lashing out”. I’m not a screamer, so I guess he must mean when I point out to him when I think he’s off-base. There are times, he says, when he’s given up on trying to “help” me.
This is CLASSIC, textbook, narcissistic emotional abuse. You are not insecure, bunny, you are normal. In fact, you're pretty strong to be on as good of footing as you are right now.
I just don't like how he's just so damn sure of himself when he's talking. I don't like being lectured by him or talked down to. I don't like him acting like he knows everything. I don't like that he thinks I still "owe" him- he felt hurt and frustrated before, so it been payback time the last several years. If I point out where I think he's wrong, I'm "lashing out" and defensive. I'm just supposed to sit there and take it, and then he wonders why I'm not saying anything.
Of course you don't. No one likes being manipulated especially by someone as nacissistic as him. That is why setting BOUNDARIES are so important. You need to know that this is his problem. You CANT HELP/CHANGE him ONLY her can do that.
Just focus on making you happy. If you dont... who will??? HIM??
Im guessing that's one of things that attracted him to you in the first place. His confident, assertive attitude. Now you see that a lot of that comes from SELFISHNESS.
Has he ever been caring or thoughtful of your feelings???
SB, If you set aside the swinging for a moment and just think about his behavior, it becomes pretty obvious that he is projecting a lot of his issues and disowned desires onto you. Though I didn't have all of the attending circumstances in my situation, the dialog was similar - in that my STBX would simply expect, no, demand, that I sit and listen to her barrage me with one insult and evaluation after another. Her method was/is to convince me that I had anger issues and that I was an angry person - my mistake, at least initially, was to follow the lead of loving her and believing that since I loved this woman I should be considerate of anything and everything that she would say to me...it was a brutal mistake that cost me a lot of self esteem and self respect.
Like your H, my STBX had to project her fears and issues onto me in order to justify herself. Putting the fault in the partner is a way of avoiding responsibility - and it's also a way of keeping you off center. The more you think about what he says and the more you question yourself, the more you play into the dynamic that he created for you.
Should you decide to leave that dynamic it will be brutally difficult - in fact, it will likely be devastating at times - and sometimes I think it's the fear of that unfamiliar pain that keeps us in a familiar painful relationship for far too long.
Talking will not solve your situation - finding yourself and strengthening yourself should be your priority. That way you'll be there for your children and you won't find yourself being so susceptible to the whims and confused projections of an unhealthy partner.
Personally, I think MC is not a good idea in your situation. Abusive partners can be very convincing in front of a therapist - and if you've played into what he has said for a long time he would likely find dozens of creative ways to reinterpret your shared memories to satisfy his understanding of things. A good therapist will catch it...though sometimes even a good therapist can be blinded by his or her own issues...and not see things that should be very obvious...(this is what happened to me...)
Work on you - stop playing into his mind games - and you'll find more peace for yourself. You are in an abusive relationship - and if you're not careful, he can continue to use your own goodness of heart to manipulate you.
