Well, I cried a lot. By the time she got home, I was just sitting quitely / dozing in my little room here. She asked me if I wanted to watch TV.
She said that she's not sure how to be around me, one day I'm accusing her and angry, the next day I'm sitting next to her watching TV. She said that she freaked out at the though of moving out, can't envision a scenarion where we're not all living in the same house together. She said that the checking account thing shook her, that she felt that I didn't trust her, which blindsided her I guess. She was tearful but didn't fully cry.
She said there are so many reasons to stay but they're not the right reasons. (??)
So - this isn't good DBing guys, I know, you can whack me. I JUST DON"T KNOW how it broach this "intimacy" thing. I asked her if I could put my arm around her, she said no. So I took my feet again (i know guys), and rubbed them, then I stroked her hair for awhile. Both of these things she was relucant to accept, then she said "I should tell you how much I like this."
See, I KNOW she likes it. I don't want to pursue or challange her boundaries, but in terms of connecting with her - I need more tools.
She also said earlier in the evening that she's be open to counciling but we'd want different things out of it - she'd want closure, not reconciliation. I don't know how that works, going to C with different goals.
Maybe I will bring up Retroville.
OK have to get ready for work. I feel like my work life is falling apart at this point. At some point taking care of me needs to include taking care of my career. Didn't sleep well again. Dumb dog threw up in the bed, then woke up again later and didn't go back to sleep. I'm so ready to feel normal again.
