Keep in mind this: Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. He’s going to make you the bad guy every chance he gets. If you are the bad guy, then no one will blame him for leaving you.
This distresses me a bit. He's maintained all along that he still loves me but thinks he might be happier alone. He says I don't trust him and he's not sure he can live with that. But he also said losing me would be like cutting out his heart with a butter knife. If I can't believe ANY of that, then I have no hope.
As far as actions go, he hasn't really taken any. He has searched for apartments online, but as far as I know, he hasn't actually contacted a leasing office or looked at anything in person. Of course, he may have and I just don't know about it. He is supposed to be looking for a new job (part of the unhappiness thing--burned out at current job), but I can't tell he's doing that either. About the only step he has actually taken in that direction, is getting a passport so he can apply for civilian contractor jobs overseas (he thinks the time and distance would do us good). I don't think he has actually applied for anything or sent in a resume though.
Funny thing, I felt like I was starting to detach back in July. I began to envision a life without him and even look forward to it. But then, it was like one morning, I woke up and I'm right back here again. I'm trying to get back to the detached mindset, but haven't made it yet. It seems to cycle for me.
It's hard when they cycle too. As you start to detach, they seem to come back around...which makes you start to come back around. It's a horrible cycle.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
LOL! It's all very confusing for sure and the problem is that you're letting him drive. Why would you let the most emotionally challenged person in the relationship drive it? Kick him out of the seat.
He says he still loves you. He does.
Actions and lack of actions are what you are looking for/at.
He has not moved out. May never. He is not looking for new jobs. He may never. He got a passport....so what, I have one too and it's dusty.
You just need to duck here and take cover. What are you doing for you? What's your GALing?
You can NOT control him. You can only control you. So do things that make you happy. I know I know, doing things with him make you happy, right? Good, it should. But for now he may not want to. So how do you get him to change, since you can't really control him? Simple. You go out and do things for you that are fun and beneficial. Invite him but make it clear, you're going with or without him. Whether he's there or not does not change your plans.
I have another friend here where I live who DBed her divorce too. But she had no idea that's what she was doing, it was just instinct for her. She detached, she was loving during certain parts and a hard ass about other things. She said one thing she did, at first unknowingly, was she basically ignored him whenever he would act or talk about D or separating. She gave it the same attention she would give a child having a temper tantrum. She said eventually he knocked it all off.
I learned from her that they feed off of our reactions too.
LOL! It's all very confusing for sure and the problem is that you're letting him drive. Why would you let the most emotionally challenged person in the relationship drive it? Kick him out of the seat.
I'm feeling rather emotionally challenged myself!
But you're right. I need to stop letting my mood/feelings be dictated by his. I've done this through the history of our relationship. I can have a great day up until I get home and if he's in a bad mood, it all goes to hell. On the other hand, the worst day at work suddenly becomes a good day if I come home and he's in a good mood (rare, unfortunately). It never seems to go the other way. I can't cheer him up if I'm in a good mood and he's not and I can't bring him down if he's in a good mood and I'm not.
that's what I'm saying...my H can be in a bad mood now and I really just don't care. I'll avoid him if STRONGER feels like it, not the other way around. I'll talk to him about whatever I want (but not R talks) and he'll just have to sit there and listen or chime in, whatever.
that's what I'm saying...my H can be in a bad mood now and I really just don't care. I'll avoid him if STRONGER feels like it, not the other way around. I'll talk to him about whatever I want (but not R talks) and he'll just have to sit there and listen or chime in, whatever.
H's moods no longer dictate mine. Simple.
I'm doing that outwardly, but the constant worry is still tearing me up inside.
I'm doing that outwardly, but the constant worry is still tearing me up inside.
Roger that Stavy-H. I'm right there with you. If we hang in there it's going to get easier and better!!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
It's hard, I know. There was a time I was reacting to his moods and it just didn't help. What happened for me was I finally just got tired.
And don't get me wrong, H will do things that make my brain go into overdrive, he just doesn't know and it doesn't make me sick as much as I'm now just curious.
I'm barely holding it together today. Don't know why the last few days have been so hard for me. There's nothing I can put my finger on. I keep questioning myself and trying to figure out how/why I didn't see this mess coming. How could I have prevented it? If I'd done this or that little thing differently 3 years ago, would we be here now? Things like that.
I had my second DB coaching session with Dotty last night. I felt better afterward, but now I feel like it might have been wasted. I think it was too soon after the first call--like I'm being impatient. I only have 1 call left and I can't afford more. I'd better make it count!
There were days in the beginning when I couldn't see straight. Not sure what was the exact trigger, but I understand. You just feel crappy.
What did Dotty tell you? And no, it's not too soon to have spoken with Dotty again, otherwise, she would have recommended a time frame before speaking again. Trust her, they've all been doing this for a while.
Things are going to be ok. You just can't panic because then you react to the panic, then do and say stupid crap. So just relax.
Think this way: How would I be today if I knew this was all going to work out well? How would I act? How would I interact with H? Figure that out and go with it.
Be confident. It really does only take one person committed to saving the marriage to save it.
