Just want my H back

[hhh]

Thanks guys for the vote of confidence. I get yet another text this morning asking what my schedule is like this week. He clearly wants to talk...since he's now back on the east coast I think he wants to come get his remaining furniture, or have 'the talk'.. but trying not to jump to conclusions. will go out for a run to clear my head before i call him later.

it's weird how no contact for weeks and then when he wants to talk he's very persistent about it. why does he think i will just drop everything when he wants to talk, yet not answer me for weeks in the past when i wanted to communicate? and then if i set boundaries or say i'm busy, he gets kinda nasty. typical wWAS behavior, i guess.

well i'll see what he wants later...a tad nervous but trying to stay strong. I can do this (I hope!)

Thanks
-hhh

[Stronger]

Then maybe say that to him....I'm sorry I've been busy. I have never asked you to drop everything to adhere to my schedule. With that, when are you available and I'll let you know when our schedules match up and I will call you.

Then he can stick it in his pipe....

[pearlharbr]

You're definitely making progress!

it's weird how no contact for weeks and then when he wants to talk he's very persistent about it. why does he think i will just drop everything when he wants to talk, yet not answer me for weeks in the past when i wanted to communicate? and then if i set boundaries or say i'm busy, he gets kinda nasty.

Exactly. Remember this behavior. You're right, you don't have to be on his timeline.

I would give an even shorter reply than Stronger's version: Sorry I missed your call, I've been really busy. What did you want to discuss?

So it's time to act as if...I would recommend you act as if you are in charge and you know you are going to be fine no matter what happens.

What she said.

[hhh]

Well we talked. It was the "talk" i was dreading...he brought it up, not me. After a bit of small talk, and then pressing when I was moving to NY (I told him I did not want to move to NY, had decided to stay put for time being then likely move to CA end of year), he said, "well, how should we go about this?"

Said several times he was done, doesn't want to be married to me anymore, wants clean break and to move on. This is where I played my final card of the retrov. retreat...validating everything he said and that I understood where he was coming from but that i 'wanted to be as sure about this as you are'...be able to communicate better in this process, and have some healing and closure. I positioned it only as a way to do this versus as a way to save our marriage. He definitely shot that down. Maybe I shouldn't have but quite honestly I don't think it would make a difference.. I am sure his mind is made up and nothing can change it.

I am drained and kind of tired of fighting this in a way...I think I've done all I can and I think he's running away from problems rather than facing them head on.

I don't like that he kept probing when I was going to be back, what to do w stuff in our apt, etc..he moved out -why does he care? I think he just wants me back east to sign papers and so he can get his stuff.

Then he asked me: "so are you not going to file?" DUH?! No i'm not going to...he's the one that wants it. I replied in DB fashion: "do what you need to do...you know I don;t want this but I can't stop you" Frankly, it's not going to make a difference at this point. This marriage is all but done..I think I've tried everything to back off, let him do his own thing, validate, be honest w my feelings. He does not want to be married anymore, period.

I am a bit numb right now I think. Thank goodness I am not alone...and I do feel stronger than I did 4-5 months ago when this initially hit. But every 'hit' where he brings up D feels like heartbreak all over again...that's why I'm starting to want to get this over so I can formally mourn and heal and move on.

Nonetheless I am NOT initiating anything w paperwork...and what I get I will definitely show to a lawyer. He kept saying 'so you refuse to sign the mutual form?' (i guess it's a lot easier and cheaper to do that versus no-fault divorce).

So I either let him do no fault (and it's potentially nasty, but burden is on him), or I agree to sign mutual forms to have a friendly parting, lower cost overall and easier/quicker, i guess.

Argh - i still dont want this but I am realizing there is nothing more I can do. He's not the person I married right now anyway.

Thanks all for helping me through this.
-hhh

[overwhelmed35]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you sound (for lack of a better term) strong. You sound like you might be working on a plan for life after.

[GoBison]

I got the same talk from my W last week. She even brought the paperwork with after not seeing each other for two months. I let her know that the L's would handle everything and I wouldn't look at the paperwork. I too still want my M to work but am facing the facts that she will probably file this week or next. I am going to let her do all the work. It may cost more in the end but the whole thing is more of my stand and about the only thing I have had any sort of say in over the past few months. Some come out of it when they don't get off so easily and they finally realize what they are doing. Best of luck. The next day was worse for me than after the talk.

[Stronger]

Look, my H and I both have Ls. He even filed. But we're dating again now. Please don't give up hope. If you want this then make it clear you are not going to help him with D. He can do because you can't stop him, but no, you aren't going to go along with this.

In your answer, should he file, tell him you want everything you can get because of marital misconduct or whatever. Ask for counseling that you never received because you believe things could be worked on. Ask that he pay all your lawyer fees. Stall for time.

But I do understand wanting to move on too to heal and mourn and end it. I'll support you in whatever decision you make.

[hhh]

Well this morning I think it's hitting me a bit more..it is really over, just a matter of time. I don't think anything more I can do but truly move on, and yet I'm not going to help him file. I guess I should just try to be friends w him. I am mourning the past and the future we thought we'd had together...and part of me also turned off by who he is now.

I think the idea that he will wake up and see things differently down the road is not going to happen...I can tell in his tone he really doesn't have feelings for me in that way anymore. It's finally sunk in I guess that I really can't control him, what he feels, his behavior, anything.

I am going to get a massage this weekend and spend time w friends. At least I work from home when I'm not traveling b/c my face is a bit read and puffy today...didn't sleep a whole lot last night.

I've certainly learned a lot throughout this experience...sad b/c I've become more like the wife he wanted (and do feel more for myself like my old self again) and now he could care less. Changes for me I know, but I think it's so sad that he's just walking away without any trying, counseling, healing, whatever.

Says he cares about me and wants me to be happy...if so he'd do Retrovaille to have healing and let go of the past, but he doesn't want to put himself through it...I think he's thinking just of himself and his new ego and everything. I feel like I helped him in some ways get where he is today and now he just tosses me aside. Sad stuff. He told me a few months ago he doesnt feel like he's 32 he feels like he's 24...like he can do anything he wants, world is his oyester, wants to go out and party.

Believe me, if he came back tomorrow and wanted to work on things I'd be overjoyed...but I it's over and I need to move on. Moments I feel accepting of situation, others pissed and in denial... there is still a little piece of me that fantasizes about him coming back, but I need to stop doing that, he is gone.

[hhh]

One other thing..he said last night "well we've gotta figure out what to do w stuff in the apt.." interesting b/c months ago he told me he didn't want anything, I could have everything (I bought most all of it). He seems eager for me to move too. I'm afraid he might take a nasty turn and start insisting on things...he moved out, what right does he have to stuff? (Not that I want all of it anyway, but he can't just prance in and decide he wants half our furniture at this point!)

[RedSoxFan]

[quote=hhh]Thanks guys for the vote of confidence. I get yet another text this morning asking what my schedule is like this week. He clearly wants to talk...since he's now back on the east coast I think he wants to come get his remaining furniture, or have 'the talk'.. but trying not to jump to conclusions. will go out for a run to clear my head before i call him later.

it's weird how no contact for weeks and then when he wants to talk he's very persistent about it. why does he think i will just drop everything when he wants to talk, yet not answer me for weeks in the past when i wanted to communicate? and then if i set boundaries or say i'm busy, he gets kinda nasty. typical wWAS behavior, i guess./quote]
You can definitely do this! Don't jump to conclusions and no mind reading. You're a busy person with a schedule and a life. Busy people send short text messages. How about:

Very busy week. What's up?