I think he's wondering if you're badmouthing him. In the "all about H" world his big concern is probably what you're saying about him to other people. Since he knows he's in the wrong, even if he will never admit it.
I agree with breakaway. Plus, since he's the center of the universe, he probably expects that you are falling apart and are asking his friends about him.
Good luck with the apt hunt.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I finally have an apartment lined up. I decided it was better to be sure I had a place to go because who knows when my H will return. He probably doesn't even know.
I have been avoiding the 'crowd' that my H and I often hang with. I don't want to say I'm leaving him, but I'm not sure what my approach should be like to questions, "How's H?" Any thoughts about what I want to project here, and what to avoid?
Wow.. big step finding an apartment. I hope you can find peace in the process.. taking time to grieve & be gentle with yourself during this is very important. It is an emotional time in acknowledging the loss.
In my experience, avoiding this topic (marital problems & why) with friends so they didn't feel 'put in the middle' just kept me from having their support.
If it's that you don't want them to know you've left before H does.. that is understandable and I'd steer the conversastion away from that particular piece..
but I'd be also honest with the fact that there have been ongoing problems, HE hasn't contacted you and HE was not comfortable with you coming to Europe so you made the choice to stay home.
Keeping my silence as to why I left the R is probably one of the biggest mistakes I made in leaving. It only left his perspective with our friends and sadly, only a few sought me out for mine.
I sure wouldn't leave them with the impression all is well.. because when H comes back & shares with them that you left, they will look back on time & wonder why you didn't at least share there were issues when you saw them while he was gone.
Just my perspective based on my experience. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I received an email from H. very businesslike tone. "I hope you and the dogs are fine".
He had some specific financial questions. He told me where he is staying. (no phone # though).
He said he had seen a doctor there who is treating him for some already existing problems. He said the doctor wants to follow up in a week so he may be staying in Europe longer than anticipated. He also was not sure if he would be going to a certain event in the U.S. in early October.
He signed the email - "thanks". This is the first communication between us in 2 weeks.
How do I respond. gucci? Do I match his businesslike tone?
I will answer the specific questions of course. Should I inquire if he became ill over there? and say "I hope the medical treatments help you feel better."
Do I say "everything is going great here"?
Should I ask him to let me know as soon as he can when he anticipates returning? I really would like to know so I can plan my move. If he were to stay another month or so, I don't want to move out entirely. As long as he is gone, I prefer to be in the house and with the dogs.
I don't want to tell him I'm moving yet, but I don't want him to get the impression I am anxious for his return. Maybe I could say I want to plan a getaway, and I could arrange for a dogsitter, but if he is back, that would be better for the dogs, of course.
Sounds pretty good, you have relayed the information he needs, been sympathetic but not enquiring into his health problems and not asked when he is coming back! Well done as I know how hard it is not to want to ask more than is required whilst DB'ing.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Your response to his email was good. You don't want to like you are pursuing or anything so it was best not to ask about when he is coming back.
I think you did well, I know it would have been very hard not to say more to him, but it gets easier with time trust me. I have learn't the hard way as I think most of us here have, that the less you say the better.
I will keep checking back on you, just hang in there. I really need to go and read your sitch from the start too so will do that today.
Next time wait at least a day to respond. You don't want to look like you're sitting around waiting for his communication. And you're not because you're out GAL, right?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks for the feedback ladies. Good point about waiting to reply, Pearl. I will remember that in the future. (Although, it was in my best financial interest to reply to this one asap. He might have done something detrimental to me if I hadn't. That trumps giving him the gucci.)
I received a very drunken rely from him written about 3:00 a.m. his time. I hadn't realized one could slur their speech when typing. It looked like his fingers kept sliding off the keys and the Caps Lock key was going on and off at random.
He wrote some stuff about his evening (yawn) and then expressed effusive thanks for the info. This email he signed "love", which I take to mean only "I am in that stage of drunkeness where I love everybody and I love the smart money move you made."
