Well, we talked last night. And just as I expected, it went the same way it always has before. Nothing is resolved, he dumped it all on me again- my insecurities. I don’t get it- Am I really that bad? I feel fine, happy and well-adjusted. He makes it sound like I can’t function in life, like I’m a scared little girl, afraid to leave safety of the house. He asked if I was a different person at work because he sees me have the “deer in the headlights” look pretty damn often. And he mentioned that he can’t give me constructive criticism without me getting defensive or “lashing out”. I’m not a screamer, so I guess he must mean when I point out to him when I think he’s off-base. There are times, he says, when he’s given up on trying to “help” me.
And the swinging issue- I brought that up to start things off and he changed the subject and delved right into medication/insecurities. We came back to the subject later and he just can’t let that go, he enjoys it too much. And not just for the sex- he enjoys the sexy, naughty atmosphere at the clubs and the whole taboo, going against societal norms part of it. He reiterated how much better our sex is after we’ve been with someone else- it breaks up the rut and re-energizes things. The thrill of chasing and catching someone new makes life exciting. And yes, my issues with it are because of my insecurities. I told him I felt like a free hooker, and evidently that’s just because of my bad attitude.
He mentions the medication again. He feels that everything that’s wrong with me (not wanting to swing, not being a social butterfly, being too nice to people, unnecessary worry, etc) can be traced back to my insecurities. I can’t reconcile that in my mind- I am a quiet person, and I do worry too much probably, but I feel like I lead a full life. I thought I was a reasonably happy person. I’ve been involved with band and show choir booster groups at the HS, I worked my way up to green belt in karate (stopped when I started having knee problems), I’m a productive member of my office… I don’t understand.
I admitted my role in the breakdown- I know I should have spoken up more and made myself more known. That’s something I’m always going to have to work on. Then I said “You’ve put a lot of this on me, do you think you’ve had any role in the breakdown?” He replies with “I’m sure I’ve probably done something” and just that hangs… “Umm, ok, such as…?? Maybe being unapproachable?” “No, I don’t think that’s accurate…” and proceeds to tell me why. Ok- I’m wrong again.
He closes with that it’s been established for the last 20 years that he has an insatiable sex drive, and that I knew with-holding sex would be the one thing to really hurt him.
OK, fine- I’m just wrong. Everything is my fault. If I was just more outgoing, more social, more fun, more aggressive, having wild monkey sex at the clubs, everything would be just hunky-dory. I didn’t hear one thing about my hurts, my pain, just his frustrations and hurt, and when I tried to bring them up either they don’t count, they don’t exist, or it’s just my issue.
