Magnificent

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish,
Wow, your thread is on page 54 !!??
Could Marc have just binned the meds and not wanted to take them as an act of rebellion or something? Or did they get stolen you think? I cant believe Gabe would steal his own sons meds and it would be pretty worrying if the 8 year old had done !??? Sounds like you had a good few days off.. I love reading too.
Al xxx

[MichelleLT]

In Marc's case, the meds obviously work and he's on the correct dosage.

In my cousin's case, she didn't need them. Sounds like dday's kid also didn't need them.

The pharmaceutical companies are only in it for the money, but sometimes they do help.

Scientific American recently published an article linking autism, schizophrenia, clinical OCD, etc to vaccines, including the flu vaccine!

They recommended 100% that when you are pregnant you NOT take ANY vaccines.

They also recommend pushing back the vaccine schedule for small children. Especially if you are breast-feeding, they are getting antibodies and do not need vaccines.

[mishka422]

I have read all of that too. Marc is Asperger's (a mild type of autism) but has ADHD as well. Some of that is exacerbated by the Asperger's so it's a crazy cycle.

At one point Marc's psych had him on 4 different meds but I have gotten him reduced to just one now. the others were making some things worse and his pcp and I decided it would be best to remove those. His moods have improved quite a bit since then.

Like I said, I would hate to think that Gabe is taking Marc's meds but I'm seriously concerned that her son might have gotten hold of them. These are seriously strong drugs that could do horrible damage to an 8 year old at the dosage Marc is at. I'm concerned.

Marc didn't toss it. He knows how important it is for him to take them and knows how he feels without them. He was thankful that I gave him one of the 'boosters' when he got home. We'll see what happens next time.....if there is a next time. Marc wasn't too thrilled with this last visit.

gotta run to karate.....be back later!

[mishka422]

Went to C today. Still haven't been able to talk about the money issue, but I'm working on it.

She has been helping me work through self-esteem issues. It's going to be a VERY LONG road. Today we talked about my tendency to take the blame for other's choices. I hadn't realized I had been doing that until she asked me some questions about how Gabe and I argued. I told her we never did. We're both non-confrontational which I know doesn't make for good communication. I used to be more open but after a few times in the first 3-5 years of our M when I made my feeling known about something that really bothered me I was basically told that I 'shouldn't' feel that way. When I pushed further trying to get him to open up to me he would walk away. He wouldn't talk about anything that made him uncomfortable and that is the way it was. I learned very fast to shut down and not to express feelings of hurt or anger or frustration. She asked me to give an example and one incident came to mind that brought me to my knees. I hurt so badly because it happened about 3 months before he left. He was deep in his A at that point, unknown to me of course, and I broke down in bed crying one night after an especially hard day with Marc. I admitted to him that I was terrified that Marc will never be able to live on his own and take care of himself. He dismissed me entirely and when I pushed he became extremely angry, told me to shut the heck up and that I was blowing everything completely out of proportion. That was very out of character for him to yell. He never even spoke loudly to me. He grew up in a verbally and physically abusive home and was terrified of raised voices. It stunned me into silence but after that I remember feeling him slip further and further out of our lives. The C had some very interesting things to say about Gabe not feeling like much of a man because he didn't 'produce the perfect son'. That a lot of men feel like failures if their children aren't 'normal'. Good God! She's so right! His interactions with Marc have been very controlling most of Marc's life. It's like Gabe is trying to 'fix' him when it's nothing that can be fixed! Of course, being in the thick of it I couldn't see it, or wouldn't.

This realization did help me to take some of the blame off my own shoulders and look at all the varying possibilities outside of our R that are probably contributing factors. I'm not delusional, I know I bear responsibility. I was too wrapped up in trying to take care of everyone but my H because he was the one person in my life that could take care of himself as far as I was concerned. I know that wasn't right, but it's too late now to fix anything.

Knowing and accepting are two totally different things though. I wonder how many years it will take me to accept the reality of the failure I perpetuated. I won't take responsibility for his choice to leave anymore, that I understand.

Another thing she brought up that has be really confused is this: She said that it could have been that no matter how many things I tried to change, how desperately I worked to win his approval, or how much I bent to do what I thought he wanted, he still may have made the same choice and that it is most important to be who we truly are and hope that those who love us are willing to accept that. If they aren't, then they didn't love the real us. WTH does that mean? What if who I really am is so offputting to everyone around me that they run in the opposite direction? I have a sick feeling that is true. How can anyone else like the person I truly am if I don't?

She asked me about negative self-talk. Oh boy...I have TONS of that! I told her the worst time of every day for me is while I'm blow-drying my hair. As stupid as that sounds, it becomes torture. Maybe it's because I'm stuck looking in the mirror for that time. I avoid mirrors for the entire day except then. I can't very well get my hair to look acceptible if I don't look! I find that my mind starts working against me. She asked what I am telling myself. I couldn't even say most of the words to her because I was so ashamed. What are those words? Monstrous, hideous, beastly, stupid, naive, foolish, gullible. Great words for the PMA, right? I've tried the mental stop signs. Doesn't work. I've tried telling myself that I'm smart, acceptable, loving, caring.....it all sounds so ridiculous that I can't even get the words to sound in my head let alone say them outloud. Just typing them here I've had to do some deep concentration to get my fingers to even type things like that. None of it is believeable. Why is that? It's illogical. I know I'm not pretty but for heavens sakes I know I'm not a total beast either. There is a corner of my mind though that believes that is why he left. Because of what I look like. There is another part of that stupid brain that says that he left because I'm a terrible mother. Oh yea....and he's father of the freakin' year? NOT! Another says that he left because we didn't have sex often enough. That is true actually but he could have had all he ever wanted if he had only been loving and kind sometimes. Passionate. Wooed me at all! I asked for him to, over and over and his response was always the same, "I don't have to do that anymore. I already got you." It was such a slap in the face that it made me not want to make love to him because it just wasn't that. It was just sex. I needed more. He wasn't willing to give me that but when he walked that was one of his chief reasons. Yea great......

OMG! I'm so sorry I have gone on and on about this. How horrifying! I'm half tempted to erase it all but I'm leaving here for myself to come back and read. I will apologize now to anyone who read all of that. Just getting some of this out of my system and my paper journal is full. Sorry guys!

[BobbiJo]

Seriously you are sorry!?!

You are doing some self-reflection, which is awesome! I am so glad the counselor gave you a lot to think about.

I think you are partly right about needing to accept yourself first. I do believe that there are a lot of people out there who love you regardless, even if you don't love yourself. But it is so key that you learn to love and accept yourself as you are. Because that will help you to be strong enough not to settle for anyone who doesn't also accept you as you are.

On that note, I think she is right about that. A BIG essay at Retro was on the topic of "Do I see the 'real' you?" re. our spouse. And the follow up questions was, "Once I have seen the real you, do I accept you?" My answer was yes and my h's was "I don't know if I can accept you as you are". Hello, red flag!

If you have to change for someone, then you aren't being the person you really are. I mean of course, there are things we can all do to change that just make us better in general. Like trying to be more organized since I am not organized at home. But in the big picture, you have to be comfortable with who you are and not try to be something else to make other people like you. It is what you probably taught Marc when he went off to school and wanted to make friends. But we don't always apply it to ourselves...

Take care Mish.

[dday101798]

Mish, NO NEED to apologize for anything.

It sounds as if your C is starting to get you going in a more positive direction.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((mishka))))))

I'm glad you didn't erase that! It's good that you are working through that. You've been letting your negative self image hold you down for a long time, I'm glad to see you getting help to work through it, painful as it may be. As a little motivation, getting through this is going to make you a better example, and a better mother for Marc. I know how important that is to you.

And, mishka, virtual and real world evidence suggests that you picture of yourself isn't accurate, either! You've got lots of friends here, who think you have a lot to offer. And don't tell me we are not real.... because we are! Actually, I think in a lot of ways we know you better than real life people, you know? And, closer to home, CG clearly chooses to talk to you, and spend time with you. Don't hit the "yes, but" button. he chooses to do it. It may be that it's "just as a friend", but you know, there's no such thing as "just a friend". A friend is a big thing, there's no "just" to it!

You keep seeing that C! Some days it may be really hard, you may hate it. But when you come out the other side, you are going to be so much better prepared to take on the world, to care for MArc and your mother, and most importantly, yourself!

Hugs, mish!

[mishka422]

Actually, I think in a lot of ways we know you better than real life people, you know?

Jeff, you don't know just how correct you are! All of you here have read things about me that I don't tell any of my closest RL friends. My family has NO IDEA about my self-image problems or the realities of my past. I couldn't bear to see the look on their faces if they did. Hopefully, through all of this C, I will be able to present a better face to those around me and actually believe half of what I now fake. That would be a HUGE triumph for me.


Journaling a little more here since I'm still without a new one to write in.

The other night a girl I work with at the store was telling me about some things she has discovered about her ex BF that lead her to believe she could not accept him back even though he is begging. He is the one that broke off their R and she was devastated and now he's realized what he did but there have been too many truths revealed now about him that make her run the other way. She's 21 and still believes in love and everything it entails. I listened to her, gave her a few comments, and that was it but as she was talking the cynic inside me was roaring to spew. It horrified me, but it's become more clear to me over the last few days that maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm practical - a realist.......I wanted to tell her, but I'm not going to be the one to shatter her dream of happiness. Who knows, maybe she's able to find that ellusive dream we all seemed to have at one time.

I think my soul is dead. Maybe that's why I am thinking this way. What way is that? Love doesn't really exist. It's a lie we tell ourselves to be able to live in peace with another person and procreate. Love, in all of it's definitions, is not possible for real life people to have. True love would require selflessness, respect and honor, a true desire to give everything you have to another person with no expectation of ever receiving any of that back from them. How can a person do that? They can't! People are inherently selfish creatures who are only out for themselves. Therefore, love doesn't exist. Cohabitation, sex, child rearing, and daily life do not require love, they require cooperation. The end. Love is impossible for people to have because of our very nature.

Call me what you will....cynic, dellusional, realistic, stupid, ugly, whatever. There is just no part of my soul left that believes in those things anymore. Is love a fancy or a feeling? Neither........it's just a fantasy. We would do better to remember that so we live in the now with no expectation of there being anything more to life. There isn't. This is it....accept it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((Mish))))).

I don't see cynicism in what you write. I see pain.....and maybe some fear.....

There is so much of your sitch I can identify with. As you know, my D24 is high functioning autistic, and my H's relationship with her is fraught with disfunction. And I do believe, though he will never admit it, that he feels a failure with her (and possibly with S18 too).

The hating what you see in the mirror. I have always struggled with my weight, but I now see that much of it's because I have actually unknowingly suffered from depression all my life, although both H and I just thought I was a lazy fat slob. And though I've lost 50lbs in the last year, all I think when I look in the mirror is that I need to loose at least 50 more!!

So, I know a little of how you feel...... but I think that love is real...... it just depends on your definition of love. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. I've come to believe that it's all about what I feel and how I express it (both inside myself and to others). It's not about how someone else feels about me.

For example, you know I think that the dream house STBXH and I were planning and working on in the last years of our M was a very painful issue for me. Thinking of him having it without me.......and in fact sharing it with someone else was excruciating!! I always tried to "buy" his approval, and that house was the epitome of that, and to have him take it and not me felt like emotional rape!

But, not long ago, I thought about it, and I decided that if love is unconditional (or if I truly believe that it should be) then I have to be willing and able to exhibit that in my own love. Remember the golden rule....do unto others.... It's about living by your own set of values. I can't dictate what others do, but for myself I choose to love unconditionally (and I am NOT talking about being a doormat!!). Someday, I really do hope that I will meet somebody who will share that same "definition" of love, and hopefully we can build a happy life together.

Does that make sense???

Anyway, I thought I would share.

Take care, and keep up the great work you are doing!! C has helped me (and will continue to help me) more than I can say. Just remember that like many things in life, you usually get out of it what you put into it..... so invest yourself for yourself. You're worth it! We all here know it!! Someday, you will know it too!!

((((((hugs))))))

[mishka422]

Why is it that I get yelled at and hassled because Marc won't answer his phone when his dad calls?

I sent Gabe a text earlier confirming that he is taking Marc to karate tomorrow (we switched up nights because of a bible study I'm doing but Gabe doesn't remember things for more than a day so I had to confirm). The next thing I know Gabe is calling me and hassling me because he's been calling Marc and texting him all afternoon and Marc never answered. He said he also called him all weekend and he never answered or called him back. So he's pissed at me and I finally told him that it's not my problem and if he has a problem he needs to talk to Marc. I then handed my phone to Marc and Gabe bitched him out and then made the classic remark....'What, do you not want to talk to me? Do you have a problem with me?'

GAG! I'm sick of this! Why won't he just leave it alone.