Hello All A long time ago, Mach1 and Beginners and Tapt and many others have given me advice...not that I didn't take it but we all know how hard some of this is. The one thing I will pass along because I buy into it 100% not only because it makes sense, but because it works is to do what Mach1 told me: Install the filter.
It basically means STFU if worse comes to worse. But when you master it, you can even speak and talk to your spouse about any topic and stay in control of the conversation. For more than 2 weeks now, my filter has been (finally) working as efficiently as if I've always had it.
I cannot tell you the improvement in my R with H.
Thank you Mach1.
And thank you Beginners, AJM and 2getherbutapart and CIPA and all of you....thank you for all the candles when it goe so dark in my situation I never thought I would see again more over the light at the end of the tunnel.
S, you are welcome. We all get to where we need to in our own time.
So, keep doing what you know needs to get done. Stay the course, look forward, not back, keep the filter in and follow your journey. Everything that is supposed to happen, will happen when it should.
I know that we all have to travel this path as we have to travel it, but damn, my path would have been a lot less bumpy if I had listened to Mach and installed that filter a looooonnnnngggg time ago.
Things have been calm and yet ridiculous at the same time. But at this point, I'm liking the normal talks and no arguing and the ability to argue and get our points across to each other then apologize if necessary and etc. Communication....what a weird thing when you can't figure it out....what an amazing thing when you can.
So last night, H wanted me to spend the night at his place. I just couldn't do it on top of the fact, I wanted to go home.
I felt like staying at his place is like admitting this is all so beyond crazy and here's my further contribution to it. Let's stay at a place we shouldn't have ever rented because we have a perfectly good home.
So I went hom and was quite happy about it. Over slept this morning but whatever.
OK, What is all this "filter" talk? Please people, save me some time here. Enlighten me!!!!
And btw Stronger - great job. I mean really saying no to the invite - you listened to your own feelings and stuck to what felt right. If he wants to sleep with you, he can come to the home you have together.
I wish my H would do that!lol I'd be there in a snap...lol
We are just at different points Hope. I wish for you to not get here, where you are comfortable if there's a divorce. It's truly NOT what I want, but I'm ready for it. If he thinks he can do better than that's what he needs to do. If he can do better than me, then that's a great amazing unreal life, and I would encourage him to go find it. Yeah, it sounds arrogant but seriously, I'm not so bad. I've done a lot of work on me externally and more important, internally. This whole experience has been more difficult than anything else in my life, but I truly have changed and grown as a woman and a mother.
I love him enough to let him go now. But I love me even more to let him go now. I can say I did everything I possibly could.
So now, we wait and see.
Frankly, I wanted to go home. Not that I don't love sleeping with H at night, I truly do, but that night, just wanted to go back to my place and chill out. So I did.
Installing the filter. It's something I learned from Mach1. He's around every now and then and he's saving his marriage after a very very tough, long hard road.
The filter is installed by you, and it's place between your brain and your mouth and has a stopper between your heart and your mouth. Basically, the stopper keeps you from saying ANYTHING from your heart during heated arguments. Very beneficial.
The filter from your brain to your mouth only allows the logical, well thought out thoughts to get through and it also filters out your ability to sound angry and/or snide.
And in a situation where you have nothing to say, it allows you to convey that in a very neutral non-attacking kind of way.
It's amazing. Aside from getting my self-confidence back, it's been my best tool.
