Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

So last night we had a big talk about money and helen and that 2 years of fog. I was tidying the house for my parents coming today and found a bottle of very expensive aftershave I hadnt bought him (it was horrible, really strong and flamboyant) he looked crestfallen and said yes it was from her, for Christmas. I said, but you told me she didnt get you anything? He said, I forgot she did and that it was here, theres so much I have forgotton, or put out of my mind, I dont want to ever think about it ever again and I dont want to talk about it either...it doesnt matter anymore, thats why I'm here with you.

But I cant be told whats best for HIM all of the time, so I calmly and lovingly explained that I too want us to have a normal future R, to put this behind us, but I cant whilst I still keep finding things in the house and wondering and then when I ask him, he doesnt think it matters...I gave him the analogy of the jigsaw from Hope4Us, that he has the full picture and has already processed and 'let it go'.. but he only recently started handing me the pieces and sometimes he swaps them and changes what he gave me and I dont even yet have a full picture with holes in, I have a jumble of pieces I have tried to assemble. He understood completely why I need to know and admitted that he was the same after my EA. I also explained there is a 'hole' in our life together and in a funny kind of way, I want to understand what it was like for him, to date someone else, how it felt, how he got by.. also, being depressed and feeling 'crazy'.. he said with that part, yes most people would advocate talking about the depression, but he would rather just draw a line under it and never speak of it again, that he does worry it will return as bad as that one day, but that he learnt alot and feels he wouldnt be so stupid next time to not ask for help or be too proud to take tablets.

So then we talked. He said he doesnt know what he was thinking, he should never have dated her and it wasnt fair on himself, or me, or her. That it was never right, from the beginning. He admitted yes, he did like her, but they didnt chat like we did, it wasnt natural. Same as he always says. I asked how he reacted to the aftershave and he said he put on a pretence he liked it and wore it Christmas day "for her", but not since, eventhough she asked him about it a few times. I said this worries me, why did you keep doing things "for her".. like the DIY you got roped into at her house? He said, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not like that with you.. it just took me a long long time to pull myself out of it. I got myself into something and I couldnt see how to extract myself. He said he still feels tremendous, almighty guilt, everyday for how he behaved and what he did to me, that he cannot believe how stupid he was. That he just wants to forget the whole experience entirely, wipe his memory, never wants to speak to her again. He feels that its like it wasnt him that was dating her, it was like it happened to someone else, which he put down to the fact that he wasnt himself when depressed.

We had an almost argument about money earlier in the evening, he threw at me that some of his Dads inheritance money got spent (2006). So I told him we had used it to pay his Dads mortgage when he inherited the house and also that he didnt even pay rent for a year before he left me and at first he didnt believe me but then he was shocked and humbled and it hit him with clarity how much he had buried his head in the sand back then, about finances especailly, his, ours and also, about his depression. He then couldnt have been nicer to me and I think it was a real watershed moment for him, realising he needs to take responsibility for so many things that were wrong back then and not fall into those traps again.