Pride... Yes, I kind of remember what that is. When I look at my CC bills... LOL
One thing I am really proud of is for NOT letting pride get in the way. I was there for him. To listen and to try to understand. Didnt make a difference to him, but it sure feels good to be able to overcome some human "flaws"... Guys, I think I feel good about myself. Stupid, but good. K
And...many piecers suffer continually with recurrent indiscretions and issues with lack of trust only to find themselves back where they were months or years later.
This is so true just when you think you are there, bang, setback back to square one.
My view now is that you have to give the me the M a chance even if it is terminal and you get the ILYB speech, but if you fail then the M gets a decent burial. (as in your case K)
I think armed with the knowledge I have now and what I have seen of a WAW I think I would bail and get the hell out of there.(John I quote you again). But in my sitch I have persisted and persisted and I think I am half way there to a decent M. So its up to the individual to see how long thet can hang in in there. BBJ is the next in line, she can hang on in there for as long as she can and it may work, they'll be set backs along the way but it may work but only she can walk that road.
Finally
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I want to start a thread in newcomers and just TELL everybody that #1 there is probably (99%) another person involved
I would change this to 100% or why else would we be here.
I don't think it's 100%. But I actually think that there's a better chance if there is an OP than if there isn't, in a strange sort of way. If there's an OP, there is something for us to eventually compare favorably to. When there isn't, we are up against a fantasy world, to a degree, that we can't possibly compete with.
Call me naive, but I don't think there has ever been an OP in my case. But I also don't think I ever had a chance, once things got to a certain point. At this point it doesn't matter.
Holy crap, Kalni. I no longer post, but I often check in--silently--to get inspired and read up on old friends here, but I had to post after I read about your 'discoveries'.
I'm so, so sorry. But I'm glad you know the truth now. It does set you free.
Your husband is a lying coward. You wanted to believe the best in him, because YOU are a strong person with integrity and morals. You loved in him what you brought to the table on his behalf.
The story of DB.com, as Bworl has alluded to, is the story of 'opposites attract'--the strong who fell in love with the weak, and how those weak spouses wrecked pretty much everything in their path. Some come about to see the error of their ways, true, and regret--bitterly--what they have done. Actually, I think 100% do, it's just that it's often years and years down the road, and probably not broadcasted beyond yet more self-destructive behavior on their part.
Empathizing with him can only help you heal. Your stbX DID do the best he could. Most people, through their own painful circumstances, are afraid of truly loving anyone. He tried to love you. He failed.
Luckily--that's not you. Your heart will remain soft, and open, because that is the best way to live life and how, I gather, you've always lived it. My favorite (paraphrased) quote lately is this:
We only join the family of man when we truly get our hearts broken wide open.
And--you have to have loved with all your heart to have it broken wide open. And you did that. You should be proud and have no regrets. So what you gave your all and lost? How does history remember those that gave everything to a just cause, only to "lose". They are invariably celebrated later, as it should be. Success is in the doing, in the living.
Loss is a built-in facet of being alive. We all lose. "Life is pain, and anyone that tells you different is selling something."
What you are teaching your kids is that joy and passion and open-heartedness happen even--and maybe especially--after the heartbreak and pain and loss.
But you have to let yourself grieve first. Joy comes later, and sometimes within the tears.
Best to you, and big hugs.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
HI IAMLOST!!!! "Are you found" yet? Good to hear from you, how are you?
My stbxH is regretting everything he did. The gloss and fantasy he lived in the year we were together and while he was with her is gone. That lasted 13 months.
I dont know if I told you guys, I read 1000 emails dated since Sep-Oct 2006. Up until Dec and maybe summer 2007 they were living the perfect love. After that and until stbxH left our home they were stabilised but with some high points when on trips together etc. Although I didnt read many emails from him (just 3 actually for the entire 3 year period) her emails were very telling. As soon as he left our home, things shifted. She is eager to take the next step, he is CRUSHED because of the kids reactions. He is having second thoughts and she panicks blackmailing him she will email me.
3 monthns in DBing he changes with me as well. Negative feelings are gone. We are moving into the friendship stage. I am consistent. He buys me the famous silver sandals, stays longer at the house, accepts the invitations for lunch, lingers, goes by my house when I am not there, sleeps in our bed, eats lunch with my parents, buys me a watch (one for all of us-kids and him) etc etc
During the summmer she got really upset. Started telling him I am not one with the kids and that she should go to a shrink to separate me from the kids. She urges him to leave us behind for good and that she cant accept the kids' excuse for much longer.
All this time she uses the guilt card about the pregnancy, about the age she is at and what would happen to her if he left her etc etc:"I would have niothing and at an age that I will not be able to have kids while you will have them, always, enjoy them etc etc". I dont know his responds, I know she turned off her cell in summer 2008 for some time and set an ultimatum. He didnt buy it. Right about the same time, I start to glow because I am in love and calmly tell him I want the divorce. He agrees.When I come from NY he wants back.
And then she begs, pleads, tells him he is making a mistake. She is doing all I did when he left. Funny how tables turn, huh?
Why am I saying this? DB actually worked for me. Their affair IMO is dead even if they dont know it yet although he says he is sure about it. Everything went the way the books say.
The affair made him happy, made him "crazy" but as soon as the first stage was over, he realised it wasnt everything as he thought it would be. While I was DBing the affair faded. I became the OW. He was lying to her, telling her it's only the kids while to me he kept saying he didnt want the divorce and stressed many times that it was NOT because of the kids.
She complained about lack of tenderness, communication, will to see her. He had turned with her as he was with me during his affair. At the same time, he started touching me and kissing me (not sexually).
I think my stbxH sees all that now. He regrets it. He feels like a jerk. And I sorta of agree with him. K
imlost, I dont regret anything I have done. I think I did fine. I am sad and wanted my happy ending. I didnt get it. Maybe next time. Who knows?
hey Maria, We will get our happy endings....maybe the actors are not the ones that we had anticipated, however, I have to believe that there are better times ahead for all of us. I have a close buddy who has been divorced for 10 years or so...WAS......just like us. He is still talking about her. I do not want to be like that..... He still has her under his skin....it takes effort to turn the page. She has had three live in boyfriends in the last 10 years (that he knows of). Why he would bring her up out of the blue during a golf game makes me wonder how much this guy is stuck in the past. He has never had a serious girlfriend since, nor does he want one.
K, Your "happy ending" is still being written. Your life is a book full of chapters and I certainly don''t believe you have reached the end!! There are many more stories to write. Keep living to the fullest and at the end of this life you won't look back and hope that things would have been different because you did everything that you could. You can't make someone be different to fit your story.
love, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Feeling down again today. Dont get me wrong. I am doing things, went out with my GFs, finished 3 paintings yesterday and today(sold 6 so far), I make sure I look good everyday, I am working my a$$ off at work... BUT, things are happening around me I cant control. Upsetting things, sad things. Things that remind me of what has happened and what it is to come... Athens seems so f..ng empty these days... It feels like a silent city, like watching TV on mute. I am right in the middle, I feel like I am missing my purpose in life. Just filling up days and existing. I am sure it is a phase, it is all too familiar. Still it makes me sad. Hopefully by next Thursday I will be done with the hectic part at work. Hopefully something is going to change. Inside and out. K
Sorry you're in a bit of a funk, but keep remember that this is only temporary - as you said a phase. MUCH better days are ahead for you.
I think it's great that you are keeping yourself busy and not just sitting around doing nothing. Three paintings in one day is amazing and you sold six today. Congrats - wish I was that talented :-)!
Athens seems so f..ng empty these days... It feels like a silent city, like watching TV on mute. I am right in the middle, I feel like I am missing my purpose in life. Just filling up days and existing. I am sure it is a phase, it is all too familiar. Still it makes me sad
A thing I started after the bomb was to sign the kids up and participate in the cub scouts and girl scouts. Have you ever considered doing some more activities with the kids to help get out of the rut of just existing?
