Holy crap, Kalni. I no longer post, but I often check in--silently--to get inspired and read up on old friends here, but I had to post after I read about your 'discoveries'.
I'm so, so sorry. But I'm glad you know the truth now. It does set you free.
Your husband is a lying coward. You wanted to believe the best in him, because YOU are a strong person with integrity and morals. You loved in him what you brought to the table on his behalf.
The story of DB.com, as Bworl has alluded to, is the story of 'opposites attract'--the strong who fell in love with the weak, and how those weak spouses wrecked pretty much everything in their path. Some come about to see the error of their ways, true, and regret--bitterly--what they have done. Actually, I think 100% do, it's just that it's often years and years down the road, and probably not broadcasted beyond yet more self-destructive behavior on their part.
Empathizing with him can only help you heal. Your stbX DID do the best he could. Most people, through their own painful circumstances, are afraid of truly loving anyone. He tried to love you. He failed.
Luckily--that's not you. Your heart will remain soft, and open, because that is the best way to live life and how, I gather, you've always lived it. My favorite (paraphrased) quote lately is this:
We only join the family of man when we truly get our hearts broken wide open.
And--you have to have loved with all your heart to have it broken wide open. And you did that. You should be proud and have no regrets. So what you gave your all and lost? How does history remember those that gave everything to a just cause, only to "lose". They are invariably celebrated later, as it should be. Success is in the doing, in the living.
Loss is a built-in facet of being alive. We all lose. "Life is pain, and anyone that tells you different is selling something."
What you are teaching your kids is that joy and passion and open-heartedness happen even--and maybe especially--after the heartbreak and pain and loss.
But you have to let yourself grieve first. Joy comes later, and sometimes within the tears.
Best to you, and big hugs.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
