Today, I had a horrible day at work and I just was in such a mess when I left work. And I did the unthinkable, I called H. I wish I had just been able to wait and get online and onto this website. Luckily, he did not answer and I just left a generic message. I just wanted to lash out at him. I felt so angry that he was not here and I have no support....and I had to go home to an empty house. Then decided to call a couple of people from work and they agreed to go out for dinner and drinks and well, felt better on the one hand and .....yet, still had a bad day.....
But as you say MJ, one day at a time. Just got in and need to get to sleep actually. Mnt_dreams, thank you for your response. I know everyone is so busy......I am the same way. I think of all of you often, and yet don't get around to writing anymore.
MJ- I have not read the Rejoice Marriage Ministries. I will look into that on my next day off... I hope you both are doing well. and will write again when I can....sorry I have not been checking in with anyone on a regular basis. I am just barely able to check in...but I am hoping next month will be a bit better....thank you for sticking with me...
Hi Orchid1, Sorry to hear you had a bad day. WE all have them. I totally understand about coming home & not having someone to talk to or listen to you. I have my fur-kids - but, well that's not the same. Yet, good to hear you took action & regained a better mood.
I've been reading the book What Your mother Didn't Tell You & What Your Father Didn't Know. It's a pretty good book w/a lot of valid points. One being that women need to talk & to be listened to. Yet, not necessarily have their problems solved. So true that is for me.
Tomorrow is a new day - hope it's better for you!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Journalling.... I am so tired, its ridiculous. yesterday I came home at 5:30pm and slept until 10pm....and then went back to sleep at 12 or so....and woke up at 6am....and then again today, I was done early at like 1pm....and its amazing...I went to sleep from 2-5pm. I could still sleep. what the heck is wrong with me?????
Anyways, I am just glad to have some time off for a change. This month looks like I'm going to have some time....if I can catch up on my sleep and get rid of this constant tiredness....I can be a bit more productive with some of my personal things...
I spoke with H last week. He was in such a good mood.....he's very excited to "restart us and start fresh" Whatever that means. I said I wasn't sure that I was going to be much company and he countered with "We are going to have an awesome weekend. I am so looking forward to seeing you. I miss you. You have given me exactly what I needed - which was time to think. Thank you."
What the heck? I have decided to remind myself that I am just going with it. What more can I do at this point? This has to be a mid-life crisis. I just don't know what else to think at this point.
I am so tired of thinking about it and trying to make sense out of it. Its been so long since I have had a day to day interaction with him, I just feel like this is my normal life. On top of it, I have been so busy....I have a life that is totally separate from him. Its crazy. I don't need him. I don't need him.
This week I have a couple of things to do at work...but looks like an ok next couple of days.....and then have a long day on saturday. and then Sunday and Monday off. Then 2 more days and I go for my D.
I still have to come up with an outfit for the D...and the rest of the weekend. SIGH!!! I just want it to be over now.
So...not much new going on. I actually cooked myself a meal today! That was nice. Nothing more to report....I feel very dicombobulated!
Hey orchid1, Good to hear you will be getting some time to relax soon. By the amount of time you seem to be working, I'm not surprised you slept some much.
I agree your H does seem quite strange to be so happy about this. Many of the WAS are racked by guilt. My xh was afraid & quite nervous about getting D. I wonder if his happiness will hold out when he has to take the stand 1st to answer questions & remember dates. This is not a honeymoon but a divorce! What a wacko! It's quite oblivious that he has no clue how women think & feel. Don't mean to take the p*ss out of your H.
Keep taking the high road & keep positive.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Yeah, Id say he's smoking something.........but, alas this is my reality.
He is nervous actually, but thinks this will be an opportunity for a great new beginning for us....why can't we have a new beginning within the marriage itself??? I am not so sure. The answer is "Because he cannot and doesn't know how to".
I feel like he doesn't really understand or value the institution of marriage, obviously. He comes from a broken family and I think I may have made a mistake or..........um....underestimated the situation.......in thinking that a person can overcome his backgroud and environment. He envies my family and yet when push comes to shove...(and I do still think this is his mid life crisis) he is choosing to actively break something that wasn't even broken. He thinks this "break" will jolt him out of his....um....I call it a lack of creativity to live life in an interesting and fullfilling manner. But hey! who's asking me?! HA!
Anyways, I am taking the high road in this and trying daily to keep a positive mental attitude. I go from being pist off at his abandonment.......to just being neutral....cuz, I keep thinking this was the worst time he could have done this...except if we had kids....and well...I am getting thru it and am still alive and kicking!
Who knows....I do still know that I would want to give it my all with this person whom I chose to marry and cherish for my life. I know legally its ending...no ifs,ands, or butts......BUT (HEHEHE)....we will see where all this takes me...and how or even if...we evolve in this journey....to find our way back or if not, well...to live our lives the best way we know how!
Hey orchid1, You sound so strong & positive - good for you! Keep that attitude. I agree my sitch could have been worse too.
Yep, I understand & feel the same way about my xh. I too thought the bond of M would be stronger. And thought that my xh had changed from when we just dated years ago. Not so. The only way, he too knows how to deal w/M/R problems is to run & start anew. As I have thought before, I wonder how long one can really run from themselves? Must get pretty tiring.
I read the self help / R book for men that was recommended on this site. (Hold onto your Nuts). It's a very interesting book. One part says that a man needs to silence the little boy in him. It says how a little boy can in one way react to his fears by running away. (Well that's my xh). It also says moods belong to little boys, says to stop being afraid of your W & the kicker, a boy reacts a man responds. All that pretty much describes my xh.
Ah well, onward & to better days.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Yeah.......well, at times I buy the "little boy" theory and then after a min I think "well, I am constantly fighting the little girl in me...so, too bad!"
Anyways, I am probably not doing as well as I sounded yesterday. I don't know what the F@*& I'm doing. I have no real plan for this upcoming 3 days with him. I am definately more panicked today....no reason, just am! Just have to make it thru one more week. This time next week I will be divorced officially. Nothing will be changed really except on paper now we will be officially divorced. So great...he wants this...I'm giving it to him.....again what can I do? It only takes one person to break up a marriage. Anyways, I have a 12 hr work day tomorrow and then 2 days off....so, just have to make it thru the next 24hrs....
Yet, good to hear you took action & regained a better mood.