Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

My story really begins five years ago. That was the first time my WAW mentioned the D word. It was over sex and I was shocked. I went to a friend's house for the day, replayed the argument and he said I was 100 percent wrong. I apologized and we soldiered on.

We'd always go through cycles and she'd say every six months or so she wasn't happy. I always marked it off to stress. Things still were pretty good between us three years ago. We went to Las Vegas for our 10th wedding anniversary in April. In December, we had the best month of sex probably since we were newlyweds.

Then the physical side just came to an abrupt halt. We've probably been intimate less than 20 times in the past three years.

My WAW has a very stressful job. Our youngest daughter is ADHD and really struggled in school. She's on her fifth in four years as we try to find the right program. Her family is no picnic either. A sister who hasn't worked in years. Her mom bailing out the sister.

Lots of stuff just kept piling up.

In February she dropped the bomb. She wanted me out so she could "figure things out." I argued, then started to pack when she said she didn't mean that day. We agreed I should stay until the end of school.

In March, I had an epiphany. I looked at a lot of things I'd done from her point of view and noticed I'd really been loving her half-heartedly. I loved her ... but I didn't love her family. I loved her ... but I wished she'd work out more. I loved her ... but I wish our marriage came before her career.

I'd been trying to show her love by doing more and more and more stuff at home. I did the majority of the cooking, the dishes, the laundry. I'd always taken care of the finances. I have a very flexible job so I was the one taking our daughters to and from school.

The more I did for her the more distant she became.

After the epiphany, we had a great talk and I told her everything I'd learned. We held each other. I thought we had turned things around.

My oldest daughter, who had been freaking all year about us, was crying on the way to school one day and I told her she shouldn't worry so much. Things were turning around.

After school she ran up to the W and said she was so happy we worked things out. W was very upset with me. She said "now if it doesn't work out, it's my fault."

The window that we opened in March closed.

By Mother's Day things were very weird because the end of school was coming. I was sick, the girls had a bad day and the end of the night turned into an argument. At one point, she called me "honey." I told her not to call me "honey" anymore and she said "get out now."

I packed up and left. I moved in with a friend and stewed for a while and figured once she ran out of money, the kids drove her nuts and fell behind on house work, she'd come crawling to me.

Then I made a very good decision and started attending church on my own. We'd stopped going in '08. The church offers a marriage class occasionally and I signed up because at least it was something to occupy my time.

I've learned lots of things. I treat my W like my dad treated my mom. A look of condescencion. I thought sex was like a pop machine, if I do enough stuff, I've put in my quarters. Where's my sex? I took my daughters to the zoo and a song was playing "Come on Eileen." My oldest said "that's mom's favorite song."

I did not know that. Boy that hit me hard. Fifteen years together and I realize now how little interest I really showed in her. No wonder she's gotten quieter as we got older.

I wrote her a letter after one of the classes, saying all of the things I've learned, that I no longer blame her 100 percent for the breakup and that I'm trying to improve -- whether or not we get back together.

I wasn't sure whether to mail it but she'd been spotted by a friend at the county fair with another guy. I do not think this is a PA. It may be an EA, but I'm confident it isn't anything big.

Still, there may be competition and I just didn't want to sit idly by. So I mailed the letter.

The next week, we had a terrible conversation on Tuesday -- the fair came up and she said "what does it matter, I haven't changed my mind."

I woke up thinking I can't even be friends with her. It's too painful.

Then a small miracle. She called the next day to apologize and acknowledge she did receive the letter and it meant a lot to her. We talked for 90 minutes (on her lunch hour). She still emphasized she is happier without me, she feels "more in control" of her life. But she said we should talk once a week, on the phone so she doesn't cave in, as a start.

I was excited and scared at the same time. Her birthday was Sunday but she didn't want to see me or the girls -- it was my weekend -- because she already had plans.

I saw her for a bit Monday when I dropped them off. She looked tired but she wasn't giving me the cold shoulder either. Tonight (Tuesday), we were together for about an hour because we are protesting our tax assessment. After, I asked about work and we talked a bit. She wasn't short with me.

Then I said good night and left.

Tomorrow she is supposed to call, but she may not. It's a very busy time for her.

I know I have a long road ahead and this is a long email. How am I doing so far?
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken