Well, from continued monitoring (which I feel I need to stop), discovered that W was where she said she was this weekend, didn't actually see this guy, and most recently that it was sad that he wasn't going to "see her for awhile."
So, I came home. W was very short with me. I asked her if she'd broken if off, she said yes, but it was kind of silly because there wasn't much to it. I asked if she blocked him on FB, and she said no, and she wasn't going to do it. I said then she needed to move out. She said no.
Then she said that I was trying to remove her support system. I said no, that she's having an affair and it needs to stop. That I saw this guy as responsible for what' going on. So, she said, no, do you know what this was? We went to the king Tut exhibit, and some art show. She said, he took me out a couple of times, and she'd already called it off anyway because she wasn't going to let it go any further until we'd figured out our situation.
So I said, do I need to contact him myself? And she said that would make her very angry, and if I wanted things to get nasty, then...
And that's when the kids showed up. So that kind of petered out.
Then I went back into the kitchen, and she said, I don't want to be at odds with you - and this kind of turned into a R discussion at that point. She said, I've worked on this so hard, and I said, when are you talking about, and she said, since the last seperation, for the last 10 years.
She said, you have so many good qualities - I could have loved you forever, if not for the intimacy. I said, we've had sex regularly, etc., and she said that's not it. I said tell me, and she can't put it into words. Don't know, more passion, talking more, etc. She also said, she knew it from the beginning. We connected on so many levels except for this - and then she said, but she's changing, I'm changing, etc.
This is a little muddy in my head I guess. But she said that, though it seemed enough for me, it wasn't enough for her. And then she said, that when this is over I'll see, I'll meet someone better for me, someone more like my sisters, but she's not like that, she's not a housewife, she's not this or that - she said, "I'm weird like my mom."
Well, then we all ate dinner.
Then she asked for the checkbook, and this is when I told her I'd opened up my own checking account. So... she pushed me into another room.
What does this mean? You're on MY checking account... are you going to be hiding money? What are you doing?
So I said, this is going to have to happen. I put some money in there from a stock sale, so it's there if we have to go get an apartment or something. Soon I'll set it up for my direct deposit, and have the car payment auto-withdrawn from there. The bills will get paid, everything will be fine. But this needs to happen.
And she said... you're right. We're going to have to do this, she hadn't thought of that yet, but she's going to go get me off her checking account, we'll both pay the bills out of our two accounts. And we're going to have to talk about dividing things up, what we're going to do about the house, etc. So talked about selling the house, no she wants to keep it for the boys - so I said, then you'd have to buy me out, etc. etc.
So after awhile, I said, talk to me about something else. And we just talked. Now she's gone to the movies.
I said, I miss the movies, and she commented that I'd only ever gone with her. We talked about maybe going to a movie together.
I am sad. I'm not angry, I'm not sick, I'm not scared.
I am sad because I can see myself being at peace with all this.
