Yes, I really thought that much about it. The sentance or two didn't even do justice to how much thought I gave it. The word in CoDA that we give to this type of thing is "emeshment". I have a very difficult time just seeing a sitch w/ H for what it is and just leave it at that. However, the thing that is most important is that I first think about how my actions will effect him and his mood. I have RARELY put my own needs, thoughts, feelings, wants first in any relationship I've ever been in. I work very hard to make sure everyone around me is happy with all their needs met. Then, when I don't get my needs met in return, I resent everyone and victimize myself. That's a very watered down version of one aspect of one of my character defects but, trust me, I do know how damaging my behavior is and I'm working my hiney off to try and change it. I'm definately MUCH better than where I was several months ago...believe it or not. I really do see where changing me is the key to all of this.
That said, I just wanted to share some things that are going on. This past weekend we had a wonderful family weekend and he even surprised me by creating a whole new bedroom for me and him. I went out with DD and came back to "our" bedroom. It's in a new room with different furniture. I was so touched and moved to tears and told him so.
Sunday he started playing this role playing game on the computer. He played from about 8pm until 11pm. Then yesterday he played from about 10am until 5pm and then 8 pm until 10:30. He is now on the game and has played from 8pm until now and will most likely play until bedtime. When I told my husband in March that our marriage was over, a big part of the issue was the time he has spent playing computer games. For years I have been ignored over these games. He has a VERY addictive personality and video games are his kryptonite. When he wanted to win me back he stopped playing all together for months. He canceled his World of Warcraft account, rarely plays his XBox...its been a HUGE change. Now, 1 and 1/2 days of pretty intense gaming. A lot of feelings are coming up in me right now and I know that I should verbalize them (per our therapist) but I also dont want to rock the boat and "piss" him off as Stonger said not to do. Right now I'm going about my night acting like everything is terrific. I'm doing laundry, watching TV, going on the computer. I want to talk about it calmly but I know it will get into R talk and I am not supposed to be doing that either. Retro is 2 weeks away and I'm hoping I can bring some stuff on the table then. The only way that I can really help you guys to understand what I'm feeling is if you can imagine an alcoholic in recovery and then his wife comes home and sees a beer in front of him and he proceeds to drink a six pack. Now, I've been in recovery long enough to know that I cannot become the co-addict. It's just hard right now and I'm feeling so many emotions. Mostly fear....that I am going to do all this work to save my marriage only to have the marriage that was so broken (and left me so broken) that I thought my only choice was to leave. Luckily, I found the brains that I lost when I left and came back but ....I'm just in a very weird place right now. I know that I love him but I don't love this behavior. To love completely, do I have to accept this as part of the deal? I mean, do I just say to myself, "Gina, look, he could be with another woman or out at a bar right now. He's right behing you playing a computer game. So he didn't even kiss his kid goodnight or barely utter two words to you all day. He's here and in the same house...what more do you want?" Because in all honesty I want a heck of a lot more than that. I want an emotionally present partner. Not perfect, not to be at my beck and call...but emotionally present at least most of the time. I've looked and looked at DB book tonight and don't see anything that really pertains to this. So, I'm going to do the one thing that I think I should do...practice self care. I"m going upstairs, painting my toenails and giving myself a mini-facial. Normally, I would go up and eat...but that's just turning in on myself. See, when he does this it makes me feel very ignored and alone and I take it personally. Luckily, I have a sane part of me that knows it's not about me at all. So, I'm going to control the one thing that I can and be good to myself.
Stronger...thanks for being candid and a straight shooter. I love honesty. There is a saying in CoDA..that you're only as sick as your secrets. Lies can't hide if truth is shining down on them. You're advice is golden!!
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
