Questions for The DB'ing Pros - Help!

[neversaydie63]

Questions for you DB’ing Pros

WAW left 4 months + ago
We still see/date 1 to 2 times /week
Talk every few days or so
For more detail on my sitch, follow the sitch link in my signature.

????
1) Phone Calls –
* Should I always wait for her to call me first?
• When she does call, I never pick it up right away anymore – is that good?
• Should I call her back the same day or the next?
2) Pictures of Us around our house
• They kind of bug me, seeing us all happy, together – if I take them down, will that be bad when she comes over?
• She has none of us at her new house when she is living (as far as I know)
3) Money
• Still have joint checking accts and saving accounts – should I make a change?
• My paycheck is still supporting both of us – should I separate it now and let her pay her own way? She has some, but very little income of her own.

4) Wedding Ring
• Do I still wear it or take it off? Currently I am wearing it and she is wearing hers (at least when she is around me)



Thanks everyone for your input here --- just trying to do the right thing here, I really do want our marriage to work!

NSD

[Phoenixdeux]

I don't know exactly where you are in the relationship. Is she saying she's divorcing you and that you are done, or does she want to work slowly back together? It makes a difference. If you are like most everyone else on here, and she's on the way out, then I definitely support getting your own accounts and start weaning her off your support. Does she expect that if divorced you'll be her sugar daddy? Of course, with a marriage this long, you'll end up splitting all the assets. Has any of that happened? If this is just an arrangement that's intended to heal the marriage, and she's talking about a life with you, then I think you shouldn't do anything hasty like cut her off completely. You can still open your own accounts and start putting money in it.

After four months, I'd probably take the pictures down and start aranging things to your own taste. It's your place now. If she doesn't like it...so what.

I would answer the phone or reply whenever you feel like it. It isn't make or break. Just make sure you are happy when you answer. Maybe shake things up a bit as far as getting together. Make some plans for a week so you can't get together. Go out of town. Focus more attention on your own single life.

[WalkingMan]

Hi Never.

It 's sounds like to me like you have quite an opportunity. you two are at least dating and she has a chance to see the poisitive changes you have made.

1. Phone calls. I would say let her call you, unless it's something important like children or finances. I would also say making her wait is imoportant, but you have to understand the circumstances in which she left and gear your approch accordingly. Listen and be mysterious and maybe vague. Whether you wait to call back or not depends on how important the subject at hand is.

2. Pictures. Once again it depends on your situation. For me, I left some pictures up, but I also put of new ones in order to emphasize my new happy life. She will notice the new pics and it will be a reflection of the new, exciting, mysterious you. whether she has pics of you up at her house or not she must see that she is missing out on something when she's at your place. Remember, beleive none of what you hear and half of what you see.

3. Finances are a difficult. I have my own business and I removed my XW from access. If she needed help and I knew it, I just put money in her account to show that I did care, but that if she wanted to a separate from me she had to be on her own so she could fully understand what it meant. I did separate our bank accounts, but left the joint account open for emergencies, etc. As far as supporting her, I'm not sure about this. My XW had a great career, but she burned through all her money and now is really struggling. I felt she needed a tough love approach, but my sitch is different from yourse.

4. I would say if she's wearing it, maybe you should too. I remember when my XW took hers off the day i got the talk. I think that it hurt more than anything I've ever felt. At least she's still wearing it.

I think you could turn this around granted that she's going out with you still and wearing that ring. Just keep a positive attitude, do 180's and GAl's.

Hope this helps

[neversaydie63]

Hey Phoenixdeux,

Thanks for your input.

Here is where we are as far as I can tell:

She has not really talked about the big "D" other than a few times several months ago. and both those times it was very subtle. However, I did find out that he went to see a D attorney back in Jan but did not pursue anything beyond that. (at least as far as I know now). We have been spending some time together (good times, for the most part) and just trying to have fun together and not talk about any future plans. We stopped seeing the MC 2 months ago (her idea) but actually I think that might have been a good idea as we were always into the "deep" stuff at the MC's. So as for our future, I am not really sure as we have really not talked to much about it lately (trying to follow the DB book as much as I can)

As for being her SD --- yep, that will have if we slip down the big D path after 20 years of marriage but lets hope and pray we can keep from going down that path.

Thanks again for your input


NSD

[neversaydie63]

Pretty good weekend, but kinda screwed up last night!

OK, so the weekend was pretty good, went out with the W on Friday night and had a good time, laughed and had some nice conversation. Pulled off a pretty good 180 as well. I actually went out (not really me) and bought a few new nice shirts and wore one on Friday. When she came over she commented on how nice I looked and if the shirt was new and how she could not believe that I went out and shopped for myself. It was good and she mentioned it several times that evening.

On Sunday we went to church and then out to dinner and all was going well until we went over to her place so I could pick up the dog and bring her back with me. I had not been there in a few weeks and when I got there and looked around and saw a few new pieces of furniture. I asked about them (probably my first f’up) and she said she had got them from a friend of ours. This is a friend who has had some very bad hording issues (I mean so bad you could hardly walk into her house!) So, as I get ready to leave (on my terms, not hers) I walk to the front door on my way out of the house, I see another box type thing in the entry way and I ask what that is and she says it a piece of glass from the same friend and I say is it a mirror or just glass and she says glass then I say “wow, OK, well don’t become like..........(our friend)", kinda of in a joking sort of way but ….. Yep, I f’ed up, should have just kept my mouth shut and went home. So she flips me the bird and goes on to say that was a mean comment and I say that I was just joking but she is still mad and says she should have told me that it was “none of my business” what was in the box when I asked her – we exchange a few comments back and forth and she finally says to me that I should just leave! I again say that it was just a joke and I don’t understand why she is upset but I finally leave, unfortunately not on a good note.

So, now what, do I apologize to her? Do I just go on like it didn’t happen? Do I buy her flowers? Not sure what I should do here after this little f’up --- any ideas?? Other than that the weekend was great and we had a lot of fun, I just hope it didn’t screw up all that good work with a stupid comment.

Thanks for your input.

NSD

[WalkingMan]

I have to say it was a mistake to ask about anything at all in her place. In fact, I would say walking her to her door would have been enough, then leave. Make her curious, be mysterious.
She probably wanted you to notice the new stuff and had you'd ignored it, she would have been stumped. Keep her on her toes.

I don't think you should think about this too much, just remember to not mention it again and play it off. You could apologize about this, but I would not send her flowers or do anything that can be seen as persuing. Remember, if you think you comments will cause conflict or be used as such, don't say anything.

[neversaydie63]

Hey Sgfan,

Thanks for that advice -- she called me a bit ago and I am going to call her back but I checked here first just to make sure I try and do the right thing (this time) and you are right, I should have just kept my mouth shut about any and all things in her place. Its just so damn hard because I see her slipping away the more she gets settled in over there!!!!! -- Ouch, it really hurts, but I don't need to tell you or anyone that here now do I.

So sorry to see things in your R ended in the big D ---- anything you would of or could have done differently to have changed that outcome?

NSD

[WalkingMan]

Never,

I know what you mean about the 'slipping away.' My XW moved out, bought new furniture, etc. I know it's hard but you must stay the course with all your approvements and let things roll off. I have to say that even though my sitch didn't work out, DB'ing really got me prepared for the divorce and life after. So really, it's a win-win situation because either the changes you've made either work at bringing your spouse back into the realtionship or help you to be in a healthy frame of mind after the divorce. So either way, you are a better person.

Well, I'm not sure what else I could of done to salvage my marriage. I made alot of changes and addressed the issues my XW had with me. Really, I think that if I had more time, eventually we would have gotten back together. I guess my biggest mistake was to tell my XW I didn't want to be in limbo anymore. In my state a divorce can take as little as two months and is way too easy to obtain. So it seems like an easy way out, but it's really not. Now's she's really struggling and I've moved on. Although now she says she wants to leave the door open, but I just can't stick around anymore.

In fact, now I consider myself the WAS.

[Ready2Change]

Hi NSD!

Just read your thread. I believe you have a great shot at saving your M.

I recommend reading "Hold on to your nuts" ASAP. It will give you great insight on how to deal with her. I have a link to it in the first post of my thread.

Then read this book: The Art of Seduction

The other books I listed are also great reads.

Keep working on you, Keep doing your best, and remember that everything will be OK.

[neversaydie63]

Sgfan, thanks for the words of encouragement ad the advice. I think you are absolutely right that I need to stay the course and keep going (I guess I am just not sure how long I should keep going?? -- Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself with putting a timeline to it) But you are right, either way, what ever happens, I will be better than if I did nothing.

Ready -- it is nice to read some positive words of encouragement, thanks for that! It really helps! I will try and read the books you recommended --- I am trying to do what I can when I can, unfortunately I travel a lot for work so sometimes its hard to carve out the time.

W stopped by last eve to drop off the dog, she did not call, just popped by (which is OK, I just need to be very careful not to leave anything out like books I am reading or my journal --- it actually kinda pisses me off a little that she comes by when ever but her place is off limits for me unless I make and appointment. Oh well, it is nice to see her and she did seem pleasant last night, we hugged and kissed a couple of times, I thanked her for dropping off the dog. She did mention that I should have told her about a little bump on the dogs back that was now gone, I told her that I tried to tell her but we were just playing phone tag for the last few days. She got a little upset (just a little upset) and told me that next time I should leave a message or send an email, I did not defend, I just agreed with her that I should have done that and it seemed to defuse the situation. She also mentioned that I did not call her on Monday to see if she was going to some mutual friends for a BBQ. I told her that we did talk on Monday (she called me to come over to get some painting stuff) and that she did not think that she was going to be able to make it because she was busy painting. ?? WTF -- not sure what to make of that comment, did she want me to call her and beg her to come, maybe she thought she was missing out on something? She is kinda of sending me mixed messages here?? Anyways, she did miss a good time, we all had fun w/o her, including one of her best friends and her 2 boys (she must have head about it from her) - strange.

She did want to confirm that we were going to go on our date on Sat, I said OK, sounds good so she wants me to set it up? Any ideas ??? Thanks for everyone support -- you guys are awesome and I am so glad I found this board (just wish I would have found it sooner! )

Thinking of getting a DB coach?? Not sure, kinda expensive but I can swing it -- you think its worth the $$

NSD