Sounds great, Oz. Actually, sounds a lot like my H when he started showing interest again. Yes, expect a pullback, and yes, show no response to it.
I actually think you did nothing damaging or wrong with letting your H snuggle with you. If you'd cried, started R talk, or got all clingy, then yeah. You didn't initiate or ask for it...and this is your H having to woo you back.
Always in DBing, more of what works, less of what doesn't. Happy, GAL, independent OZ is drawing him back. You aren't making it easy for him...and there will come a time when he's back enough that you can set some agreements about what you need in a M. I highly recommend MC too...find a solutions-based MC.
Sounds like you had so much fun the other night...see what happens when you push your boundaries and do scary stuff? One of the gifts of H bombing me was figuring this out, and so now I'm more afraid of being afraid to do something than I am of actually doing it. My world has expanded considerably!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I must say I agree with you on "my world has expanded considerably" not that I have been GALing that long but I have done a number of things on my own that I never ever would have done before, so in some ways good has come of the whole mess.
I certainly made sure I didn't talk about the R or anything had a big red stop sign in front of me for that one.
He actually has rung me again, I answered this time, he wanted to let me know he was going to the doctors because he didn't want to go away on the weekend and get even worse. I like the way he threw in the going away bit again. I merely replied that no he didn't want to end up even worse especially being out on the water in the cold.
I was so good, I didn't get clingy didn't say don't go if you're sick, I just validated his action, besides I actually am looking forward to my alone weekend to do the things I have planned and am looking forward to and he would have got in the way of that.
H has just shown up at my work, now this is out of his way and does not have to come anywhere near here when going back to work from the doctors.
I remained very calm and collected didn't want to show that I was surprised.
He asked if we could have coffee, being my lunch break, couldn't actually say I was too busy.
Had coffee, general relaxed chit chat about his weekend away told me of where he was going, who with and other details (very unusual), D getting glasses (he knew nothing of this) and other minor things.
I still don't like the earrings and t-shirt. Not sure what the DB/DR answer is to this, but I think if you are to work on this together, you need to start w/a base of honesty.
I'd like to see others, with experience dealing w/infidelity, weigh in on this.
THANKS FOR VISITING ME!!
How about some goals for yourself?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I hear what you are saying Mindfull and I know that there are a lot of issues that have to be dealt with and I am now venturing into unknown territory and will have to tread carefully.
I just don't know that this point in time is the right time to do this, I think he needs to have moved even closer to me than he is at the moment.
The reason I say that is because whilst he is showing renewed interest, he still has not started to address me again with my name or pet name this is one step that is very important to me but has not happened yet. The other important steps for me would be to return to leaving his car key and phone on the hall table as he used. All three of these things are high on my list and particularly the key and phone reflect not having anything to hide from me.
One thing he did mention during coffee was that he needed to take some money from our account to cover costs he incurred on his business credit card whilst away on his business trip recently to the States. He said he needed to refund $500AUD for gifts he bought for people at work and the gifts he bought for me and he also had to cover for non essential meals and drinks.
Now I could jump to the conclusion that if there is an OW and signs are pointing that way, that he bought items for OW and using his work account is a good way of hiding the purchases. BUT I have to give him the benefit of the doubt here as he initially lost his wallet on arrival in the States and our cards were cancelled, so he had a 3 day gap before new cards could be issued and there were purchases made using our account once the new cards issued.
I do feel that I have to be fair in my judgement of H on this issue.
For what it's worth, trying to be fair, recognising my own faults that led to distance in our M, understanding why W got angry with me, and making allowances for how she felt all (inadvertantly or not, directly or not) led to her plunging further into an A at that time.
These are all good without an OP. With an OP, you're already fighting an uphill battle without having to worry being fair.
Reality and the good things in an M are badly outmatched by the delusion/fantasy a WAS with an OP experiences. At least initially.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
H asked me last night, I forgot to tell everyone, why I picked the townhouse I did to rent.
Now here he would have I imagine been expecting me to say because being on the water with a boat mooring would make it easy for you and the ski, which a number of weeks ago the old Oz would probably have said that in a bid to win him back.
BUT my reply was and bear in mind he knows this is how I feel and always have felt "because being where I can see and hear the water gives me a sense of peace and is where I always feel the most comfortable and secure"
That answer is 100% true and there was no acting that answer out.
