S4H, My wife is 41. I think you have really gotten to the heart of why separation is inevitable for us. I feel (though it has taken a lot of objective looking and time) that she is in MLC that was compounded by the relationship with the OW. As I stated above, the OW was experienced with drawing unhappy spouses out of their vows. So you put a woman going into an MLC and somebody with less than usual morals...viola. I really believe at this point, if it hadn't been for the hicky...I never would have found out. From the time I knew, I did the usual early DB no-no's and drove a stake farther into her...and now she is filled with guilt. How can you love some one if you don't love yourself? How can you be a loving mother, if you don't love yourself? And in everything you do with your family, children, or husband you see what you have destroyed!
As far as the attention goes...she doesn't want it from me because of guilt and feeling unworthy. She has stated many times how she doesn't deserve me and I deserve so much more (see...we are getting off the usual DB situation). So she goes to find it elsewhere. Our therapist always mentioned that my wife may suffer from some form of narcissism that evolved in her early childhood. She didn't get the attention a solid family foundation should have created and instead tries to fill that need now in her adulthood. More than one friend and multiple family members (both sides) has mentioned that she always needs to be the center of attention. I was always overbearing with attention which is why we probably lasted as long as we have, but that attention became painful to her because of the guilt.
So yes...I do know what this is all about. It is about a broken marriage centered around what is now a broken woman. Sadly (according to what I have researched)until her demons are exercised, she will continue to fluctuate in the wind. I really think that is the curse of MLC....there is nothing an LBS can do to change what is happening. The WAS has to be the one to deal with the issues. On another board I saw mention that close to 80% of MLC WAWS regret what they did and want to return to the marriage.....but what it ends up taking is hitting the bottom of the barrel in divorce to act as a catalyst to make the necessary changes. So by the time the MLC'er is ready, the LBS is gone.
When will I hit my "enough" point...I don't know. I have thought that I hit it so many times, but haven't. So I work on detaching as gracefully as possible. I had this thought at the fair as i walked around observing all these couples holding hands and such. I started feeling down and depressed and then a pair of hands squeezed mine. In each of my hands were my childrens hands attached to heads filled with big smiles....is a little pain worth it? Would you leave a spouse because they were disfigured? If I do find that point, I am sure my reaction will be quick. What may do it...who knows? Right now I need to focus on what I do know...the welfare of my children, my business, and my self.
