If the main problem is that she felt you violated her in her own bed then I think you should honor her request to not have you in it. JMO. If you want to heal that particular hurt, then the bed thing becomes pertinent.
Wondering something...why, after all this, did you send her a "racy" text? What was the point? What did you expect to happen? I find that an odd thing for you to have done under the circumstances. Just curious.
My thoughts exactly on the bed thing. Healing that hurt is essenital to a positive outcome. I also need to deal with the guilt somehow and I would think at some point find a way to apologise - not that it will actually make anything better, but she needs to know I am truly sorry.
She has a real thing about invasion of her personal space. She literally needs space right now.
Why did I send the racy text? Somtimes I am plain old stupid. At least that is one mistake I know I will never make again.
My thoughts exactly on the bed thing. Healing that hurt is essenital to a positive outcome. I also need to deal with the guilt somehow and I would think at some point find a way to apologise - not that it will actually make anything better, but she needs to know I am truly sorry.
She has a real thing about invasion of her personal space. She literally needs space right now.
Why did I send the racy text? Somtimes I am plain old stupid. At least that is one mistake I know I will never make again.
Here is the deal on the apology.
You make a straight line between point A & point B, no detours, no scenic route, you just do it.
"I have something to tell you, I am sorry for what I did on that day to you. I took advantage of you when you were in that state and looking back at it, I know that it was a horrible & selfish thing to do to you. I am your husband and you need to feel secure with me to be with me & around me and you don't feel secure around me anymore, you can't trust me and I feel really bad about that. All I can do is apologize to you and hope that I can rebuild that trust by being trustworthy and hopefully we can be friends, if nothing else. I have to be honest with myself, currently we don't have the emotional connection that we need from each other, something is missing for me, it had to have to been for me to be so selfish and do what I did to you and something is obviously missing from you because I feel you've been withdrawing from me. I will for my part, continue to be civil & friendly towards you and I will stop bothering you with my emails, texts, phone calls, etc. If you need something, ask me and I'll do what I can."
And that's it.
You've made the apology and you won't have to apologize again.
You can stop contacting her incessantly, it's not attractive. Create a bit of space between you, stop contacting her, if she needs to, she can contact you. You need to get a bit of a life, no more offering to go to her work to offer hugs, you don't need to contact her on facebook and play online games - that isn't going to win your wife back. Honest & trustworthy actions repeated on your part on a regular basis to rebuild trust is what will make her feel safe around you because she currently doesn't feel safe at all.
As for the bed, that is a personal call. You can respect her and yourself and still sleep in your bed, you're a man, there is no rule that says you have to sleep on the couch or in the basement, if it's the 11th commandment from Moses, show me where it's written otherwise sleep in your bed.
You can't just show her you respect her and are trustworthy to her. For a woman, your wife, to feel safe around you, she has to see that you respect yourself not to treat yourself badly, to show her that you have value. Too many men get caught up in this doghouse treatment because they feel it's a requirement, it isn't, you would do yourself and your wife a favor if you didn't portray this behavior - all you do is train her & yourself that when things go bad, you exile yourself and that isn't necessary. People respect people who respect themselves - start there.
She can heal emotionally sleeping the same bed as you or she can choose to sleep elsewhere, let her control what she does, you control what you do.
Her emotional healing won't happen any faster if you're not in the same bed with her - it doesn't work that way, it never does.
I am going to make the call and not sleep in our bed. I will watch to see how she reacts to this. I will make it no big deal though. In fact, likely best to be in the rec room just prior to bed time and simply go to bed (well...futon).
Great wording on the apology. Of course, I will use my own words. It needs to be genuine. Now is not the time, but again, I will watch for the right moment.
I originally thought playing scrabble on fb was acting "as if". I suppose not. I simply will not take my turn. And I now make the promise to creat space effective tonight when I get home from work.
I was thinking today....tomorrow will be only 2 weeks since she walked out. I have to stop expecting results quickly. Patience...........
a word about waiting for the right time... now is always the right time, don't wait until tomorrow if you have something that can be done today, we don't know how much time we have on this planet, time is extremely valuable, watching the tic tocs on the clock waiting for a "right time" is just wasting time.
- you will have alot of time to spend on db'ing, being trustworthy, building trust through consistent action will take alot of time, this apology will take a minute and you can probably do it today if you come into contact with her.
- you can do it, owning up to your mistakes and apologizing takes alot of guts, shows strength, etc.
Rough night last night and this morning I just want it over.
My d18 texts me at work "why are you and mom getting a divorce, she won't tell me". I called daughter and she said mom was mad at her and wouldn't talk to her. So...I called wife to see what was up. She didn't pick up phone and I could feel something was up. So, I left work a little early and came home.
I checked on both kids and then checked on wife who was outside. We talked for a few minutes and I decided to take RobX advice and apologize then. I had a feeling it might be the last time we talk for a while.
I then realized wife was very drunk. As I mentioned once before she drinks when upset. She showed me that she had tried to cut her wrists. It was not a real attempt, but obviously a concern. There was a full bottle of sleeping pills in the house, so had she been serious she had a way.
Long story short, she left again to go to a friends house. This friend has been great for her. They work together and her friend had to send another co-worker to get my wife since she was unable to drive.
One important thing - my wife actually said "I hate you" to me. Odd - but it was good to hear her finally say it. For her sake, she needs to release some of her anger.
I talked to kids briefly, took a couple of sleeping pills and slept through the night. I am off work today and I am going to stay busy around the house.
Seeing my wife all messed up made me feel sorry for her, but it also made me not want to be around her and actually relieved when she left. There is a lesson in that - confident, calm, people are more attractive.
I think it's time for me to cut off all contact at this time. Under dbing principles is that right? I could use the break from all the drama.
At this moment, I am not sure I want to bust this divorce, but that could just be today. Advice on what to do now?????
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Her friend sent another co-worker to pick her up here and then I suppose friend took her to her house. My wife did not drive.
Just got a text from wife saying "morning. you were trying to call me last night". I simply replied "that was before I came home". And then she texted asking how our d18 is. I responded with "only saw her for a few minutes - can't really tell regardless' and that ended the textversation.
Right now, I don't even want to deal with my wife at all. The "I hate you" makes me realize this is all futile. I want to wave a magic wand and have the divorce and all of this end and start my new life. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.
Either way, I think minimal contact - only when initiated by my wife - is the best idea now.
Just in case, I wake up tomorrow and still want to bust this thing - and ideas on what to do at this point? Time to go dark? Or????
I think you ought to quit thinking about what you do or don't want and start thinking about your kids.
Is anyone in your family in any kind of counseling? She's drunk and SUICIDAL, and the kids don't know WTF is going on around them, and you're thinking about yourself and if you're in the mood to bust your divorce?
I am very concerned about out kids. Neither one knows about her cutting her wrists. Let me clarify - she never broke the skin. I think it was more of a frustration thing than anything else. They both went to school today and seemed ok. I will spend time with them when they come home.
It's not that I am thinking of me (or us) before the kids, it's just that I consider this place to be mainly about divorce busting.
No, we are not in counseling. I plan on going myself. I will speak to the kids about them going today. As for wife, I doubt it, especially if I suggest it. She would automatically go against it. I may try to speak with her friend about getting her some help.
I will make sure I put tons of effort into the kids right now and will clearly tell my wife that if she is going to behave that way in front of the kids then I don't want her around them. Time to man up.
