What to do when H doesn't contact?

[RedSoxFan]

Red, I can't thank you enough. If you don't mind can you tell me what is was like to go throug a MLC? I don't know what he is thinking, and why he doesn't want to be bothered with me or the kids. I don't get any of it.

It has been 10 months now of separation and about 3 months with no contact except when my S tried to take his own life. And one time when he wrote back to our D12.

What did it take for you to come to your senses? If you can help me I would greatly appreciate it.

So here's my intro post. I haven't read it lately but I did cover a little bit about MLC.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1820958&page=1

So, I'll try to share what I know in the hopes that it helps. We're all different and the next person's MLC mileage may vary. First I had just hit my mid 40s but most people guess me 10 years younger and I certainly feel younger. MLCs in 30s and 40s are common. I've read that we're even seeing them in late 20s...who knows!? So when I was going through it I had no idea what was going on. That's the major theme really. I can only see it looking back and in many ways its like looking back on a stranger.

After many years of struggling with marriage, life, work I found myself rock bottom...fully depressed. I was taking medication, etc. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel like I was of any value at all. I withdrew deeply, I guess I had been for many many months. I also bought myself a nice new car during this time but it seems coincidental to me. Others might not agree. So next thing you know, I found myself in an affair with a good friend at work. We had been close for a while and it just happened. Suddenly there was a person who thought I was smart, and special, and loved me. We had an affair for a time. I didn't really try hard to cover it and my wife eventually found out. In my mind our marriage was over and it didn't matter anyway. I had also convinced OW of this. She really was a good person. Not making excuses for either of us but I don't think she would have gotten involved if she didn't really believe I was in a dead marriage. I told my wife I was leaving, she begged, pleaded and tried everything possible and I never even heard her. When I look back on everything, that's what really jumps out at me. I was like an alien. I didn't hear things that normally would have been very important to me. I loved my family. I never even thought about cheating on my W for the 20 years we were together.

So with time and counseling I ended the affair. I healed myself, really dug into my emotions and my past and opened up doors and learned things about myself that I would have imagined impossible. with the passing weeks things became more and more clear until i began to focus on more than just me. I started thinking about my wife and family again. I had a glimmer of hope that I could save my marriage (mind you I had moved out for almost a year and I'm taking my own sweet time through all of this...basically taking W for granted as I had for who knows how long before). Anyway, that's when I got the big whammy. I found out she was now with someone else. She had moved on...just as I had asked her to....and was seriously dating OM. I can't even find words to tell you how devastated I was. No pain in my life was ever that severe. I wanted to die. I wanted to give up and die.

I look back on the time when I was walking out the door and I don't even recognize the man I was then. I have accepted it, forgiven myself and gone on about the business of life and DBing.

There are two really valuable things that I see in my story worth sharing.

1) The DBings stuff makes sense, the GALing and the 180 stuff. Just ask some of the veterans on this site. They will remind you of the wake-up calls that people like me have gotten when we see the people we love moving on in life with another person.

2) MLCs are real, the people in them can be monsters, but those people can change and become wonderful humans again. Don't give up and don't lose hope but don't lose yourself in the process.