Journaling: Monday: Helped dad build a roof for his labradors' pen in the morning. Girl's spent the time playing with the dogs. It was something to keep my mind off my situation. After lunch, we took the girls over to the local farm so D5 could ride a horse. This is what she looks forward to everytime she goes to grandpa's house. This was the first time she got the horse up to a trot though. It scared her at first, but she got the hang of it pretty quickly. Went home and had some cake and icecream before leaving.
Noticed a text from w: "when r u going to be home. how r the girls."
I texted back "Leaving now. We had a good weekend. Thank you."
As you can imagine, it was an emotional departure for my parents. Girls were good for the 4 hour drive home. W was happy to see girls when we arrived, but distant to me. After we had been home for about 15 minutes: W: "Why didn't you call back?" M: "You mean on Saturday?" W: "Yes." M: "You didn't ask me too." W: "I said I was calling to ask how the girls were. That means I want you to call back." M: "Sorry. I misunderstood."
After putting the girls to bed, I asked W to talk in our room. I needed to talk to her about what she was going to say to the girls. We went over it, it felt so horrible to be going over this stuff. After this conversation, I began to backslide:
M: "What has happened? We don't communicate." W: "You have changed." M: "Its difficult. I need to put up these boundaries, but I don't want us to block each other out completely. We need to communicate." ... M: "Right now, I need to focus on the girls. They need a strong father." W: "I am glad to hear that, because I plan on being the best mother I can be." M: "You have a wierd way of showing it." W: "What is that suppose to mean? You don't think I am a good mother?" M: "I didn't say that." W: "For me to be a good mother, I need to be strong." ... M: "You make moving out look so easy." W: "Just because I don't cry doesn't mean I am not hurting. This is very hard for me."
The rest of the conversation is blurry, but at some point I held out my hand. She grabbed it, squeezed, and started sobbing. W: "I remember one night when D5 was crying in her crib and you told me to let her go for another 15 minutes. I understood fifty minutes and called you a horrible horrible person. That made you very upset. I cried all the way too work that next morning, I felt so bad. I told OM (this is before the A) how bad I felt and he took your side. He said that you sometimes have to let babies cry. You were my life. When people would ask why I was in this country, I would say it was because I met you. Now when ever I start to feel that way, I think of something else and get angry. I have so much resentment. I don't blame you for that, I blame myself. I should have told you sooner." ... W: "I want to feel again." ... W: "I texted X (someone that was going to help her move Saturday) at 1 AM on Saturday and told her that I was not going to move. I ended up moving anyway, I had already paid the kids to help move me." ... M: "Thank you for sharing." W: "Thank you for listening."
She was still crying, I had tears in my eyes. I gave her a hug. I know it crossed the boundary. As I said, I was backsliding.
Tuesday: The backsliding continued. I kissed W this morning. Not extremely passionate, but not a peck either. M: <dissappointed with self> "I shouldn't have done that." W: "No. Thank you. I havn't felt like that in so long." <pause> W: "I hope you didn't do that out of pitty." M: "No. I feel for you. I know you are hurting and am concerned, but it isn't pity." W: <sobbing> "I don't know why I am doing this, I love you so much." ... M: "You are a good woman." W: "No. I am a piece of sh--. I can't stand myself." M: "Don't think that. If you think it, you will become it."
D3 comes in. I finish getting girls ready and take them to daycare.
Before leaving for work, we touch. W: "You are so deep in my heart." M: "Why do expend so much energy supressing it?" <silence>
So I talked to IC today. Obviously, he said that I had crossed way too many personal boundaries in the last 24 hours. He asked: "What if you are still doing the same thing 1 year from now? How good will that be for you? For her? For the girls?" I know I fell apart. And I have no excuses.
However, the IC was curious about the "I don't know why I am doing this, I love you so much." comment. He says that is an unusual comment in situations like this. He said that she is likely "emotionally confused". I am not sure if I understand exactly what that is. He said that emotions are likely flooding her to the point that she is unable to make sense of them.
