My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

"But the difference is I'm not feeling hysterical or out of control, I've just gone to a negative dark place about all of this."

Yes you are getting hysterical. It shows in your posts. The problem here is that you were so used to being in control cheating on your W, telling her you were done, etc. that you're not used to things being OUTSIDE your control now.

So the solution is simple. Stop trying to control things. Even with your D. Do you really think she listened to what you said or do you think she just agreed with you to shut you up? I think it was the latter.

For her you just need to establish the boundary and show her compassion, but let her make her own choice. She's going to do it any way. Even with her friend, rather than seeing her as toxic, have you tried seeing things through her eyes? If you did that and relayed that to your D, I think you could start wearing away the wall you built up between you two.

As for your W, you're doing the same thing. You tell her she can't go out with the OM or that he's a bad influence and it's pushing her into his arms. Your W and your D are exactly the same scenario and you're failing in both. There's your 2 x 4.

I'm not saying to ignore the problem, but I think you need to see things a little more from their POV in order to get compassion. With compassion, you'll get clarity on what to do. Forcing your will upon them ain't working.

I really appreciate this candid feedback. I like that I can count on being called out here while still getting support and an occasional (((hug)))

I think some stuff is getting lost in translation here. I definitely agree there are some control issues going on here though probably not quite as severe as it might seem from the last few posts. Regardless, there's plenty to work on there. I also have a pretty good relationship with my oldest daughter as well and for sure she's at the age where W and I must establish boundaries and sit back to watch how what we've taught her and the examples we've set for her pay out in her decision making. She is a great person and I know she'll do well.

As far as being used to cheating and being in control,it went something like this: We had let things go for a long time. I hit rock bottom emotionally, felt unloved, fell into deep depression and suddenly found myself with someone who loved me and respected me. I moved out, got myself together, ended the relationship, got counseling, healed, etc. Terrible thing, actually worst thing I ever did, but certainly not chronic.

I really have to do more work on the control thing to better understand where I am. Will make this primary tpic at next C appointment.

I wonder how fathers just relax and go with it when their children are taken to places that are unsafe or their life partner is lying in bed for the weekend with another man? I don't find these things to be easy...control or no control. I hope and pray that I can find strength to keep going and clarity to do whats right.