What do I say? I really dont have a list of demands as such I expect you to be such a way. Other then maybe I hope to soon be bagged three dozen.
Or how do I act? I will admit I am confused at to how to proceed. I havent seen any grand-scale changes in my wife, other than maybe realizing her free-ride may soon be over or that maybe her alternatives had some short comings. IDK. I dont feel like turning around for some gesture of friendship or for some grasp at remaining status quo on her part. I wonder if it is too soon to have her back me into this corner.
ALWAYS have a game plan.. ALWAYS...
Yes. Too soon to have you backed into a corner. She NEEDS the crisis. A crisis is what causes us to make changes. She needs to go through one before you can "get backed into the corner" (so to speak)
We need to get you a game plan....
I have found a few things that have been very successful to get the formerly WS turn into the pursuer...
Following is one of your first quotes describing your situation.
Quote:
We have become roommates that bicker over the most ridiculous things, argue over anything important and have both developed two separate lives while trying to raise two children. I honestly feel I have tried everything I can to improve things, unsuccessfully. And I believe there's absolutely nothing I can do because everything I tried hasn't worked.
Ok. What works very well is to take the EXACT SAME THINGS the WS complained about and NOW use them AGAINST staying together...
For example.. If she wants to talk about working things out in your "dysfunctional" relationship (remember to use that AGAINST her later)
You would say to her... "WS, I don't know how I feel right now. As you have said our relationship is dysfunctional and I agree. We have become roommates that bicker over the most ridiculous things, argue over anything important and have both developed two separate lives while trying to raise two children. I honestly feel I have tried everything I can to improve things, unsuccessfully. I just don't know what I want right now"
Get it? She THEN has to CONVINCE YOU why it WOULD work instead of why it can't. You have already told her you are finally convinced that it can't work. You leave her with two options... Agree with your conclusion or disagree..
In other words.. You stay pulling AWAY from working it out and more toward... "I don't know. it isn't working, maybe it will never work, etc. etc. etc.. I don't know HOW I feel anymore" ILYBANSIALWY... (that one really works well)(i love you but am not sure I am in love with you)
Now as it proceeds.... Your social interaction person is "only just good friends".. You are NOT going to give up a good friend (yet.. wait till after your WS proves she will do what it takes to have a mutual loving marriage.. it is your trump card)
Ok.. Another quote that your wife gave you back when she wasn't sure what SHE wanted was...
Quote:
but as for wanting to work on the marriage or recreating a marriage, I get the "we are not the same people we were back then." No $h1t. but what does that mean?
AGAIN.. You NOW use it to work AGAINST herself...
"WS, you know you used to say that "we are not the same people we were awhile back. We aren't. People change. I have changed. We tried. It hasn't been working. We have both changed"
That is the concept.. GET IT?
YOU are the WS. She is the BS..
What worked on you initially is what works on her...
You basically will tell her the same types of things that she was telling your or the things most WS's tell the BS..
You need her to be in a crisis so she will GROW and make changes. Let her have her way too early is risky.
