So I don't continue to hijack AFWAW's thread, I'll reply to you here.
Originally Posted By: wifey
Dudess you are exactly right about him needing to be the pursuer. He does the asking, he sets the days and times to get together. I don't ask or contact him as a rule. And, I am not always available when he does ask.
Pursuing is more than who asks who to go out. When you say ILY first, you are pursuing. When you reach for his hand, you are pursuing. When you ask him to dance, you are pursuing.
Originally Posted By: wifey
As for the tic - toc, he never filed for the legal separation. The clock hasn't started toward a D yet. I haven't stopped him, but I also haven't enabled him. His reason for not filing, he said was because he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.
Okay, now I remember. I also now recall why he decided not file for separation:
Originally Posted By: Wifey on May 1 (emphasis added)
H thinks he needs the Separation Papers to make a fresh start and really and truly expresses a desire to rebuild our relationship. Starting as friends and then building trust.
Fine except for one little detail. I informed him that I, too, need to see trust rebuilt. And, that legal papers will not be a fresh start at all. Actually, I told him that legal papers would mean that I would not be around.
When he asked me to explain I said that it would mean I would no longer live in limbo, that I wouldn't be hanging around, that we would no longer date, or meet for dinner, or spend holidays together as a family and that I would no longer consider him family or friend. And, I added, that I would not be alone.
Stunned silence followed as he took it in. He looked at me to see if I meant it and I didn't blink. He blinked many, many times.
See what happens when he has to face that he might lose you?
Originally Posted By: wifey
If you can advise me what I do wrong, what I should consider doing or not, I really am all ears.
I will tell you what I see. It is not based just on my conjecture but what you say about how your H responds to what you do.
In addition to the pursuing behaviors mentioned above, you do some mommying like telling him he needs to go to bed, taking him by the hand and tucking him in.
When you write long, tortured, letters about how much you love him and how you would never, ever leave him or want another man regardless of what he does, well . . . I don't know what that is. I'm sorry Wifey, but it does sound pathetic. Why in the world would you ever let a man of sound mind and body know that he doesn't have to ever do anything to have your undying devotion. No wonder he feels so pressured.
And remember - that is the opposite of what got him to drop the separation plan.
Of course he feels guilty. You tell him your heart is broken, you've been crying all day, and that you will have to communicate through your lawyer because you are too distraught to look out for your best interest. You let him know over and over how much he has hurt you. I'm sure it's true, but that is not going to draw him towards you. He will be drawn towards you when it seems he doesn't have the power to affect you all that much.
What his response closely and act accordingly. Even though divorce is not looming, it doesn't look like you are making any headway. In fact, it sounds more like it is worse.
I care about you wifey. I know what i said may sound harsh, but I really don't want to see you blow it with you H.
Thank you Dudess, and believe me, nothing you said was harsh at all. You called it like you saw it. It gives me a lot to think about and does remind that not only do I see him acting differently at those times that I am strong, but I also feel a lot stronger and calmer.
I don't want to blow it with my H, but more than that I don't want to blow it with my own strength and growth. I have to keep my head together. If you notice, the one thing I said after the past weekend is that I have more work to do on me. That is certainly the truth.
He can twist in the wind all he wants. I need to step away and I will for a while. He has no right to my strength and I will not give it up easily.
Keep watching and be sure to get the 2x4's out. I can take it and I do need "fresh eyes" and perspective to bonk me when I make a detour.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
When he asked me to explain I said that it would mean I would no longer live in limbo, that I wouldn't be hanging around, that we would no longer date, or meet for dinner, or spend holidays together as a family and that I would no longer consider him family or friend. And, I added, that I would not be alone.
Stunned silence followed as he took it in. He looked at me to see if I meant it and I didn't blink. He blinked many, many times.
Made the purchase today. Sampled the purchase. WOW.
I love your new name! So glad you purchased and sampled. Did you try it with BOB?
Not quite the same as a warm, real, flesh and blood, but still pretty awesome - ya know? A girls gotta' do what a girls gotta do. And it proves its just one more thing we don't need a man for.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Bump....sorry. Well, MIL in the very beginning of the separation said the best thing was a divorce. And that the kids will get through it and it's no big deal. So, whatever lies my H told she believed obviously.
They don't bother with me or the kids at all. Haven't heard from them since Feb. Hmmmmmm. That's when H was back on meds. Then he went back off the double dose at the end of March and started acting mean again and stuff. And it spirled from there. She is NO where behind me at all. They IL's went to every hearing at our age. She made comments about poor H. I was and still am I guess the evil bad guy.
Lost, I'm sorry the IL's chose sides. Better that you know right up front, though. Just like my m stating that she will never forgive my H or be around him again. At least I know.
Bridgestone - so nice to hear from you. And yes, I have worked very hard to gain the strength to take care of everything on my own. I really thought I was doing a good job on detaching, but the last fiasco showed me I had farther to go.
The weekend was great. H went on his little motorcycle ride whatever, and I really didn't miss him. He did send me a text both nights to let me know he stopped for the night and was safe. I just said thanks, glad you are safe both times.
Friday I had a gf come over to borrow my tent and some camping gear. She was going on a little retreat of her own.
After that I went to another gf's and hung out on her front porch that she just rebuilt and enlarged. GF's mom and another GF came over and we sipped sangria and sprite with frozen fruit in place of ice cubes. We all brought snackies too, so we ate, drank, talked and laughed. It was a beautiful night, although I did get a little chilly toward the end.
Saturday I did some housework and lots of homework. Five chapters to read in one weekend is a quick reminder of how much work college is.
Just before dinner I called my friends to ask if her son's band was playing at the state park on Sunday. She said he was and also let me know her son's band was going to be playing that night. It sounded like fun, so I told her I would see her there.
I love country music and especially live country music. We danced our butts off. The bummer was they were only playing for two hours. It was just a little village event that night. The village is very quaint, and the ice cream parlor was right next to where the band played. So, of course I had ice cream.
In the morning my mil called to ask if I'd heard from my H. She hadn't and was worried. I told her I'd gotten a text that he was safe. It wasn't too long after that my H actually called. I guess his M called to yell at him for not letting him know that he was safe. Also, she had mentioned to him our plans for a Labor Day picnic.
H said, you know I have to work on Monday, right? I said I knew. H said we could do something on Sunday because he would be back early in the afternoon. I just told him we would play it by ear. (I knew darned well he would mean to be home early, but wouldn't. And I had no intention of changing our picnic plans on a whim to suit him. Drum-roll, please.)
My friend called and asked if I would mind driving her to the state park, because her s would be at a different location and would have to make a special trip to get her. I said no problemo. I was really looking forward to it. The state park does an end-of-summer event every year, but this would be the first time I would be going.
We had chicken BBQ and listened to some so-so bands until my friend's s's band played. Once they started playing everyone started dancing. I barely sat down the whole night. I ran into several people I knew and it just added to the fun I was having. (All females, in case anyone wondered.)
About quarter to 8 my H called to let me know he was home (did I call it or what?). I just said ok. Then he said he was going to grab something to eat and go to bed early because he was tired. Again, I just said ok. H said he heard music in the background, where was I? I just said, out. He said goodnight and I said it back. Then I went back to dancing.
The night ended with a fireworks show. I only watched a little of that, so I could beat the traffic. All in all, a great night.
Monday I did homework most of the day. I made contact with the MIL and we decided to eat about 5. With it being the first day of work, I assumed there would be no way my H would be home to eat with us. I figured leftovers were good enough. : ) My S didn't start classed until today, so he was there when I arrived.
Wanted to do steamed clams, and was very disappointed that the grocery ran out of them before I arrived. Guess that craving is going to wait for another time. Hots and hamburgs were sufficient. Even made this potato dish that I cut out of the newspaper. Turned out wonderful.
Surprise, surprise, H actually showed up at the right time. You could have knocked me over, because Mr. Workaholic, I'd rather be married to my job than you, thank you very much - NEVER gets home before 8:30 or 9 on the first day of classes. And that is a 12-year history.
The minute he arrived my S turned into a sullen SOB, because he can barely look at his dad. For my part I just stayed pretty quiet and listened as his m asked him about the first day. I didn't really have much to say. I wasn't ignoring him, but I wasn't really engaging in anything meaningful either.
At the end of the night I packed up my stuff to go and H walked me out. He said one night this week maybe I'll come over to watch more of the series we've started (From the Earth to the Moon.) I said we'll play it by ear. I have class Wednesday.
H asked if I would like him to check on the dogs on his way home after work that night. I told him I would appreciate it (I'm sitting for my M and S's dogs and also have mine) if he could. I have to leave early to return some books to the bookstore. The program I am studying is pretty specialized and I have to travel two hours one way to class, so leaving early, two hour drive there, a three hour class and two hour drive back might be hard for the ankle biters.
I'm sorry this turned into a book guys. I just didn't get on here much this weekend. I was busy GAL and re-evaluating. Spent some time reading and thinking about detachment. Wrote in my journal, did some more work in my life strategies book, and cleared out some cobwebs in my head.
And, I also managed to have a lot of fun.
Last edited by The Wifey; 09/09/0912:22 AM.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
One point that I would recommend to do differently...
Quote:
H asked if I would like him to check on the dogs on his way home after work that night. I told him I would appreciate it (I'm sitting for my M and S's dogs and also have mine) if he could.
Answer...
"No thanks. I already have them taken care of." Then change the subject or cut off the conversation... I would make it a point to tell him to never mind taking care of the dogs next chance you get. You found someone else to do it. (find someone else BEFORE you tell him this) You can't get a man to pursue you if you make it too easy. No challenge...
You are on the right track...
He has to feel like he "may" have lost you. (notice the word "feel") It is up to YOU to convince him of that.
I like your answers of "we will play it by ear" That is excellent. Going out dancing and around music and social interaction... Excellent....
You did have him wondering.(based on the way he offered to watch tv, watch the dogs and such ) KEEP him wondering. IT is your best chance.
No wonder he feels so pressured.